Sunny Side Up in an Upside Down World

Lucky #17

2012-01-26T12:46:00.002-06:00

We are homeless no more!! Yesterday (two weeks to the day that we arrived in Italy) we went out house hunting for the fifth? sixth? seventh? time...I didn't have high hopes but the first place we saw just felt right. (It was the seventeenth house we looked at) It isn't in the town we had hoped to live in, but it is a beautiful home in a safe area with a wonderful landlord. We have started the move-in process...it takes anywhere from 30-45 days (good ol' military runs at the speed of light!) until we get the keys and are able to move in BUT just knowing that we found it takes a huge weight off my shoulders.

It is 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms (which means we'll have a guest room and I'll get a scrapbook room!!) with AWESOME views of the Mediterranean, the hillsides, the islands (Capri, Procida, Iscia) and the mountains on the way up towards Rome. We have lots of windows and natural light...and a great sea breeze.

Pretty sweet view, eh? And this pic doesn't do it justice...wanna see it in person? COME VISIT!!! We have a guest room!!!

See Miles' head in the bottom left of the pic?? He loves the view already.

The house. We'll live on the top floor.

Fifth time's the charm... ?

2012-01-23T16:39:00.000-06:00

So life hasn't been super exciting lately...except for the fact that we're now living in another country. I have lots to share...food, church, flights, jetlag, etc. but it will have to wait.

We're going house hunting tomorrow...again. We've seen 13 so far...we're scheduled to see 5 more tomorrow. I'm sending up all kinds of good vibes because I REALLY want to get this housing ball rolling. Italy isn't known for it's swiftness...and when you add military into the mix it really gobs things up. After we find our house there is a lengthy and infuriating process before we can move in...and it takes anywhere from 30-45 days. Yep...that's AFTER we find the house. Sheesh. And since we're currently stashed into the spare bedroom of some (wonderful) friend's house...I'd like to get the process going.

So here's to hoping house hunting day #5 is successful!!

Why hello Naples!

2012-01-12T16:06:00.000-06:00

I got my gelato and my view of the water...I'm good.

More to come...

Resolved: 2012

2012-01-02T05:30:00.000-06:00

I feel like this year is a great year for me to make some hefty resolutions. We are in the middle of a massive life change so I figure it's a good time to shake things up even more. Also - it's our 10 year anniversary...and the first time I've had my job as a mother to consider.

I've given these resolutions a LOT of thought. I have really focused these goals on helping me become the type of mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend I want to be...and how I can be the best version of her that I can.

By the end of 2012 I want to:

- Be well on my way to becoming fluent in Italian.
This one should be easy...since we'll be living in an Italian town and will need to know the language just to get around. In southern Italy not as many people speak English as in Northern Italy...they are VERY proud to be Italians.

- Get my photography business up and going
I got some sweet new photography toys for Christmas - new bag, new lens as well as reflector/diffuser panels. Plus I've already found a photog buddy there and we're going to take some classes together.

- Have our home more Christ centered: family prayers, scripture study, FHE, etc.
I've found when we focus on what's really important, life just goes a little smoother.

- Never say no to Miles when he asks me to read to him
I realize he won't be talking a whole lot this year...but he's starting to pick up signing...and if he asks to read, no matter how busy I am I will read to him.

-Make healthy choices: eating, exercising, etc.
This will just be a continuaton of what we've tried to do this year. It will be fun to try out all the new fruits and veggies in Italy...and eating healthier should be easier because the town we're looking at living in doesn't have McDonalds, Taco Bell, Wendy's, etc...but they have TONS of fresh markets.

- Remember birthdays
I keep resolving to do this...and one of these years I'm actually going to do it.

- Once a month send a letter (as in paper and pen) to someone
I love getting things in the mail. It doesn't have to be anything fancy...but a card, postcard, thank you note, etc is just such a great surprise and I figure if I like it then someone else will to!

So what about you? Any resolutions? Goals? Tips for me as I undertake this list?

Looking back: 2011

2012-01-01T06:00:00.000-06:00

I did this last year...it helps hold me accountable for the goals I've set for myself. A lot changed for us in 2011. Some of our highest highs and definitely our lowest lows. So although I didn't do everything I resolved to do I am happy with the path my life is on...and the things we accomplished that were not on my list.

Let's remind us what I wanted to change:

Be better with birthdays
Lose weight
Read in the scriptures everyday
Find a new job
Do one random act of kindness for a stranger, once a month

And now for the Report Card:

C: Be better with birthdays - Still not as good as I want to do...I am hoping that this new organization/planning idea I found in Pinterest will help me. I love it when other people remember my birthday and I would love to be better at doing that for others.

D: Lose weight - Fail. 100%. The truth is, losing weight is hard for me (damn PCOS). We made some pretty big changes this year to our lifestyle - we got (and used!) a gym membership (until we got Miles) cut out Diet Coke (seriously...and I'm still alive. Amazing, yes?)...even after we got Miles I exercised (walking everyday with him) but still no weight loss. It's frustrating to put in the effort in diet and exercise and see NO results. I am going to have to learn to just be happy with the number on the tags in my clothes...and focus instead on staying healthy.

C: Read in the scriptures everyday - I go through streaks where I will do awesome...and then not so awesome. Once Miles came along we started reading to him from the children's versions of the scriptures every night...so that's a start.

A+: Find a new job - I did. I quit my horrible job in February and then in May I got hired by the best. boss. ever. I don't even mind it when he throws up on me...that's how awesome he is.

B: Do one random act of kindness for a stranger, once a month - I missed a couple months...but then other months I did more than one. I liked searching for opportunities for random kindness, especially when I was having a bad day. Nothing like anonymous service to lift the spirits.

Twelve words for 2011

2011-12-31T06:00:00.000-06:00

january: settling

february: snowy

march: hopeful

april: heartbroken

may: miracle

june: blissful

july: unexpected

august: family

september: official

october: eternal

november: thankful

december: farewell-ing

On the move...again

2011-12-28T09:35:00.001-06:00

One thing I've come to know pretty well in our almost ten years of marriage...is moving. We are currently in the middle of our sixth move. We've had a few bumps in the road already...I'm hoping the remainder goes well. I haven't handled the stress so well...neither has Winston. But Miles and Nathan keep us held together.

Miles and Winston checking out our mountains of boxes.

Poor Winnie knows EXACTLY what's going on (this is his fourth move)

So here's to a smooth move! Two weeks from today we'll be in Italy, hopefully enjoying some gelato!!

Bye bye stuff - see you in six months!

30 sure was a good one

2011-12-24T15:10:00.000-06:00

On the eve of my birthday last year I got quite emotional. I was no where near where I thought I would be when I hit my landmark birthday. I felt like a failure. I had no degree, no children, no career...it was tough. Especially watching friends from high school each turning 30 and being surrounded by children or working at fabulous jobs...it seemed to make me all the more melancholy. I lamented on Facebook and my friend Jamie told me that turning 30 was awesome for her. Turns out, turning 30 was pretty awesome for me too. This year was amazing. No, more than amazing...perfect. Sure I got sick, and we had that whole Georgia mess...but we also got Miles, were able to spend almost TWO MONTHS with family, found out we're moving to Italy, Nathan got promoted...and that's just the big stuff.

Now I sit here on the eve of my 31st birthday and I am so grateful for the year I've had. I've also learned a few things...can I share them with you?

Never try and plan your life out -

you'll just stress yourself out and

miss the little things along the way.

Even in the depths of sorrow

there are still beautiful things in life

...they are just harder to find.

Keep looking.

Hold on to hope.

When things get tough just remember

it is always darkest before the dawn.

A random act of kindness is the

best mood booster out there.

I guarantee it.

The size of your jeans should not

determine how you feel about yourself.

You are beautiful.

Thank you to all my family, friends, blog buddies and online adoption peeps who have helped make this year so perfect for us. Here's hoping this year is just as great!

Bye bye Bean

2011-12-17T11:54:00.001-06:00

I love the Bean. Ok, technically it's called Cloud Gate...but everyone calls it the Bean. It's always on the to-do list when someone visits.

Last night we headed downtown to see Nathan's brother who was in town for a band convention (we're a whole family of band geeks). The restaurant we went to (Giordano's...mmmm) had a 45 minute wait...so during the wait we decided to show Jonathan the Bean. I had bubby strapped in the Baby Bjorn, in his lion hat, wrapped in a blanket and we trekked all over Millenium Park. I snapped a couple quick pics...and said goodbye to the Bean.

I am {really} going to miss this city.

And this pic has nothing to do with the Bean...but it was taken at dinner last night. Behold, I give you Nathan and his brother Jonathan...in all their geeky glory.

Buongiorno! Aloha! Guten Tag!

2011-12-13T18:53:00.002-06:00

I am a curious person by nature...so it should come as no surprise that I wanna know who is out there reading my crazy rants. So...time for all you quiet followers, blog stalkers, shadow dwellers...and heck, even all my long-time friends to come out and say hello! Leave a comment...tell me your name, how you found my blog, and what your favorite Christmas treat is.

And to bribe you I'll share one of my favorite hilarious photos with you:

Help! Help! My mommy won't stop taking pictures of me!!

Seriously...makes my laugh out loud EVERY time I see it...oh man. Tears are accompanying this laughter tonight...TEARS I tell you!

All systems go

2011-12-12T22:08:00.002-06:00

Well, we have a passport for Miles. His passport picture is seriously hilarious...I had forgotten how funny it was until we went to go sign his passport for him. It looks like a baby mug shot. I will post a pic of it when I think of it. We mailed off our Visa applications (turns out mine was never mailed...the Navy travel office kept mine so mine and Miles' could be mailed together) and those should hopefully be back the 30th. Which would be nice since we're leaving town the 30th to spend some time with family. We also have our plane tickets to Naples...we leave on the 10th of January.

The reality of all this hit me yesterday and I had a bit of a meltdown. Ok...more than a bit. But things are a little better today. I just got overwhelmed with everything that has to happen before we get on the Italy bound plane...sorting, packing, painting, cleaning, Christmas, my birthday and a 1500 mile drive on I-80 in the winter...I get heartburn just thinking about it.

I'm nervous but excited for the adventure that lies ahead of us. I am heartbroken to leave our home here...I really do love it; which is so funny considering I didn't want to move here. I am just hoping I'll fall in love with Italy just like I fell in love with Chicago.

Photogenic

2011-12-10T12:00:00.000-06:00

Our little guy is fantastically adorable...and quite photogenic as it turns out. The morning of our Temple Sealing we had a friend take some family photos. I got the disk in the mail last week...and they are awesome. Seriously awesome. It could be that there is {finally} an adorable mini person in our pics...you don't have to just stare at Nathan and I or our kitties (who have all been adorable as well...but you know what I mean)

Here are a few so you can gaze at our adorable little guy.

all photos by Bryn Stucki Photography...isn't she good??

Dear parents of the world:

2011-12-06T12:21:00.000-06:00

I feel like I have a little more clout now that I can be counted among you. And that I have not committed the following offense. I have one SIMPLE request:

STOP GIVING

YOUR KIDS

STUPID NAMES!

Seriously.

I get the whole "wanna be unique" thing...you don't want your little darling to be one of six John's in his kindergarten class. But you don't want him to be scarred for life with a name that is just plain cruel. You don't want him to go to Disney World and have them not be able to put his name on a set of ears because NO ONE ELSE BUT YOU can spell, let alone pronounce it.

My most recent head-scratchers:

Breauxdee

(pronounced Brody...oh, and the kid was a boy. He's gonna be a stripper)

Harvmit

(totally no clue on this one...)

Mere

(pronounced Mary)

If you want to hear more about bad baby names (and to check if your kid's name makes the list) go check out Bad Baby Names. To see their Guide to Bad Baby Names you can go HERE.

Do you have any bad baby names you want to add? Please do... I love a good chuckle.

I feel I must make a disclaimer that if you choose to name your poor child something wacko, it doesn't mean your kid isn't cute. And let's hope they are...because a horrible name is gonna make their life hard enough as it is.

Moving along

2011-12-05T09:50:00.001-06:00

Preparations for the move are coming along...we are still waiting for a passport & visa for Miles. This was causing me terrible amounts of stress. You see, to move to Italy we have to have a Visa...in order to get a Visa you have to send in your passport with the Visa application. The Italian consulate here in Chicago takes 20 days to return a Visa (um...yeah "20 days" it's been almost 25 and we're still waiting for mine...) I was worried that the packout days & the travel day would come and go and we'd have no documentation for Miles so Nathan would have to go ahead to Italy by himself and then I'd follow once we got the paperwork. Yeah, uh huh...I'd have to do a trans-Atlantic flight...with a 7.5 month old...and a cat...and a litterbox...and a stroller & carseat...and 2 carryons & 4 checked bags...BY MYSELF. Yep....now you are understanding my stress. So to help we set a deadline: if his passport isn't back by this Friday we're pushing the move back. We talked to Nathan's bosses and explained the situation and they were totally awesome (whoah...80's flashbacks) about the whole thing. They said they'd just modify his orders and send us a couple/few weeks later. (insert HUGE sigh of relief on my part)

Part of me hopes it comes in time...and another part doesn't. I {really} love it here and I would not cry at all if we had to stay another couple weeks. The other part of me just wants to get it done and over with. Get packed, moved and settled in our new home. So I guess we'll just make the best of whatever happens.

You wanna see something funny? I was curious how many miles it was from Chicago to Naples so I typed it into MapQuest...this is what I got: (click on it to make it bigger)

Here is the funny part...a wee bit bigger:

HA HA! Should I tell the Navy this? And on another note...that is super far away (4,943 miles to be exact...5.884 miles from Salt Lake)

A single, courageous act

2011-12-01T11:23:00.001-06:00

Today, I am grateful for the courageous act of a woman that took place fifty six years ago. I'm grateful that she stood up (out of defiance or fatigue or whatever) and said no, I won't move from this seat. I am grateful that because of her act, a major civil rights campaign kicked off to give equal rights to everyone regardless of skin color. I am grateful that because of that my son has every right to expect equal treatment under the law. I am grateful that he can go to any school he wants, study whatever he wants and sit in whatever seat on the bus he wants.

God bless Rosa Parks.

Brought to you by adoption

2011-11-30T22:09:00.001-06:00

As this National Adoption Month draws to a close, here is a reminder of just why adoption is awesome.

Photo by Bryn Stucki Photography

Remember that adoption is

always and forever

about {LOVE}

Diverticu-what-is?

2011-11-30T11:33:00.000-06:00

I have this problem...not sure why...but my body seems to target holidays to get sick. Remember Halloween 2010? I also remember once or twice being so sick on Christmas growing up that I didn't care about opening presents. So it should not surprise me when I got sick over Thanksgiving.

Sunday the 20th I started getting a stomach ache...I chalked it up to stress and went to bed. I woke up Monday feeling like I had a ball of nails sitting in my stomach. I immediately thought I had another ovarian cyst and figured I could tough it out...afterall there is NOTHING they can do for them except drug you. So you end up spending hours in the ER, getting poked, prodded and gawked at...all for naught. We had to run up to the base to drop off Miles' passport application (we FINALLY got his birth certificate...2 months after we finalized...and that was the "expedited" {read: expensive} timeframe) and while we were there I knew I wasn't going to be able to tough this one out...something was wrong. I could feel a large, hard something if I pressed on my lower left stomach...and it felt like a million tiny knives were stabbing me on the inside. I was pissed...I didn't want another solid cyst that would require surgery...but I was in SEVERE pain so we headed to the Navy Hospital. The doc I saw was really good...and after exams, blood work and tests I was expecting to hear "ovarian cyst" but instead he said Diverticulitis. Um...come again? (The lining of your colon gets inflamed and infected) He said it was unusual - it's usually a disease people over 60 get - but all the tests pointed to Diverticulitis. He got me an Rx for two antibiotics (one was the antibiotic they give to people who have been exposed to Anthrax...) and an opiate pain killer. He wanted me back the next morning...and he wanted me to go home and REST (Diverticulitis can be dangerous if your colon ruptures and all that gross stuff leaks into your abdominal cavity) so Nathan took the day off to spend with Miles so I could rest. I loaded up on the drugs and tried to sleep. Tried. Let me tell you - that antibiotic mixed with the pain killer was HORRIBLE. I was dizzy and nauseous and I couldn't fall asleep for the life of me. Not to mention the pain never went away so I could never get comfortable. Every time I moved or breathed I felt lots of little stabbies.

I went back the next morning still in tremendous amounts of pain...and the diagnosis was still the same. Come to find out my parents both have diverticuli (pouches in the colon walls) so it isn't a total surprise that I got sick. But after discussing my diet with the doctor (which has recently been modified because of my pre-diabetes diagnosis...I never mentioned that? Ya...sucks. I found out the week before Halloween after a routine blood test) we discovered that my Diverticulitis was caused by the 3 tomatoes and 1.5 pints of raspberries I ate on Saturday. I was being punished for eating healthy. (ok...I know that's not actually true, but it's funny to say)

We skipped the traditional Thanksgiving activities (poor Nathan)...I spent the week in a drug-induced semi-conscious pain filled ball on the couch. For Thanksgiving dinner I had a glass of juice and a couple saltines. Yummy. So we had a make-up Turkey dinner on Sunday...and the turkey I cooked - HOLY MOSES was it awesome. (Stuffed the body cavity with lemons, clementines, garlic and onions...basted the turkey every 20 mins...covered skin with butter) My tummy still isn't 100%...but at least I can eat solid food again!

I believe in Santa

2011-11-26T17:40:00.001-06:00

Today I got to do something I've looked forward to FOR YEARS.

When you go through infertility you constantly think about what you would do with a child in your life. The longer you wait the more you think of your "Baby Bucket List." I wanted to go to a parade (check!), see fireworks (check!), color eggs, run through sprinklers, dress in coordinating Halloween costumes (check!) and see Santa.

Today we got up, dressed Miles in his adorable denim overalls, did his hair, put on his cute little tennis shoes and went in search of a good Santa. Luckily the Santa at the mall near our house was awesome. (I didn't want some crackpot in a fake beard...I wanted a REAL SANTA) This guy was good...we also got a tip about a Santa with a curly mustache at another mall. We may have multiple Santa visits before this season is up.

Miles was FASCINATED by Santa. We finally got some smiles out of him...but he mostly just wanted to yank on the beard.

Poor Santa...all those smiles and that beard tugging tuckered him out!

Turkey Day

2011-11-24T11:01:00.000-06:00

Happy Turkey Day from our turkeys:

To you!

Cold Risotto

2011-11-23T05:00:00.000-06:00

I want to share this post again...it is from last year's National Adoption Month postings. This is the post on which I got my first negative adoption comment...it made me feel sort of official. It is also an important read.

(Originally posted on November 8, 2010)

I starting stalking Jill over at The Happiest Sad about nine/ten months ago. I don't think I was ever gutsy enough to leave a comment (I stalk a LOT of blogs and I don't want people I don't know to think I'm a creeper) but I enjoyed reading her posts. When I was deciding what I wanted to post during National Adoption Month a specific post of hers came to mind. Before I post her work of genious (and that is what it is)...let me give you a little background. In the adoption world, there are people who love it and people who hate it. I remember being surprised the first time I googled "adoption" and found page after page of people berating the women who had "abandoned" their babies and calling the adoptive parents "baby stealers" and my heart sunk when I read of adult adoptees who said they wish they had been aborted instead of placed for adoption (SERIOUSLY!). I remember wishing I could go back to my blissfully ignorant state where I thought everyone loved adoption and it was all sunshine and rainbows. But now, I'm glad I've read the other side. It makes me more aware and more prepared...knowing that there are still those people out there. But it does make me sad that someone had such a horrible experience with something that can be SO wonderful.

Ok, so here is Jill's post. It is called Cold Risotto. It is long, but oh, so worth it. If after you read it you are left hungry for more you can read more on her blog, The Happiest Sad.

Cold Risotto

Today, I have a story for you. It's made-up but I think it's a good story. I promise there's a point to it. Here it goes. (My sincerest apologies if your name happens to be Susan. It's a lovely name.)

Once upon a time, a woman - let's call her Susan - went to a restaurant. Susan was very, very hungry. Some people might have thought she was stupid to go to a restaurant when most people cook for themselves, but that was Susan's business, not theirs, and for one reason or other, Susan was going to a restaurant for dinner.

Susan's waitress was very friendly right off the bat. She made Susan feel welcome and kept her water glass full and took her order and promised it would be out shortly. Excited and, as I said, very hungry, Susan eagerly awaited her risotto. She was so hungry, she thought this risotto was going to be the best thing in the world. As she waited, she had visions of risotto dancing in her head and all she could think of was how happy she'd be once the waitress brought out her dish.

Some time passed, and suddenly the waitress was getting as crabby as Susan was. Finally, after half an hour or more, the waitress slammed down a dish of cold risotto and the bill and stalked away. Susan was stunned. And the risotto, in addition to being rather cold, was quite possibly the most disgusting dish of risotto ever served in the history of food.

Susan was, understandably, appalled. She complained to management. The manager was appalled as well, and tried to explain things. Shortly after Susan's order had been placed, the chef quit. The waitress received a phone call from her boyfriend, who dumped her - on the phone, and while she was at work! The manager assured Susan that her dinner was an exception, not the norm. This was a top-notch restaurant with a good reputation. He offered to comp the dinner and pushed a gift card at Susan in the hopes that she would give them another try and see that their restaurant was not as bad as all that.

But Susan was unable to get past her cold risotto experience. She told every person she knew about it. She blogged about what a horrible restaurant it was, and how no one should ever eat there. When people mentioned to her that they'd eaten there and had a lovely time, she railed at them that they must be stupid not to see what a terrible restaurant it was, and she harassed those people repeatedly and with great force about what a bad decision they'd made. She ridiculed them for their naiveté. She found their personal blogs and left numerous comments about what idiots they were to even consider eating at that restaurant again. In Susan's opinion, this restaurant should be closed down immediately and not allowed to open again until changes were made to ensure that no one would ever be served cold risotto again - in fact, they shouldn't even serve risotto. Susan decided to make it her life's work to speak out against the restaurant, and she couldn't understand why the whole world didn't join in her crusade.

Now, you're probably wondering why on earth I am blathering on about snippy Susan and her cold risotto. Susan sounds like a real piece of work, doesn't she? Because really, who could have such an ego as to assume that if they had a bad experience somewhere, no one else should even consider that place?

Let's change the subject for a second, and then I'll get back to Susan.

Sorry, that's a terrible segue. Here's a better one.

That is an awesome Segway.

Anyway.

I have a great experience with adoption. I think it's wonderful. I might not tell the entire world to eat at this restaurant called adoption, but if I knew someone was hungry and didn't know where to eat, I would certainly tell them to consider eating there. I would tell them about my experience so they would know that, even though it serves up the occasional dish of cold risotto, eating out isn't a hazardous thing. It can be, but it doesn't have to be.

But I have noticed that there are a number of Susans in the adoption world - on-line, in any case, and they are just as snippy and unyielding and very much against the institution that they feel wronged them so much. They got cold risotto. And that's not fair, and I won't argue that point. What I take exception to is these Susans (allow me to apologize if your name happens to be Susan) who go on-line and tell hungry people that they need to learn how to cook because restaurants are inherently wrong. I don't like hungry people being told they're going to get food poisoning if they eat out.

You know what? I can't stop these people. I know there are people out there for whom adoption has not been a good thing. I feel sorry for them. The things that have happened to some people are unfair, wrong, and shouldn't happen to anyone. But I get tired of them insisting that adoption is a bad thing, refusing to believe that it can be an amazing and wonderful thing, simply because it wasn't for them.

Adoption was the best thing in the world for my little Roo. It was the best thing in the world for my mother. And it was the best thing in the world for probably close to 100 little children I can think of just off the top of my head. I'm sure there are countless others for whom it was also the best. We're all happy with our risotto. We are proof that the restaurant isn't a bad place, that the risotto isn't always cold and that, just the opposite, it's frequently the best dish on the menu.

Susan's risotto was bad, but that doesn't mean I'm going to let her tell me that my risotto was a mistake and that I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life and that I "lost" my appetite to risotto.

For every horrible, traumatic, food-poisoning story you hear about adoption, there are probably ten thousand stories or the best dinner ever that no one ever tells. Cold risotto makes for good news. A cozy family meal interests no one.

Is adoption always the right, best, most wonderful thing in the world? Nope. Because it involves people, and people are imperfect. But I think each hungry person should be able to decide for him- or herself how best to have dinner.

Hoping to Adopt: Que, Brittany & Liam

2011-11-18T05:00:00.000-06:00

Wanna hear something funny about this one? I had never met Brittany in person until just a few months ago...at the National FSA Conference. I had been staking her blog for a while..then it went private and I was too chicken to ask for an invite. Then it was public again, I friended her on Facebook and we became adoption peeps. She posts a lot about adoption - and I always appreciate her insights. But I'd read her blog anyway...just for pics of their adorable little Liam...he is a stud.

We are Que and Brittany and we met as teenagers in 1995. In 1998, Que left to be an LDS missionary in Bolivia and we wrote each other for two years. When he returned, we married in the spring of 2001. In 2009, our son Liam came into our family through the miracle of adoption! He will always know how much his birth family loves him. Right now, we are hoping to adopt, again! We have an open adoption with several members of Liam's birth family and hope to have another open adoption. (Although we are willing to be matched with a birth family who wants little or no contact with us.) Check out our blog to learn more about us as a family, Liam's adoption or just to find out what-in-the-world is up with Que's name. :) We'd love to have you stop by!

Que & Brittany

Adoption is about love!
Check out our blog and spread the word to help our family grow!
queandbrittany.blogspot.com

Imagine

2011-11-16T14:59:00.000-06:00

As with a lot of my National Adoption Month posts...I've put this up before. But I just LOVE it so much. So many people think adopted kids are screwed up...that their lives will always be horrible, suffering, miserable existences. Seriously...just google adoption and you'll find (too) MANY blogs dedicated to negative adoption experiences. They call us baby stealers...adoptees say they would have rather been aborted than adopted...and much worse. It makes my heart hurt. But I know that isn't the case. Adoption can be sad...and hard, but it can also be WONDERFUL and AWESOME. We fall in the second group. Adoption has blessed our lives in so many ways.

So here it is...I could watch this 100 times in a row. Gives me goosebumps everytime.

If you can hold on...

2011-11-12T06:30:00.000-06:00

10 years ago tonight Nathan took me to Ruby Tuesday for dinner (don't judge...in the bursting metropolis of Logan Ruby Tuesday was hoity toity...and I actually still really like it). He acted distracted the whole meal...mostly watching the Utah Jazz game on the TV mounted on the wall behind my head. It kinda pissed me off. Ok, not kinda...it did. After dinner he said he wanted to drive up on the foothills to "look at the lights of the city"...did I wanna come? We found a good spot, got out to admire the pretty view (of course we got out of the car...what did you THINK we were going to do??!? Sickos teehee) and I asked him if he would be asking me something big anytime soon (you have to understand...I had already purchased my dress...we knew it was going to happen...and I am impatient...and I pretty much asked him every day). He told me "Well if you can hold on for just one sec I've got a question I wanna ask you."

I said yes. :)

Then I told him to turn on the headlights...I couldn't see my ring! I hadn't seen my ring yet because {{I}} didn't pick my ring out. I have always thought that if a guy doesn't know what kind of ring you would like to wear for the rest of your life...he doesn't know you well enough to be asking you to marry him.

As for the proposal, I was totally surprised...I honestly thought it was going to happen the following night when he was taking me to Seven Brides for Seven Brothers...I mean, come on...BRIDES?? He had asked me to that play WEEKS before...and had made a big deal out of it. Our dinner to Ruby Tuesday had been last minute...I didn't even really do my hair. And I was wearing fleece. Ah well...I guess we just do things differently...we always have and probably always will.

Love you sweetie. I'd say yes again today.

Hoping to Adopt: Dustinn, Valery, Bradshaw & Olivia

2011-11-11T05:00:00.000-06:00

I met Dustinn and Valery last September at an FSA Activity. They had recently moved to the area and wanted to find some adoption friends. We had just experienced the loss of the twins and Valery was SO supportive and kind. Over the last year we've spent more time together, and the more we get to know them, the more we love them! They are fantastic parents to their two children: Bradshaw & Olivia and I know additional children will be given the same love and attention.

Hellooooo,

We are Dustinn-Val-Bradshaw-Olivia, a family hoping to grow through the miracle of adoption! As a family we have a lot of fun playing at the beach, riding bikes, and wrestling. Dustinn and Val met in college and have been married 7 years. Bradshaw is 4, Olivia is 2, and they do everything together--including get in to mischief together. Bradshaw remembers when we were blessed to adopt Olivia, so he prays at night that we'll adopt a little brother/sister to play with.

We live in the suburbs of Chicago in what we consider the best of all worlds. :) We have the urban experience of being able to walk to anything your heart desires (craft store, Parisienne bakery, theater, sushi, libraries) while only living two blocks from the beach!

We love life and cherish every day with Bradshaw and Olivia.

If you know an expectant parent considering adoption and think that our family may be a good match, please welcome them to contact us or find out more:

Check out our profile on LDS Family Services here.
Check out our adoption blog (work in progress) here.
Or email: dustinnandvalery@gmail.com

with love,
Dustinn, Valery, Bradshaw & Olivia

Australia

2011-11-09T05:00:00.000-06:00

I have posted this before...but I LOVE it so much. I think it gives someone not directly involved with adoption an idea of what it's like in our world.

(This was originally posted on April 20, 2010

& again on November 9, 2010)

Different Trips to the Same Place

By Diane Armitage printed in the April 21, 1995 "Dear Abby" column.

Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it's a wonderful place, you've read many guidebooks and feel certain you're ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.

So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you; you'll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait--and wait--and wait.

Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax. You'll get on a flight soon." Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, "It's not fair!"

After a long time the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat."

"By BOAT!" you say. "Going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.

It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip.

Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with other who also traveled by sea rather then by air.

People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are about to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, "Oh, be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible; traveling by sea is so easy."

You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you get there, but in the place itself.

Famous...again!

2011-11-05T15:46:00.000-05:00

Guess whose picture is the Adoptive Families Magazine's Daily Photo for today??

MILES!!

And guess whose picture they used when they put the reminder on their Facebook page about the Halloween Photo Contest...

MILES!!

Our little dude is famous!

Hoping to Adopt: Michael & Michelle

2011-11-04T05:00:00.000-05:00

I met this couple one year ago when they attended our Walk for Adoption. Michelle expressed an interest in helping with this year's Walk and we took her up on her offer. We became friends and have enjoyed having them as a part of our adoption circle of friends. They are both very kind, fun people and they will make fantastic parents. I have also had the pleasure of meeting some of their extended family and they are wonderful! They are all VERY supportive of Michael & Michelle's hope to adopt.

We are Michael and Michelle and we are a fun, family-oriented couple hoping to build our family through adoption! We have so much love to offer and cannot wait to raise a family.

We have been together since 1999 and have been married since 2002. Our personalities complement each other. We are different in many ways, but that seems to bring out the best in each of us. Michael is friendly and outgoing, Michelle is reserved and nurturing. Michael is analytical and Michelle is creative. Michael likes to tear things down and Michelle likes to create things and make them pretty. We are constantly learning new things from each other.

We like going to Chicago White Sox games. We bowl in a mixed league on Wednesday nights, but aren’t on the same team (Michael tells everyone it’s because he wants to win). We go to the movies and love going to concerts with our friends. We like to take road trips and have also traveled to Hawaii, New Orleans and the Dominican Republic. We also enjoy going to plays at the local theater. We can't wait to share our interests with our children!

We are really looking forward to adopting a baby! We hope to be able to share with them their adoption story and make it part of our family's story. We cannot wait to share our faith, our interests, our values and our love with a child.

http://michaelandmichelleadopt.blogspot.com/

Positive Adoption Language

2011-11-02T05:00:00.000-05:00

I've posted this list before...but now that adoption is a reality in our lives I think it is even more important for this list to reach all those we know and love. We haven't been on the receiving end of too many hurtful comments...but when we first got Miles I can't tell you how many times close friends and family said things like "Did you meet his real mother?" or "He is so cute, how could she have given him away?" or "I love my babies too much...I could never give them away like that." Right now it's just ME that gets my feelers prickled...but in a few years when Miles starts hearing this kind of talk...that will make me one pissed off momma bear. He was NOT given away...his birthmom DOES love him...and {{I}} am his REAL mother (seriously...I have a court document that says I'm a mother...do you?? he he...I jest. Kinda)

So here is a list Adoptive Families Magazine put out a few years ago. It's simple...and has most of the offensive phrases. You love us? Ok..maybe, but I KNOW you love Miles. :) Read it. Pass it along.

National Adoption Month & 30 Days of Thankful

2011-11-01T05:00:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year again...30 Days of Thankful AND National Adoption Month.

Last year I think I overdid it a bit...posting every day. It made me tired...and I'm pretty sure it made some of you tired! I'm still going to post about adoption...but it will be less. On Wednesdays it will be a post about something adoption related and on Fridays I'll spotlight some of our friends who are hoping to adopt. I might throw in another adoption post here and there...should I feel so inclined. If you wanna get in on the National Adoption Month goodness...you can! Here are some EASY ideas of how you can spread the positive message of adoption:

Write a blog post featuring someone's adoption story or a couple hoping to adopt
Tweet about adoption
Do a Facebook Status raising awareness about adoption
Read an adoption themed book in your child's class at school
Ask your local library to create an adoption related book display
Make a donation to Blessings in a Basket or Birthmother Baskets
Attend a local adoption event (find them here)

And as far as the 30 Days of Thankful...I'll be putting those up...they'll be in the '30 Days of Thankful' tab up near the top. At the end of the month, I'll post them all (in case you missed them...I know you'll want to read them...cause you love me) You wanna join in on the Thankful good time? I'd love to have you!

If you're going to participate in either National Adoption Month or 30 Days of Thankful...leave a comment with your blog address or Twitter feed and I'll link you to my side bar!

{eternal}

2011-10-31T12:07:00.000-05:00

(this post will be heavy on LDS jargon...if you're confused go HERE for some explanations...or email me!)

The day we mailed our adoption application I could never have hoped that exactly two years later I'd be dressed in white, surrounded by loved ones, kneeling across the altar from my sweetheart, having our sweet baby sealed to us for all eternity.

Saturday October 22nd, our family was made eternal. It was such a {sweet} experience. When you discover you will not be able to give birth (don't ever say 'have your own children' it's mean...Miles IS my own) you have to mourn several things. There are wonderful events we will never get to experience because of our infertility. BUT there is one thing that we get to experience that others don't...a Temple Sealing. We get to dress in white as a family, be surrounded by those who love us, and kneel across the alter from each other while we are sealed together FOREVER. The Temple President was the one who sealed us...which is super cool. He and his wife adopted children so they understood what it was like to be in our shoes. Plus we had developed a pretty good relationship with them when we worked in the Temple. Miles was an angel during the sealing. He was so alert and attentive, it was as if he knew EXACTLY what was happening. It's easy to understand when you think that he was just recently in God's presence...he's much closer to the Spirit than us adults.

Photo by me. :)

The weather was BEAUTIFUL that day. Clear, blue sky and it wasn't freezing! We had many people travel from near and far to be with us on that special day, and it meant the world to us. Here is a photo of most of them...a few snuck away before we could take the picture.

Photo by Bryn Stucki

The following day Nathan got to realize a dream when he took Miles in his arms and gave him a blessing. That was something he had longed to do for many, many years. In fact I think there were moments he wondered if he'd ever get to give a child a blessing. The blessing was tender...he blessed Miles to be kind, which is something both of us feel strongly is important. His voice trembled and tears were shed - by more than one eye. And once again, Miles was an angel. One of the men at church who stood in the circle told me that when the blessing was finished, Miles looked up and around the circle of men who held him...taking time to look at each face. Again, I think he recognized the importance of what was happening. He's a special little guy.

Photo by me. :)

Happy Halloween!!

2011-10-31T00:30:00.000-05:00

How to train your...wait...or has he trained us??

2011-10-30T19:11:00.002-05:00

We have been getting our Halloween on all weekend...here we are at our Ward's Trunk or Treat.

And yes...we took Miles around and collected candy. Isn't that why parents let their kids GO trick or treating?? To plunder the spoils??

Family Photos

2011-10-17T06:00:00.000-05:00

While we were in Utah in August we had photos taken of my family...we figured it may be 3-4 years before we get the opportunity to do it again so we jumped on it.

Here are a few of my favorites.

Photos by Ashley Mackay Photography

12 Days of Halloween

2011-10-16T14:38:00.002-05:00

Have I mentioned before that I {love} Halloween?? Well, I do. And I love singing to Miles while he eats his nighttime bottle. I sing Primary songs, classic lullabyes...as well as Beatles, Maroon 5, Dave Matthews Band...and others. But for some reason the other night the 12 Days of Christmas was stuck in my head so I sung it to him. Then I thought...are you PSYCHO?!?? It's OCTOBER! So I decided to make up a Halloween version. Here are the lyrics I used:

12 trick-or-treaters

11 bloody vampires

10 bats a-flapping

9 werewolves howling

8 mummies groaning

7 ghosts a-haunting

6 witches cack'ling

5 jack-o-lanterns

4 dismembered heads

3 skeletons

2 scaredy cats

and a raven in a dead tree

So now if you get the urge to sing a Halloween lullaby to your little one...you have some words.

Buahaha!!

Walk for Adoption

2011-10-16T12:15:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was the 2nd Annual Walk for Adoption Chicago...it was less chilly this year but TONS more windy. I love being surrounded by all these adoption lovers. Something about being in a crowd of people who all GET IT...is just awesome.

Planning it was crazy...just like last year. At least I've made some pretty good friends from all our efforts:

Michelle, Christy & I...the planners of the Walk for Adoption.

Once again, Nathan had to work on the day of the Walk, but this year I was lucky enough to have my mom in town to help.

My heart is sad to know that this is my last Walk for Adoption...unless I can convince Christy to hold it in Italy next year....Christy? :)

Come on...don't you want to see this face next year??!?

Five

2011-10-09T19:50:00.001-05:00

We've done this before. Four times to be exact. (first, second, third, fourth) And last year it wasn't as bad as it could have been. This year, our arms had a sweet baby boy to snuggle when they felt heavy and empty. This year, the hope of {finally} being a mother has been realized.

I think this day will always be tender...but I hope that as the years roll on the pain continues to lessen. I hope I never forget though...I NEVER want to take being a mother for granted. I want to always remember the struggles we had to go through to get where we are.

Here's to healing!

Halloween wreath

2011-10-08T07:00:00.000-05:00

I love Halloween. Like...seriously LOVE it. (Miles already has five pairs of Halloween socks...and five Halloween outfits) I was born on Christmas so you would think that would be my favorite holiday. Nope. It's a second...but not even a close second. The last couple years our Halloween has been super lame. And since I've learned that Italy doesn't celebrate Halloween (super Catholic country...Pagan holiday...) I decided we needed to go out with a bang, as it were. So on Sunday (only the second day of October...and I only waited that long because Nathan said I couldn't put Halloween decor up in September) we hauled out all our stuff (three LARGE totes) and started decorating.

Later in the week I made a trip to Hobby Lobby and picked up the stuff to make myself a fanciful, adorable, original Halloween wreath. Here it is in all it's glory:

What I used:

Child's feather orange feather boa - $3.99

Metal wreath form - $1.99

Purple glitter berries - $0.75/ea

Beware sign - $1.50

Black feathers - $1

Hot glue

First, tie the end of the boa on the wreath form...and secure the knot with hot glue.

Then, working your way around the form, hot glue the boa onto the ring. If you have a long boa or a small form, you'll end up going around more than once...that's ok it will add bulk.

When you get to the end of the boa, tie it to the form and again secure the knot with some hot glue. What it looks like when the boa is all glued on...view from the back.

Attach the glitter berries by weaving them through the ring and hot gluing them to make it more secure. My boa went around the form 1.5 times. So I put all my extra stuff on the half of the wreath that had less feathers.

It also helps if you have one of these...but I suppose it's not {completely} necessary.

Toss in a few black feathers for good measure.

Glue on the sign and viola! You've got yourself a fabulous {cheap!} Halloween wreath!

Soup's on!

2011-10-07T10:24:00.001-05:00

Hello friendlies...I am in need of some help. I'm hosting a lunch in a few weeks (Temple Sealing!!!) for about 40 or so people. It'll be fall so I was thinking of doing a soup bar...you know, chili, creamy, cheesy, yummy (...cheesy is a must. We love cheese at our house). I have a couple recipes but I am looking for one more. Right now I'm making my seven bean spicy chili & bacon corn chowder. It has to be quick...relatively cheap (no lobster bisque) and able to please the masses. Oh and it has to be able to be cooked in a crock pot.

Do you have a favorite soup that just screams fall? Would you share the recipe with me?

Thanks!

of.fi.cial

2011-09-29T17:54:00.000-05:00

of·fi·cial

/əˈfiSHəl/

Of or relating to an authority or public body and its duties, actions, and responsibilities

Having the approval or authorization of such a body

Employed by such a body in a position of authority or trust

Emanating from or attributable to a person in office; properly authorized

Perceived as characteristic of officials and bureaucracy; officious

We got something pretty awesome in the mail today. A tiny packet of papers that say that Miles is officially, legally ours as of September 26, 2011. Many, many happy tears were shed in our house tonight.

Out like a light

2011-09-22T23:16:00.000-05:00

Apparently Miles has an off switch...he must have flipped it about 3 seconds into this video.

Pain and loss and healing

2011-09-14T11:32:00.000-05:00

Something I get asked quite often is if having Miles takes away the pain of infertility, miscarriages, false starts and failed adoptions. The short answer? No. The longer answer? It makes all the pain WORTH it...but is sure doesn't take it away.

We were in Utah on August 22nd. I didn't make a big deal about it, in fact I don't think I even mentioned it to anyone...but my heart knew what day it was. And although that isn't the day the twins ended up being born (at least we don't think it was) that was the day we had looked forward to for months. As that day inched closer our excitement grew and when everything fell apart the crushing blow left us teetering on the edge of an emotional crevice so deep it was frightening.

I remember all our losses...all our close calls...all our heartache. I think I always will. Time numbs the pain of them all...but every now and again something during day-to-day life will snag and it's like the loss just happened yesterday. The pain surfaces and there is little I can do to stop it.

I love Miles...and I LOVE being a mother. Experiencing this pain and heartache does not make me less of a mother/person...it makes me more. I appreciate every. second. I have with this tiny little miracle. And on days when the pain of loss creeps in, surprises me and leaves an ache deep in my chest, I hold my Miracle Miles a little closer, kiss him a little more and feel deep reverence and humility that I have him to help heal the parts that ache.

I think many people expect the very act of adopting a child to be a cure for infertility - physically and emotionally...if I have one more person tell me "watch, now you'll get pregnant because you've adopted" I will snap. So when adoptive mothers express sadness over their losses or they struggle to grieve the fact that they will never carry life inside them...people think "well that's not quite right". Just because we've finally gotten our miracle doesn't make us forget the struggles we went through to get him.

Famous

2011-09-12T07:28:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I forgot to share this bit of awesomeness. While at the Adoption Conference a photographer for the Deseret News snapped Nathan and Miles and they ended up on the FRONT PAGE of the Deseret News on Saturday August 13th!

Cool eh?

(Poor Miles...you can see in his sweet little face that he feels miserable.

The horrible Utah air and burning farms and pollen gave him the worst allergies.)

Oh Bear Lake...how I love thee

2011-09-11T21:23:00.000-05:00

Since my family (my parents & siblings) is starting to grow my mom decided (with possibly a little prodding from me) a family reunion would be a good idea. We planned to go somewhere as a family while Nathan, Miles & I were in Utah...and OBVIOUSLY Bear Lake is the best choice. We got a condo and spent three days just enjoying each other's company. Having the opportunity to spend that much concentrated time together with my family was awesome...it's been probably 10 years since we had that much time together. I could tell you more...but I'll let this plethora of pics do that:

View from our condo.

Our first night we went out to dinner at Cafe Sabor (SO excited that now Garden City has one too!) Shanna got fajitas and Austin & Blaine had to go check it out...but not before donning appropriate protective gear.

Bryce got embarrassed (or reveled in the attention...jury is still out) by the obglitaory 'Happy Birthday singing by the waitstaff

My nephew Austin helping me frost cupcakes.

Sarah (niece) had to help too.

We brought no matches so we made Bryce light his own b-day candles...boy scout style.

Brad was SO happy to be there.

While we were all together we took the opportunity to take some family pics...since it might be 3-4 years before we're all together again. I can't wait to see the finished photos from the photographer!

The crew in our beach shelter.

Me and squishy...and apparently the girls felt like they needed to be in the pic too (hey...I am blessed in that department...and it's hard to find good suits that will contain them)

The kids...er, I mean boys, playing in the sand. I think Mitch, Bryce, Brad and Nathan had more fun playing in the sand than the wee ones.

Brad actually changing a diaper. Anyone who knows Brad knows what a big deal this is...seriously.

All tuckered out (plus he had HORRIBLE allergies in Utah so he was drugged...poor little guy)

Family of three at Bear Lake. I can't tell you how this just makes my heart swell. I love Bear Lake and I was SO happy to share it with Miles. :)

Miles and grandpa napping.

Grandma and some of the grandkids hanging out on the balcony.

Nathan and his Dr Phil haircut. (insert rolling eyes here) He has begging me FOR YEARS to do this. I told him he couldn't until after we got a baby...and then it was not until we have family pics. As soon as we got back to the condo after taking family pics he and my brothers whipped out the buzzers and fashioned this beauty.

Mom playing in the sand with the kids and some new found friends.

Bryce and Mitch blowing up all the floaties...leave it to my brothers to find the most interesting way to do anything.

Because of this bang-up job I have heretofore been fired from the post of sunscreen applicator. I honestly have NO IDEA how this happened.

Miles in his other swimsuit. I may or may not have purchased three suits in preparation for Bear Lake. Hey. No judging.

Sarah likes cheetoes.

Cheese

2011-09-06T16:21:00.000-05:00

Isn't this just THE. MOST. adorable face ever??

Families Supporting Adoption

2011-09-05T21:43:00.001-05:00

Nathan and I are part of an adoption support group called Families Supporting Adoption (FSA)...in fact I'm co-chair (with my awesome friend Christy) of the Illinois Chapter of FSA. Every year the National Board of FSA hosts an Adoption Conference. We planned on going last year, but the twins were due the week after the conference so we never bought plane tickets to go...and then when that adoption fell apart the last place we wanted to go was somewhere where we would be reminded of what we had JUST lost.

We made plans - long before Miles came along - to attend this year's conference. But then we found out that the Illinois Chapter (read: Christy and I) would be receiving an award for all the work we've done with the chapter...to we knew we had to be there. An award! Yay!

The conference was Fri-Sat August 12-13th. It's all day, with keynote speakers, breakout sessions, a banquet Friday night and it all ends with a birthmother panel Saturday evening.

It was beyond fantastic to be surrounded by hundreds of other people who GET IT. Who get the heartache and frustration of infertility and waiting to be chosen. Who also bristle when people ask things like "why did his real mom give him up?" (If that doesn't make you bristle...PLEASE, PLEASE read THIS) Who also have beautiful multi-racial families. We learned SO much and filled our adoption cups...so to speak. The transracial adoption classes were something I looked forward to the most and I was not disappointed. We learned a lot about what it's going to be like to raise Miles in a world where he will experience life differently that what we experienced growing up. It was also great to {finally} meet some of my online adoption peeps...to prove to Nathan that I they were real and not imaginary. I plan on attending every year that we'll be in the US (I cannot even tell you how many tears I've shed knowing I won't be able to go again for three years...)

Here's the part you were all waiting for...the photographic evidence:

Friday morning the keynote speaker was Sister Julie Beck:

My mom and Miles at the banquet...Miles sure charmed all the ladies in his bowtie.

Me and the hubbs at the banquet:

I got this necklace from the r house couture...LOVE it.

The three of us ended up at the back of the room during the Transracial Adoption Panel. All three of these beautiful babies were born in May. Miles was OBSESSED with the little girl...he's already such a ladies man. Miles is the youngest...but the thickest and the one with the least amount of hair.

Here are Christy and I with our fancy schmancy award:

And here are all my adoption peeps :) You should recognize quite a few of them from my plethora of posts last November for National Adoption Month.

Manda

Jessa

Jill, me, Brittany & Brie

Sterling

Me, Miles, Mary, Natalie & Kara

(We met these ladies at the conference...they were enamored with Miles. I felt like if I had sisters...they would be like these ladies.)

Val

It was a FANTASTIC couple of days...if you are touched by adoption in ANY way I highly recommend going to this conference. My mom went and said she learned a lot of valuable information. It's usually held in August and you can find information about it and just FSA in general HERE.

On my mind

2011-08-29T10:43:00.000-05:00

We've been busy. No, seriously busy. We got home yesterday after being away two days shy of three weeks. Adoption conference, family reunion, BBQ's, picnics, shopping, family-seeing, friends-seeing, 3000+ miles in the car...we are exhausted! And in the midst of it all Miles hit the three month mark!

I promise once we're unpacked, the fridge is re-stocked and the laundry is done I'll update...cause I've got some awesome stuff to share.

But for now...it seems all I can think about is Halloween. If you've been my friend for any length of time you know of my love (read: obsession) with Halloween. While in Utah I picked up these beauties:

Goughlishly fabulous salt & pepper shakers.

Creepy set of magnetic spiders (I'm going to trail these on our fridge...a la Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets...'follow the spiders')

Since this year will be our last Halloween in the states and there is no Halloween in Italy (insert SERIOUSLY sad face here. Although there is Carnival in February...it's not the same) we've decided to go out with a bang. I've already written up menu ideas and new crafty ideas. Oh...and I've got THE. BEST. COSTUME. idea for our family. Can't wait to show you!!

So if you're near us...let this serve as official notice...you'll wanna be at our place for the Halloween bash!

Clarification

2011-08-10T06:04:00.000-05:00

It appears as though a previous post of mine may have ruffled a feather or two. I didn't mean for my Lucky post to say that Miles is better than any other child or that I am the perfect mother, who is obviously better than you, evidenced by my perfect child. I was just expressing joy over my sweet little butter-ball smiley baby.

Our days aren't all shiny, happy and giggle-filled (although there are more giggles than tears, for which I will always be grateful). I have been pooped on and peed on and spit-up on and snotted on and cried on and had my hair/glasses/earrings/clothing/necklace/nose/eyeballs pulled. Motherhood is honestly just about what I expected...I knew it wouldn't be rosy 100% of the time. But can I tell you a secret? Even in those moments...you know the ones...where it's 5pm and you realize that all you've done all day is feed/change/entertain/repeat this little meatball. No shower, no meals, no house cleaning, no laundry...nothing that would be considered regular adult behavior. You smell like stale formula and baby wipes and you're wearing the same clothes you went to bed in the previous night. Even in those moments I am happy. I promise. Because you know what all that poop/pee/spit-up means?? We have a baby in our house. We waited way too long for this experience to be upset over a little poop and tears.

To all my busy friends

2011-08-08T18:04:00.000-05:00

Back when I was working, one day at lunch a bunch of the girls were talking in our lunchroom about how most women don't wash their hair every day. The boys in the room were disgusted at the topic and pushed to know more. We made sure to explain that it doesn't mean we don't SHOWER every day...we just don't wash our hair. I throw my hair up in a bun, cover it with a hot pink shower cap and then it stays dry.

Now let me just say now that if you are a lucky woman who can shampoo your hair everyday and have it not end up dry and damaged...you may as well stop reading now.

Seriously. I might punch you.

My hair is long and pretty (I feel confidant saying this...strangers tell me all the time) and it didn't get that way by carelessness. All that blow drying and flat ironing is very hard on it...not to mention time consuming...so I try to pamper it when I can and if that means only washing it 3 times a week, I'll do it. But the problem is I have oily hair...so day 2 is gross...and day 3?? Let's just say it ain't pretty. My hair ends up in a slicked back ponytail, doused in hairspray.

I've tried dry shampoos, baby powder, dryer sheets...every at-home remedy I could find...yet I still looked like a rag muffin. Until now. A month or so ago I found this at Target:

Suave Dry Shampoo

It was cheap...less than $4. I thought for that cheap it was worth a try. Previously, my dry shampoo experience had been bad. It makes my hair look matted and heavy, or it left a white dust all over my head. Not this one. It leaves my hair de-oiled, light and full of volume. I've even started using it on day 1...just to add volume. Another bonus?? It doesn't stink. It smells kinda like grapefruit. Mmmm...

So my busy friends. Do yourselves a favor and shuffle on down to your nearest Target (or if you feel like mingling with the animal kingdom...go to Walmart) and pick up a bottle of it. You will not regret it.

Lucky

2011-08-04T11:05:00.001-05:00

This sweet little angel is so good to us.

He sleeps 10-12 hours a night STRAIGHT

His favorite activity? Giggling

He eats great

He greets me every morning with a big toothless grin

He loves to snuggle

Winston makes him laugh

We feel so lucky to have him in our home.

Last minute vaycay

2011-08-03T21:05:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago we had a very powerful, albeit short, storm that knocked out power to 900,000 people in the Chicagoland area. We were one of the unlucky 900,000 and after a day of hot temps and still no AC we decided to get the heck outta dodge. We had always wanted to see the Nauvoo Pageant but had never been able to go...Nathan's July schedule is crazy busy. And this year was no different...he worked something like 23 days straight, which is nuts. Super, crazy, leave
-your-wife-at-home-with-the-new-baby-but-come-home-still-to-dirty-laundry-and-dishes nuts. (I am not complaining...just stating an observation...it could be much harder...he could be deployed like his brother) But his boss was great and compensated the guys for their hard work and gave them three days off...and they just happened to be the Tue-Thu that our power was off so the timing was perfect!
We packed our stuff, said good-bye to Winnie (we left our battery operated camping fans running for him...he was laying in front of them when we left), threw out the stuff we knew was bad from the freezer and hit the road.
We were SO lucky with the weather. Nauvoo is normally hot and muggy...like SERIOUSLY muggy. But the massive storms that had just passed through (the same storms that had knocked our power out) left a few pleasant days in their wake. We enjoyed every minute of our time there. We saw the pageant, toured the town, basked in the beauty of the Temple, felt the spirit at Carthage, ate yummy fudge and caramel and chatted 11 hours in the car. It was just what we needed. It was a perfect first family vacation.

Two months

2011-07-21T23:32:00.001-05:00

Miles hit the two month mark last week...and yesterday he had his two month doctor visit. (Insert sad face here for his poor little skinny thighs that had to get shots)

11lbs 7oz

22.5" long

head 39.5cm

Over the past month he has grown so much...although I don't notice it unless I look back at old pictures and compare them to our current little guy. He is still little...he's in the 25th percentile for height and weight. He is just barely wearing his 0-3 month size clothes...and he swims in them. But that's ok, he has so many it will be nice for him to be able to use them all. I do wish his feet would get a little bigger though...he has SO many cute shoes that he can't fit into yet...and you can imagine how that pains me. :)

So lets see...his latest bag of tricks now includes smiling, giggling and holding onto something placed in his hands. He loves baths, so much so that he screams bloody murder when you take him out. He has warmed up to the kiddie pool on the back patio, and loves going on walks in the stroller.

His nicknames include:

shark bait

squishy fish

smiley miley

monkey

squirt

Winston has finally started to warm up to our new addition. I think he's finally realized that Miles is not a temporary resident so he may as well like him. In fact, he has turned out to be quite protective and concerned...when Miles wakes up early in the morning and fusses, Winston jumps off the bed and trotts into Miles' room and lays on the rug in front of the crib.

Happy Two-Month Birthday Smiley Miley!!

Happy Fluffy B-day!

2011-07-09T05:00:00.000-05:00

Our sweet Winston celebrated his eighth birthday today...his preferred form of celebration included special canned food, a nap in the bay window, a trip outside to snack on the grass, an extended nap with momma and lots of scratches and loves.

Isn't he the cutest kitty ever? I can't imagine our lives without him...he is my baby. He is full of personality and seems to know exactly what I'm thinking all the time. The move to Italy will be a bit stressful on him, but I'm sure once he realizes that Italy also has birds to watch and windows to sit in and canned food to eat he'll be fine.

Our Day in Court

2011-07-08T11:23:00.001-05:00

In our state, when you adopt a child one of the first things you have to do is go to court and file your adoption petition. Add to that some additional paperwork and three post-placement visits from your social worker and then it's legal and final. The process usually takes 6 months, but due to our looming move to Italy we are filing a petition to finalize early...fingers crossed.

Yesterday we had our day in court.

Miles being served by the sheriff.

The funniest part is that Miles had to go to the Sherriff's office and be served copies of the paperwork. They have to actually touch him with the filed motion...its cute plus he got a Junior Deputy badge.

Us with our lawyer, the judge and cute little dramatic Miles. :)

Happy Independance Day!!

2011-07-04T13:46:00.000-05:00

Please take a moment today to think of those who spend their holidays away from their family & friends to protect our safety & freedom...as well as those who provide the music for the many holiday celebrations. :) (love you Navy Band!!)

Viva Italia!

2011-07-02T22:36:00.000-05:00

Yep...took us by surprise. Afterall we weren't due for a transfer for another 18-24 months...but the Navy wants us in Naples so to Naples we will go! We don't have an exact date...it depends on when we get finalized with Miles...but it looks like it will be the end of the year.

I wasn't so keen on the idea at first...but I've warmed up to it and I'm actually quite excited. My OCD brain, however, is on overload. We have a BUSY five/six months ahead of us! And the thought of the trans-atlantic flight with a 6 month old and a hyper-sensitive cat...well, that makes my tummy churn. Ah well...adventures, right?!? RIGHT??

To get a taste of old Napoli...here's a couple videos for ya.

Things I've learned

2011-06-26T19:24:00.001-05:00

I always heard having a baby would change your life...some things I expected...others have surprised me. Here are some things I've learned so far.

There is a long list of tasks that, in actuality, only require one hand...although I have been using two hands to do these same tasks my whole life.
Getting up, dressed, showered, and ready...by noon...x2...is a major undertaking.
I have a much less sensitive gag reflex than I expected.
I have pretty good balancing skills...toting a carseat full of baby is tricky in 4" heels.
I need a lot less sleep than I thought I required...although I should mention that Miles does sleep 7 hours at night. Bless his little soul.
I will bounce/sway even if I don't have Miles in my arms. I will never stand still again.
Snuggling to my sweet baby will cure even the bluest of moods.

Happy {finally} a Father's Day!

2011-06-19T19:18:00.000-05:00

My dear sweet Nathan,

Seeing you be a father to our little Miles has been incredible. I have always loved you but watching you be a father has made that love grow in ways I never imagined.

Happy First Father's Day Sweetie!

Love,

Holly

Happy Father's Day to my Daddy. Love you.

Delicious

2011-06-17T05:40:00.001-05:00

One Month...attempt

2011-06-16T22:39:00.000-05:00

I can't believe our little guy is one month old today. That month FLEW by...I need a time turner to make sure I'm not missing anything. I decided that I wanted to take 'progressive' pictures of Miles his first year...you know the kind...picture of baby with a certain stuffed animal each month to show how much he's grown. I had the bright idea to try and take a picture of Miles with Winston. Winston took one look at the baby and had other ideas.

Why is that thing by me??

I'm outta here

No dad...I will NOT sit by that mini human.

Stay tuned for plan B.

Worth a thousand words

2011-06-09T23:00:00.001-05:00

photo by the talented Kim Dusek

::Miles:: Part V: his name

2011-06-01T01:22:00.001-05:00

(Part I can be found HERE, part II can be found HERE part III can be found HERE part IV can be found HERE)

This post could also be called "The one where we KNEW Miles was meant to be in our family"

Back when we started trying to have children we had a couple names we really liked...unfortunately they were all girl names. When we were planning on adopting the twins last summer we started looking for boy names we liked...the list was short. We are band geeks, so Miles (as in Miles Davis) came to mind. It was also fresh on our minds because we had been watching LOST and one of the characters was named Miles. It was our front runner boy name and stayed in that position since. The problem was we could not find a middle name we liked paired with it. We wanted it to mean something, so we tried all the family names we could think of...Nathan's middle name, his father's name, his grandfather's name, same with my side of the family. But we could never come up with something we loved...something that just rolled off the tongue.

I remember telling someone once that maybe we couldn't come up with one because we weren't meant to. Fast forward to this situation. We knew we wanted to call him Miles, but still couldn't decide on a middle name. Amy called us and said that T had been calling the baby by a name the whole pregnancy and wondered if we would consider using it. I told her we would consider it...but I wanted to know what it was first. Afterall, I didn't want a baby named Miles Crowbar or Miles Hankypanky. When she told me the name it sucked my breath away: Elijah. I loved it. It was actually on our short list last summer...and it also happens to be my maternal great-grandfather's middle name. Seriously. Nathan is not one for signs...but even he couldn't dispute that her using the name Elijah was a sign that Miles was meant to be in our home. When we met with T on placement day we told her we planned on using the name as his middle name...so he'd always have a connection to her and yet it was still a family name. She was touched that we would keep it and use it somehow.

Many people have asked if we named him Miles because of all the miles we had to travel to get him. I had never considered it until someone mentioned it on Facebook. The answer is no...but it does fit. We did have to travel MANY miles...both literally and figuratively...to get our little Miles. But I tell you what...all those miles were totally worth it.

::Miles:: Part IV: placement day

2011-06-01T01:12:00.002-05:00

(Part I can be found HERE, part II can be found HERE part III can be found HERE)

We didn't get much sleep...when you factor in the nerves and the caffeine I didn't really expect to get any. We got up, showered and got ready, ate (read: tried to eat) breakfast and were at the hospital by 8:30am. While we waited for Amy in the parking lot we sat in the car so afraid of what could happen. We were so worried...we were just waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under us.

We met Amy for the first time in person in the parking lot of the hospital. She seemed so calm...we were not. I had hardly eaten anything for breakfast and I felt like I was going to throw up from the nerves. We got into the hospital, up to the right floor and Amy called the phone to be admitted into the Mother & Child wing of the hospital. This is what we heard:

"Hi, I'm here for T"
"What?"
Silence...confused stare.
"What do you mean she's not here? Where did she go?"
"Well can I come back there and talk to you?"

Amy hung up the phone, turned to us and said "She's not here". Nathan went white as a ghost and sunk to the floor in heavy silence. I thought to myself, this cannot be happening to us again. Amy looked calm, but was obviously confused. We had JUST been in the hospital 7 hours earlier...we had held the baby. Where could she have gone?! Just then the hospital social worker came into the hallway. She had been in a meeting downstairs when she thought "we have an adoption happening today, I guess I should go up and make sure everything is going smoothly." Amy asked her if she knew where T had gone...the social worker was as perplexed as we were. She said T was still on the patient list and that she would go find out what was going on. She badged into the restricted area while we waited outside...it felt like an ETERNITY. All I could think is that a 27 hour empty-armed drive home was going to really suck. When the social worker came back through the doors, she was all smiles. Her words: "she's still here" washed a relief over me like I have never known. Apparently there had just been some miscommunication between Amy & the nurses, but all was well. I am SO very glad that the social worker listened to her gut and came upstairs when she did.

Nervous feet waiting in the hospital corridor.

We waited out by the nurses station and filled out some paperwork for the hospital while Amy went in with T and had her sign paperwork. Every time someone would come out of her room with a worried or somber look I thought "this is it...here comes the bad news." It took longer than we thought it should...like an hour longer. I knew it wouldn't be like ordering a hamburger but it was over an hour before we saw Amy. There had been trouble with the notary...it was his first adoption and there were some things he wasn't sure of/comfortable with so he decided to NOT do it...so Amy had to go with plan B. (I just have to say again...Amy is so awesome. There is NO WAY this would have happened without her)

While all that was going on, the nurses put the baby into his carseat, where he had to sit for 2 hours while they tested his oxygen levels. They wanted to make sure he'd be ok for the drive home. We waited in the waiting room and watched the mandatory video (which we skipped most of...I didn't need to know how to care for my woman parts after giving birth...and I didn't need to hear the breastfeeding part either) and eventually Amy came in for our turn at paperwork.

Signing paperwork.

After we signed paperwork and Amy declared "That's it. He's yours" there were still no tears. It still just felt so surreal. It was something we had ached for and cried over for SEVEN years...and after a (ton) of signatures that was it. He was ours. Our wait was over. We snapped a picture with Amy and then collected all our copies of the paperwork.

Now was the time to meet T. Now the nerves set in again. I knew that papers were signed and nothing could revoke them, but I was still nervous. Would she like us? Would she think we were good enough to raise this baby? Amy went in the room first and we followed. T was sitting in the bed. When I saw her she felt familiar. I walked right up and gave her a hug and told her thank you...she said "No, thank YOU". It floored me. Nathan hugged her and then we took the next hour to chat with her. It was wonderful. It felt natural, not awkward like I expected. We presented her with the gifts we'd brought and asked her for a few tips. We sensed she was ready to be alone and we left her with Amy, but not before we took a few pictures.

When we walked out of her room I suddenly realized just how hungry I was. The nerves were gone, and the happy calm had set in. The sweet nurses got me a sandwich, a Diet Coke & some chips. I headed into the nursery where I arrived just in time to feed our baby. I got to spend the next hour rocking our baby in the rocking chair in the hospital's nursery. Nathan left me in the hospital and took the car to get serviced...he hadn't had time to do it before we left on Monday and we were WAY overdue for an oil change. He got back in time to change his first diaper and feed his first baby.

We are parents!

We got everything packed up, and signed the discharge papers. We got Miles strapped into his carseat and into the stroller and walked out of the nursery, only to run into Amy & T in the hallway. They had come to say goodbye to us and to Miles. Nathan and I watched as this sweet woman bent over the carseat, kissed her baby on the head and whispered goodbye. We hugged her again and Nathan asked if there was anything we could do for her. "Love my baby" was all she said. Amy took a couple pictures of the three of us by the stroller and we waved good-bye. A nurse followed us out to the car...which was such a weird feeling...we were leaving the hospital with a baby...and no one was running after us yelling "baby stealers!" We got Miles all snapped in, hugged the nurse and drove away as a newly formed family of three.

::Miles:: Part III: all the many miles

2011-05-30T02:54:00.000-05:00

(Part I can be found HERE, part II can be found HERE)

We had planned to take turns on the drive so that we'd be able to drive straight through without stopping. The plan was one of us would drive while the other slept...then we'd trade off. We also decided to stop & fill up with gas when we reached 1/2 a tank so we'd break up the trip more...keeping us more awake and alert. We had made long drives before so we weren't too worried except for the lack of sleep factor...we'd already been up since morning (Nathan since 5, me since 8) and our departure time was nearing bedtime. When we finally hit the road at 10pm both of us were a little sleepy. We said a prayer for safety, downed a couple 5 hour energy shots and headed off. Nathan drove for the first hour, and then I took over. Sometime around 11pm I got a text from Amy. She had arrived at the hospital and had seen the baby. He was born a healthy 6lbs 8oz and had lots of hair. She sent me a couple pictures of him. I did my best to look at them and drive (I know...SO not safe, but I couldn't help myself!) and I woke Nathan up because I knew he would want to see them. He looked at them for a few minutes and then fell back asleep.

First look at our little guy.

I kept driving and made it to almost 7am, which is a miracle...that is a LONG time driving for me. Every time we stopped to fill up with gas I would get the largest fountain cup they had and fill it with Diet Coke. That coupled with 5 hour energy shots, phone calls from my mom & singing along with my ipod is what got me through that long, dark, boring night.

We updated Facebook when we passed landmarks...the comments and messages helped make the drive pass faster, and also gave us hope that this was really going to happen.

On Tuesday late afternoon we made a pit stop in Denver to pickup the stroller and carseat we wanted...my mom had scoured the internet to see where we could find it between our home and St George. We also made another attempt at finding a gift for the woman who was going to give us a baby. We found the perfect thing and got back on the road. By this time my poor body was sick of the car. We'd been on the road for about 20 hours and we were still not even to Utah. The last leg of the drive was DRAGGING. It probably didn't help when I tried to get off the interstate to grab some dinner and ended up taking three wrong turns. That move got me immediately booted out of the drivers seat. Once Nathan got us back on the highway the sun started to set...and I started to worry. We were entering Eastern Utah and there isn't much there. The piece of I-70 just West of the Colorado border through to Salina, Utah is desolate. I mean DESOLATE. No cell service, no gas stations, no electricity, no houses, no farms, hardly any other traffic. It was freaky. I had much stress worrying about us breaking down and being stuck there for the rest of our lives...which would undoubtedly be shorter once the truck driver serial killer picked us up (yes, I obviously watch too much CSI).

The whole drive I was texting Amy and updating her on our progress. She was with the birthmom - who I'm going to call T - who was still sure in her decision. At some time during our conversations on Tuesday Amy asked us if we would be ok with meeting T....um, YES! She had decided she wanted to meet us and wanted to have a semi-open adoption...with letters & pictures being exchanged through the agency. This was a huge relief to us, we had wanted an open relationship! We felt like it would be so much better as Miles grew up if the channels of communication were open between he & his birthmother.

The plan was for us to come to the hospital when we arrived that evening and then we'd sign paperwork Wednesday morning. But the longer we drove, the later our arrival time got. I told Amy we wouldn't be getting in until 11:30ish and told her we totally understood if it was too late, we'd just go in the morning. She told us that T wanted us to come, no matter how late it was...even if she was asleep. She wanted us to "meet our son."

We pulled into St George at 11:45pm on Tuesday May 18th. We had been on the road for 15 minutes shy of 27 hours....with nothing more than gas-ups to rest and stretch our legs. We had bags under our eyes, our feet were swollen and our rear ends ached...but we didn't care. We parked at the hospital and found the right floor. The nurses were all very sweet, which is something I had worried about, I have heard HORROR stories from adoptive couples that nurses were mean to them. The nurses showed us to the waiting room and they went to get the baby. They wheeled him in and it felt surreal...like we were just visiting a friend who had a baby. They told us we could take as much time as we wanted, just to go get them when we were done.

When I lifted him out of the bassinet and held him for the first time, I didn't have an overflowing of emotion...in fact I don't recall that there were even any tears. It just felt calm & right. We snapped a few pictures, took turns snuggling him and then decided we had better go get checked into the hotel & get some rest...tomorrow was a big day.

Us and our sweet baby. Wednesday May 18th, 12:06am.

27 hours in the car...totally worth it.

::Miles:: Part II: the unexpected news

2011-05-29T18:35:00.001-05:00

(Part I can be found HERE)

Monday came and I had been talking with Amy about another situation that had popped up for the agency. It was a baby girl, born early, paperwork already signed...but the fees were just way too high for us. I know it may seem weird that I was looking for something else, but we didn't have a definite answer on the St George situation and we really felt like it was going to fall through so I was actively pursuing other things. Amy said she'd keep me posted on both situations - to see if the agency would reduce the fees for the baby girl and also what happened at the doctor's appointment.

I called my mom (which I do usually about once a day) and we were chatting about the baby girl situation...mostly lamenting (read: complaining about) the high cost of adoption. My other line beeped and I saw it was Amy. I told my mom I had to go and I grabbed the other line. Amy asked "did you get my text?" My initial reaction was that she (the birthmom) decided she didn't want us. I told Amy I had been on the phone so I hadn't seen a text yet. Then Amy dropped the bomb "She wants you, and she is at the doctor, 6cm dilated, they are doing a C-section now." She told me we might want to start looking at travel options, but not to book anything until we saw paperwork emailed from the agency. I hung up the phone and saw the text she was talking about: 5/16/11 10:59am "She just said that she wants you. She is going to the dr in St George and thinks they will keep her" I called Nathan at work (he was luckily doing a security watch and not a gig...otherwise I wouldn't have been able to get a hold of him) I looked online at plane tickets and was astounded at the cost...$750 each for one way. Surprisingly I didn't do much more, I actually made a sandwich, sat on the couch and watched TV for an hour or so. I was convinced that I would be getting a call shortly that said "never mind!" I did start a few batches of laundry, it needed to be done anyway...and I vacuumed and dusted. It wasn't until I talked to Amy again that I realized I needed to get my butt in gear. She had talked to the birthmom and told her she HAD to be sure...that we would be flying in from Illinois and before they told us to get on a plane she had to be 100% set in her decision. She said she was sure, which Amy relayed to us and so I started packing. We decided to make the trip via car instead of plane...which still seems so crazy to me. Mapquest said it was a 23.5 hour drive. I knew it would be longer once you factored in the pit stops, etc...and we planned on making it in one shot. No overnight stops. It was daunting...and my OCD brain started worrying about the car breaking down in the middle of Nebraska.

While Nathan was squaring things away with his work, I dug through the boxes in the nursery closet and found the few little blue outfits we'd bought in preparation for the twins last summer. I tore off the tags and washed them, still not allowing myself to believe they'd actually be used. I hurried outside in the chilly weather to put in the rest of my flowers (I'd started the week before but had to stop because of a monsoon rainstorm)...man, planting flowers in cold dirt is not that fun! Nathan got home from work and we packed our bags. We ran to a couple stores to see if we could find a nice gift to give to our birthmother (as an aside...how do you even possibly get a gift that says "thank you for making us a family?!). We made the announcement on Facebook - which we seriously considered NOT doing...until we had a picture of us with a baby...but we decided if this went south we'd need the love and support of our friends & family.

We got the car packed & said our good-byes to Winston. Our friends came over to get our key so they could watch over Winston (and so they could watch the Bulls playoff games on our big screen TV). We passed along to them all the perishable food in our fridge and hit the road at 10pm...which incidentally was 2 hours earlier than Nathan thought I'd be ready to go. I have a bit of a problem running late...so he was pleasantly surprised that we were able to take off so quick. I wasn't so surprised...afterall this was the second quick pack job we've had to do in the last 6 weeks...and I still had the packing list from the first one.

Here we are, pulling out of our driveway, hoping that the next 24+ hours we'd spend in a car would lead us to something wonderful.

::Miles:: Part I: the back story

2011-05-29T01:37:00.002-05:00

After Georgia, our hearts were broken. I wanted to keep pushing but I was scared out of my wits that we'd have a repeat of the heartbreak. Nathan and I discussed it and decided that we wanted children...and getting children in our home would be worth the bumpy road. Shortly after returning home we were back to our regular Friday night activity of working in the Temple. It was tough to be back because I felt like I shouldn't be able to be there...that I should be at home with a baby. But the people we work with were SO wonderful to us. Love was poured upon us and it turned out to be the perfect place for us to grieve and mourn and heal over the next couple weeks.

On Friday April 29th we got out of the Temple around 10:30pm and I had a voicemail from Amy (caseworker from the Ohio & Georgia situations). It said "I have a situation I want to talk to you about. It's not urgent...yet. Call me as soon as you get this." We called her back to find out about a birthmom from Vegas who would be delivering in St George and was due May 20th with a baby, gender unknown...were we interested? We told her we'd be willing to pursue it, but we'd see how things went when she went to the doctor a few the following week. We wanted to see if she actually showed up (sounds harsh...but it happens) and then go from there.

We didn't tell anyone right away...we didn't want to be the couple that "cried wolf" about adopting babies. The following week she went to her appointment and discovered that she was having a boy and that her due date had been moved to June 8th. She was still decidedly determined that the baby was coming sooner rather than later and told our caseworker to find a family. At this point she wanted a closed adoption. Which means that we would know very little, if anything at all about each other. She wanted the agency to choose the family. It's not what we had hoped for in an adoption relationship, but we were by no means going to turn away a baby for that reason. Amy told us she had been "saving this one for us" and that she thought it felt like the perfect situation for Nathan and I. With the good news from the doctor's appointment we told Amy we were definitely in, and we pressed forward cautiously optimistic, but severely guarded.

The following little bit (the days leading up to and after Mother's Day) was rough. We hit some bumps in the road and it looked as though this adoption, like many others, might not happen...but we didn't know that for sure so we kept hoping. She (the birthmother) decided that she wanted to see our profile and possible some others so we felt like it wasn't going well. We still told almost no one. Our parents and a SMALL handful of others (like bosses at work, etc) knew. Unlike Ohio & Georgia, we didn't buy anything in preparation for this situation. In fact, we both felt like it wasn't going to work out.

On Tuesday May 10th I got a text from Amy that said "She is at the hospital in Vegas having back to back contractions, I'll keep you posted". I worried...of course. I didn't even know what was going to happen with this situation and so I didn't know what to feel. Relieved that maybe the baby would be born and we could move on when she didn't want us...because at least we'd have an answer. Worried about a stay in Nevada for ICPC (I'll explain this more later). Concerned for her, hoping she was ok. As the day wore on with no news I assumed the worst (I think 4 failed adoptions makes you do that), but late that night I heard from our caseworker. They got her labor stopped and sent her home with pills to take every six hours to keep the contractions at bay. She had a doctor's appointment the following Monday and her doctor in St George could assess the situation then. We still didn't know where we stood...should we be preparing for a baby or not?

Friday May 13th I came home from the Temple feeling totally at peace. I felt like this adoption wasn't going to happen but everything would be ok anyway. I told Nathan my feelings and discovered he felt the same way. Amy told us the agency had a lot of new women considering adoption and she was hopeful we would find a situation that would work for us. We waited for Monday to see how the doctor's appointment went and hopefully we'd find out then a definitive answer so we could move on...either with this situation or another.

Prayers are answered

2011-05-18T19:07:00.000-05:00

Miles Elijah

born 5.16.11

adopted 5.18.11

The incredible story to come...but for now I need to just snuggle my new little guy.

To the not-mothers

2011-05-08T07:30:00.011-05:00

This post is for all those out there who are not mothers.

The world will tell you that it's selfish to feel sad on Mother's Day. They tell you that you should celebrate your own mother and not think of yourself. I am here to tell you that it is ok to be sad on Mother's Day, especially if your empty arms ache for children yet to come, or for children that you no longer have. The world will tell you that it's an insult to your mother to be sad this day. I am here to tell you that my sadness for today has NOTHING to do with my love for my mother. I {love} my mother. I love my grandmothers, my aunts and my pseudo-mothers, my sister-in-laws and my friends who are mothers. I will always treasure the wonderful example that the women in my life set for me. I celebrate them and love them...but that love doesn't heal the painful longing I have to be counted among them.

One year ago I quietly celebrated that I was an expectant mother...through adoption. I rejoiced in the thought of never having to suffer through another not-a-Mother's Day. So on this, my 7th Not-a-Mother's Day my earnest prayer and hope is that there won't be an 8th.

Birthmother's Day

2011-05-07T12:08:00.001-05:00

Today is a day set-aside in the adoption community as a day to celebrate the women who gave incredible sacrifices...sacrifices that gave a family to a child. Whether the adoption is open or closed, recent or far in the past...these women are brave and amazing. They put the needs of their child above their own wants and desires. Reading their stories is something I think everyone should do...to get a true realization of the LOVE that goes into the decision.

Here are a few of my favorites:

Diary of Birthmom

Mistakes becoming Miracles

Becoming Stefanie Despain

If you want to take a moment today and say a prayer for all the brave women out there who currently wear, and who will wear the title "Birthmother" that would be lovely. Say an extra prayer for ours would you? Whoever she is and wherever she may be.

Cinco de Mayo

2011-05-05T10:14:00.000-05:00

It's interesting. Last year on Cinco de Mayo I prepared an awesome, authentic Mexican meal. I had been taught how to prepare it by a woman who was pregnant and planning on placing her twin babies with us. She had come to Chicago to meet us and on her visit had imparted some of her traditional cooking knowledge on me. Nathan and I celebrated that evening over carne asada & homemade horchata and looked forward to the two sweet little babies who would be joining our family only a couple months later. Or so we thought. If someone would have told me that night that a year later we would still be childless...having endured four failed adoptions I think I would have smacked them, called them rude and then cried for a week.

Good thing we don't always know our future, eh?

If I wasn't feeling so crappy (bronchitis...oh goody) I'd whip up some carne asade right now and toast to not knowing your future!

NIAW

2011-05-01T18:14:00.000-05:00

April 24-30 was National Infertility Awareness Week which is sponsored by RESOLVE: the National Infertility Association.

Over the last week I tried working up several different posts...but could never quite get one right. I attempted a post to debunk myths and another post just to share my feelings...but no matter what I tried, it left me feeling empty and sad. It's been a hard week...especially with what's happened the last month...especially with Mother's Day bearing down upon me. This week I wasn't strong enough to fight infertility battles, so I let others do it.

But I feel like I could pass on something that I know helps us. Here it is, my one piece of advice if you have someone in your life struggling with infertility:

Love them.

Don't try to fix their problems, don't offer advice, don't preach to them, don't abandon them for fear of hurting their feelings...just love them.

(If you want to read some pretty fantastic posts, click on the links above or click here)

Seminary Donuts

2011-04-24T13:25:00.000-05:00

Nathan and I spoke in church today. This is the third Easter that we've been asked to speak in Sacrament Meeting since we've been married. Either we totally rock or there is just something about the Atonement that we're not grasping and we need a little more studying...but I'm guessing it's because we both needed the message. It's been a tough couple weeks.

Anyhoo...I used the following story in my talk and loved it so I thought I'd share it. It's a perfect story to share on Easter. Thanks to Bro McKay at Weber Seminary for sharing it all those years ago (I won't tell you how many...but it's double digits)

Seminary Donuts

There was a boy by the name of Steve who was attending Seminary in Utah. In Utah, Seminary classes are held as part of the curriculum. Brother Christianson taught Seminary at this particular school. He had an open-door policy and would take in any student that had been thrown out of another class as long as they would abide by his rules.

Steve had been kicked out of his sixth period and no other teacher wanted him, so he went into Brother Christianson's Seminary class. Steve was told that he couldn't be late, so he would come in just seconds before the bell rang and he would sit in the very back of the room. He would also be the first to leave after the class was over.

One day, Brother Christianson asked Steve to stay after class so he could talk with him. After class, Brother Christianson pulled Steve aside and said, "You think you're pretty tough, don't you?"

Steve's answer was, "Yeah, I do."

Then Brother Christianson asked, "How many push-ups can you do?"

Steve said, "I do about 200 every night."

"200? That's pretty good, Steve." Brother Christianson said, "Do you think you could do 300?"

Steve replied, "I don't know... I've never done 300 at a time."

"Do you think you could?" again asked Brother Christianson.

"Well, I can try," said Steve.

"Can you do 300 in sets of 10? I need you to do 300 in sets of ten for this to work. Can you do it? I need you to tell me you can do it." Brother Christianson said.

Steve said, "Well... I think I can... yeah, I can do it."

Brother Christianson said, "Good! I need you to do this on Friday."

Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in the front of the room. When class started, Brother Christianson pulled out a big box of donuts. Now these weren't the normal kinds of donuts. They were the extra fancy BIG kind, with cream centers and frosting swirls. Everyone was pretty excited - it was Friday, the last class of the day, and they were going to get an extra early start on the weekend.

Brother Christianson went to the first girl in the first row and asked, "Cynthia, do you want a donut?" Cynthia said, "Yes." Brother Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would you do ten push-ups so that Cynthia can have a donut?"

Steve said, "Sure," and jumped down from his desk to do a quick ten. Then Steve again sat in his desk. Brother Christianson put a donut on Cynthia's desk.

Brother Christianson then went to Joe, the next person, and asked, "Joe, do you want a donut?" Joe said, "Yes." Brother Christianson asked, "Steve would you do ten push-ups so Joe can have a donut?" Steve did ten push-ups; Joe got a donut. And so it went, down the first aisle. Steve did ten pushups for every person before they got their donut. And down the second aisle, till Brother Christianson came to Scott.

Scott was captain of the football team and center of the basketball team. He was very popular and never lacking for female companionship. When Brother Christianson asked, "Scott do you want a donut?"

Scott's reply was "Well, can I do my own pushups?"

Brother Christianson said, "No, Steve has to do them. "

Then Scott said, "Well, I don't want one then."

Brother Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would you do ten push-ups so Scott can have a donut he doesn't want?"

Steve started to do ten push-ups. Scott said, "HEY! I said I didn't want one!"

Brother Christianson said, "Look, this is my classroom, my class, my desks, and my donuts. Just leave it on the desk if you don't want it", and he put a donut on Scott's desk. Now by this time, Steve had begun to slow down a little. He just stayed on the floor between sets because it took too much effort to be getting up and down, and a little perspiration appeared around his brow.

Brother Christianson started down the third row. By now, the students were beginning to get a little angry.

Brother Christianson asked Jenny, "Jenny, do you want a donut?" Jenny said, "No". Then Brother Christianson asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten pushups so Jenny can have a donut that she doesn't want?" Steve did ten; Jenny got a donut.

By now, the students were beginning to say "No" and there were all these uneaten donuts on the desks. Steve was also having to really put forth a lot of effort to get these push-ups done for each donut. There began to be a small pool of sweat on the floor beneath his face, and his arms and brow were beginning to get red because of the physical effort involved.

Brother Christianson asked Robert to watch Steve to make sure he did ten push-ups in a set because he couldn't bear to watch all of Steve's work for all of those uneaten donuts. Robert began to watch Steve closely.

Brother Christianson started down the fourth row. During his class, however, some students had wandered in and sat along the heaters along the sides of the room. When Brother Christianson realized this; he did a quick count and saw that there were now 34 students in the room. He started to worry if Steve would be able to make it.

Brother Christianson went on to the next person, the next, and the next. Near the end of that row, Steve was really having a rough time. He was taking a lot more time to complete each set.

Steve asked Brother Christianson, "Do I have to make my nose touch on each one?"

Brother Christianson thought for a moment, "Well, they're your push-ups. You can do them any way that you want." And Brother Christianson went on.

A few moments later, Jason came to the room and was about to come in when all the students yelled, "NO! Don't come in! Stay out!" Jason didn't know what was going on.

Steve picked up his head and said, "No, let him come."

Brother Christianson said, "You realize that if Jason comes in you will have to do ten push-ups for him."

Steve said, "Yes, let him come in.

" Brother Christianson said, "Okay, I'll let you get Jason's out of the way right now. Jason, do you want a donut?"

"Yes."

"Steve, will you do ten pushups so that Jason can have a donut?"

Steve did ten push-ups very slowly and with great effort. Jason, bewildered, was handed a donut and sat down. Brother Christianson finished the fourth row, then started on those seated on the heaters. Steve's arms were now shaking with each push-up in a struggle to lift him against the force of gravity. Sweat was dropping off his face and, by this time, there was not a dry eye in the room. The very last two girls in the room were cheerleaders and very popular. Brother Christianson went to Linda, the second to last, and asked, "Linda, do you want a donut?"

Linda, too choked up to talk, just shook her head. Brother Christianson asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten push-ups so that Linda can have a donut she doesn't want?" Grunting from the effort, Steve did ten very slow push-ups for Linda. Then Brother Christianson turned to the last girl, Susan. "Susan, do you want a donut?"

Susan, with tears flowing down her face, asked, "Brother Christianson, can I help him?"

Brother Christianson, with tears of his own, said, "No, he has to do it alone."

"Steve, would you do ten push-ups so Susan can have a donut?" As Steve very slowly finished his last pushup, with the understanding that he had accomplished all that was required of him, having done 350 pushups, his arms buckled beneath him and he fell to the floor.

Brother Christianson then said, "And so it was, that our Savior, Jesus Christ, pleaded to the Father, "Into thy hands I commend my spirit", and with the understanding that He had done everything that was required of Him, collapsed on the cross and died - even for those that didn't want His gift."

Happy Easter

2011-04-23T23:52:00.003-05:00

Feet

2011-04-21T13:55:00.001-05:00

I have a thing for feet. Nothing creepy or inappropriate, but I like taking pictures of our feet at all the places we go. It's weird I know...oh well, I'm weird.

Here's our Southern "vacation" ...feet style.

Bewildered, hurt, angry feet on River Street in Savannah, GA

Sad, grieving, healing feet in the Atlantic Ocean on Hilton Head Island, SC

Sunburned, swollen, ready-for-home feet in Charleston, SC

Be sure you put your feet in the right place,

then stand firm.

-Abraham Lincoln

Not shatterproof

2011-04-19T00:06:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm barely keeping it together. I try to act tough and strong...but I'm not. I try and smile and repeat positive mantras to myself...as if that will keep the rising tide of sadness at bay.

I don't know why this one has hit me so much harder than the others. Maybe because we actually got on a plane this time. That simple act let my heart believe that it was real; that I was finally going to be called Mother. Maybe it's because of my ever growing fear that with this failure the scales were tipped to the hopeless side of things.

I'm trying to keep hope alive, but it's getting almost too much for me to bear.

Over the edge...over again

2011-04-13T15:36:00.001-05:00

In February we got an email about some adoption situations. This is nothing new, I get them about once a week. Most of the time they are WAY out of our budget so I day-dream for a minute what it would be like to pursue them, and then I come back to reality. One of the situations in this particular email was twins. For some reason I am obsessed with wanting twins so of course we threw our hat in the ring. I spoke with the caseworker (her name is Amy) at the agency (which was not LDSFS, the agency we're currently going through) and found out that there was only one other couple interested and that there was a second set of twins coming a month later. She (half) jokingly said "Let's just give one to you and one to the other couple!" Sounded good to me. A week later the woman stopped returning calls to the agency so that situation never panned out. The other set of twins never materialized either. (Come to find out women pregnant with twins are less likely to place their babies than a woman with a single baby. The novelt of twins adds significant pressure to the woman) But our name was now with this new agency so we would get calls/emails every once-in-a-while about situations that needed adoptive families.

That brings us to two weeks ago. I got an email from Amy, it listed a bunch of situations but she said she thought one situation would be perfect for us. A baby boy due in Ohio on April 12th. I was sick at the time and so it took a couple days for me to get to the email. I responded back with a "Sure, throw our hats in the ring". We were the only family that had expressed interest and so ours was the only profile being shown to her. Our profile was printed and overnighted to the woman. She got it Friday (April 1st), on Monday she called her caseworker and said she had a few questions for us. She said she was going to the doctor the following morning and would call when she got home. We anxiously waited for that call...wondering what questions she might have. Amy called us in late afternoon with some shocking news...the woman was being induced in the morning! She asked if we were still interested (for sure!) if we were ready (absolutely!) and wondered how soon we could be to Ohio (just a 6 hour drive!). There was still information that had to be sorted out so she said she'd call us back. Nathan was the one that talked to her and he got a very positive vibe from the conversation so we hoped the news would be good. Feeling celebratory, we ran to Target, TJ Maxx & Carter's and picked up some baby boy stuff. We didn't hear anything that night until late. Amy said she was sensing some hesitation from the woman's caseworker...she didn't know if it was about adoption in general or us in specific. She said she'd keep us posted. A phone call Wednesday morning confirmed that the baby was born and the mother had decided not to place. Although we had some idea that this would be the outcome (after the previous night's call) we were still heartbroken. We cried together. I told Nathan I couldn't do one more...I was done. He felt the same way (you may have seen this post on Facebook). We decided to not make a decision in our hurt, but wait a few days and see how we felt. That was Wednesday.

Thursday started out normal. Nathan got up, went to work and I went about my business being a house wife. He got home shortly after three and as we were talking about his upcoming work weekend my phone rang. It was Amy. I will remember her words forever: "Hi! You guys still want a baby?" My first thought was that the Ohio woman had changed her mind and decided to place. She told me that a baby girl had been born the night before in Savannah, Georgia and they needed a family ASAP. She said "she's yours if you want her." I told her Nathan had just walked in the door...let me run it by him and I'd call her right back. I gave Nathan the details and we called Amy back to tell her we wanted her. She said she'd get to work on their end...we immediately started preparations on ours. I called my mom to have her check on flights and hotels. We called friends to set up care for Winston. Nathan called his boss to set up his leave. Amidst all this we started furiously packing (which was easy because I had created detailed packing lists for the Ohio trip I thought we'd be taking earlier that week), doing laundry and picking up the house (I didn't want to come home with a new baby to a filthy house...although the house wasn't too dirty because we'd cleaned it a few days earlier, once again in our preparations for Ohio). I stopped the mail, talked to our neighbors, arranged a ride to the airport, packed all three of our suitcases (the small pink suitcase filled with tiny pink clothes was just too adorable for words) and Nathan and I quickly went back to Target, TJ Maxx & Carters to exchange all that blue stuff for pink stuff. While we were out we announced our news on Facebook and started receiving a HUGE amount of well wishes (seriously...HUGE amount...the notifications crashed my BlackBerry three times that night). We got home, pulled out the boxes of baby/nursery stuff, pulled the tags off all the pink stuff and threw it in the wash. We finally got to bed at 3am. Friday morning at four the alarm went off, we got ready and headed to the airport. Our first stop was in Nashville, we snapped a pic, excited to be one step closer to our baby girl. Next up was Charlotte, NC. I texted the caseworker who had already arrived in Savannah, asking her what the plan would be once we landed...she was still working out the details with the lawyers. She said to call her when we landed in Georgia. I called my mom who was figuring out where in Savannah we could get the carseat and stroller we wanted, she said she'd figure it out and have the info when we landed.

As the plane took off I once again couldn't hold back the tears. We were only a short 35 minutes from our little girl. When we touched down in Savannah and the captain said "Welcome to Savannah" the tears came in full force. This of course brought the attention of the flight attendant and the people nearby. "We're here to pick up our baby daughter" we told her...and she started tearing up as well as several of the passengers near us. They wished us good luck and we got off the plane. Nathan turned his phone on and noticed a voicemail, which he quickly checked. It was Amy. She told us not to transfer the money (to pay the agency), that there was a change of plans. I knew. I hoped with every fiber of my being that I was wrong...but in that instant I knew. My heart sunk. Nathan called her back and found out the woman had decided not to place the baby. It was over. Another dream shattered. I texted my mom "Don't buy the stroller", then crumpled into a chair and sobbed. I didn't care what I looked like or how much noise I made....I couldn't control it. Right there in the concourse of the Savannah airport my heart broke wide open. Nathan held me tight and let me cry, while shedding tears of his own. After a few minutes he gently got me up, said we should go get our bags and then we could decide what to do. We posted on Facebook that it had fallen through and immediately started getting kind words from those we love.

As we made our way to the baggage claim it felt like we were in a dream...a horrible dream. We got to baggage claim only to find out that the airline had lost our luggage...except for the little pink suitcase, full of baby clothes that we would no longer need. (Now THAT is what you call irony). At the baggage claim desk I lost it again. The sweet woman who was helping me, upon hearing what had just happened, came around the desk and hugged me tight. She told me how sorry she was, and that she would be praying for us. The guy at the car rental place was not to nice. He was actually kind of a jerk...ok, not kind of...he was a JERK. When we stepped outside to pick up the car, the unknowing attendant asked "Will it be just the two of you?" More tears. We drove to the hotel in near silence, the only sounds were my quiet sobbing and Garmin barking directions to us.

We got checked in and to the room and we called our parents. More tears...and anger. I had a horrible headache from the tears and all I wanted to do was to take a nice, long hot shower and cry some more. But we had no luggage...except for all the tiny pink clothes. Which meant no brush, no comb, no clean underwear, no PJ's. During this time I was still getting 'Congratulations' notifications on my phone...each one stung more than the previous one had. Night came and our luggage still hadn't so we tried to sleep. Saturday came and we found out our luggage had been located...it had gone to another city on another airline. They said their delivery service would run it to us, we'd have it in an hour. Two hours passed and still no luggage. I got a call from the same kind baggage claim agent from the day before. She told me the delivery truck's brakes had gone out so they couldn't deliver it until later...did we want to come get it? Seriously...now all these mishaps were ALMOST comical. (Some day they will be...but not yet)

During the time we waited for our luggage we had decided to stay a few days to rest and recuperate...but I couldn't stay in Savannah. It was just too raw, too real, too painful. We looked on a map and saw that Hilton Head, SC was close so we (once again) enlisted the help of my mom to get everything switched. So we went to the airport, picked up the bags and changed the rental car reservation. Luckily it was a new guy who seemed quite a bit nicer than the first...in fact when I explained why we needed to change the reservation, he teared up with me. We took the afternoon and saw downtown Savannah. It was beautiful, but the pit in my stomach I got every time I thought about why we were there was not.

Sunday morning we got up and made the drive up to Hilton Head, where we stayed until Tuesday afternoon. From there we drove to Charleston, SC & caught the flight home. We got home LATE last night and walking back in our front door empty handed was harder than I thought it was going to be. I took that little pink suitcase full of baby girl clothes and put it in the spare room and shut the door. I can't deal with that today.

It is amazing to us the caliber of friends and family we are blessed to have in our lives. The outpouring of love and support has lifted us up and carried us when we couldn't go any further. We are very blessed.

Over the last week Nathan and I have asked ourselves multiple times why we have been asked to travel this road. Adoption is tough, but it seems that we have experienced an exceptionally rocky road. Four failed adoptions in nine months...with two of those coming in one week. We don't know why this is our path, but we know we're supposed to be on it. Someday it will all work out. I wish I knew when....oh how I wish I knew. We hope that this will be the end of our heartache, but if it isn't we accept that.

I am a lucky woman. I married a wonderfully supportive husband. He is my rock. I have a kind, generous mother & father who would do anything to help us in our hours of need. I have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins & siblings who give us love & support. I have beautiful friendships that buoy me up when the waves crash around me and I can't stay afloat. And I have a loving Father in Heaven that wraps His arms around us when we're all alone and feeling broken. And while my heart and empty arms ache for a child, I am grateful for the things I do have that help us get through horrible things.

Perfect Little Prophetic Epistle

2011-04-05T11:00:00.020-05:00

Over the weekend Nathan and I made it a priority to listen to General Conference. For those not familiar, the LDS Church holds a General Conference twice a year. In both April & October a set of five 2-hour sessions are held where we are counseled by church leaders. The Conference is held in Salt Lake City, Utah and broadcast all over the world, in many languages. In the closing session on Sunday afternoon Elder Jeffrey R. Holland spoke about the Conference itself. He said that if you listen with the Spirit, you will receive your own "Perfect Little Prophetic Epistle." In other words, something the Lord meant for you to hear, that He knew you needed. I'll have to admit that in other conferences I haven't always paid close attention and so many times I haven't come away with my own PLPE. But this time my heart was very open, in large part to what's been going on in our lives as of late. So Sunday morning when Elder Paul V. Johnson spoke (you can watch it HERE) I was ready to hear what {I needed} to hear. He spoke about trials, which is not a new topic; but there was just something about his words that pricked my heart strings. He spoke about the Crimson Trail in Logan Canyon, a difficult trail that Nathan and I have climbed before; and maybe that is part of why I connected so much with him as he spoke. He mentions that the trail is difficult, but the hardest part is the last little piece. I can vouch for that...it is steep and you can't see anything that suggests the effort is going to be worth it. Elder Johnson said "The views of the canyon are hidden by the cliffs themselves". There was a part of me on that hike that wanted to turn back...convinced we'd seen enough and couldn't possibly go any further. It is difficult to see the big picture when you're stuck in the middle of something...especially if that something is difficult. Elder Johnson agrees:

"In the midst of problems it's nearly impossible to see that the coming blessings far outweigh the pain, humiliation or heartbreak we may be currently experiencing."

But if you press on, just past that tough stretch the panoramic views of the canyon are spectacular...well worth the effort. Elder Johnson then said:

"A pattern in the scriptures and in life shows that many times the darkest, most dangerous tests immediately precede remarkable events & tremendous growth."

I feel like in our lives, and more specifically in our adoption journey, that we are facing a horrible, painful, exhausting stretch. Many times over the last few months, and especially the last week I have wanted to give up. I felt convinced that we'd seen enough and couldn't possibly go any further. So as I sat, listening to the words spill out of Elder Johnson's mouth I felt comfort. I hold on to the hope that our remarkable events are not far away. Yesterday was hard again; and I found myself wanting to give in to the crushing hopelessness I felt. I prayed for strength as I fell asleep last night on a tear stained pillow, and I woke today to sunshine streaming through my window and feelings of comfort in my soul.

I want to leave you with my Perfect Little Prophetic Epistle...which you can hear for yourself if you want. It's at about the five minute mark in this video. The trick for me is remembering this while in the depths of despair...and I'm working on that.

"Time after time we see marvelous blessings on the heel of great trials."

Up, down, up...

2011-04-04T17:29:00.000-05:00

...and down again.

Adoption is not easy on the heart.

Just the Same

2011-03-31T11:25:00.002-05:00

Have you read the April Ensign yet? It's got some good stuff. Like this beauty:

Just the Same

by Diana Lynn Lacey

Sometimes—
God sends rain
Straight from the sky
To nourish the young flower
and it grows.

Sometimes—
God sends rain from the sky
To the mountaintops,
Then over hills and through valleys
Until it reaches the flower
and it grows, just the same.

Sometimes—
God sends a child
Straight from His realm
Into a mother’s arms
and love grows.

Sometimes—
God sends a child
From heaven to another’s arms,
Then over hills and through valleys
Until he reaches the arms of his mother
and love grows, just the same.

Starting fresh...

2011-03-24T23:19:00.002-05:00

...in the hopes of something new.

We are changing adoption agencies. Yep, you heard me right. We're hitching our destiny to another star...or casting our line in another stream...or something like that.

The agency we're currently with just hasn't worked out like we'd hoped. When we started the process we were told that 2 years was the average wait time frame. Two years from initial application to the day you bring home your baby. Now I realize that's an AVERAGE...I've had friends wait much longer than 2 years. But we're at 17 months and our situation is getting urgent. We can't afford to sit around and wait to be placed. (Although truthfully we haven't been sitting around...I think we have done a pretty good job about getting our names out there...we just haven't met the right person yet.) Nathan is up for transfer next year (seriously...is it that time AGAIN?!?) so we need to have an adoption wrapped up here before then. When you allow for the six month finalization timeframe it means we need to find our baby by August. (The state requires you to have 3-6 post-placement visits with a social worker and file a new mountain of paperwork and wait at least 6 months until they will legally finalize the adoption. Just one of the many joys adoptive parents get to experience.) That's not much more than 4 months ladies and gents. As I lay in bed a few weeks ago pondering life in general and adoption in specific my mind started doing the math and I freaked out a bit. Ok, not a bit...full on OCD mode kicked in. I made another adoption binder...I created a filing system so that as I investigated each agency I could remember who had told me what. Over the next couple weeks I emailed like crazy, filled out forms, spend HOURS on the phone, prayed, cried, ate, prayed some more...and we finally narrowed it down. Hallelujia!

The agency we picked (A Guardian Angel) is busy. But that's good...it means they know what they're doing. My goal is to have the mounds of new paperwork completed and our printable profile created, printed and bound and in the mail Monday. Boy oh boy it's going to be a B.U.S.Y. weekend! But we both have a really good feeling about this agency. I'm hoping this is it!

32 things

2011-03-22T05:00:00.009-05:00

Funny Story: Nathan and I were talking the other day and he said something about turning 31 this year. Wrong, I said. Uh huh, he said. Um, nope...try that again. Several moments of silence and counting he determined that he was turning 32 not 31.

In honor of the 32nd birthday of my dear hubby I'm going to list 32 things I love about this guy. If you want to leave a comment and say something you love about him, that would be awesome. He'll love to read them.

Without further adieu...

32 reasons I love my Nathan

(There are more than 32...but it would spoil the theme if I posted them all...and you'd likely get bored after 2,439.)

He is kind
He makes me laugh everyday
He lets me be me
His freaky Neal heel
The way he loves Winston
They way I know he'll love our children
He is an active participant in our adoption journey
The crazy Nathan type dancing he does when Funk music is being played
When he is in Billy mode
He lets me snuggle to him even though it makes him hot
He says some things with the cutest hick accent
His hitched smile
He likes chick flicks
He gets teary watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition
He's generous
That vein that pops out on his head when he's playing his French Horn
...or when he's really worked up about something
He loves working in the Temple together
He will brush my hair if I ask him
He drives his truck all over tarnation helping people...and expects nothing in return
How attached he is to his rusted Jasper (that's his truck's name)
He does dishes
He does laundry
He vacuums
He scoops the litterbox!
He is extremely ticklish
He is a wonderful musician
He loves running sound and puts so much time and effort into it
...which provides a living for our family
He never complains about what I cook for him (except the Lemon rice...)
He's tech saavy
He is my best friend

Stunned

2011-03-21T15:25:00.004-05:00

I went online today to check out reviews of an adoption agency that we are thinking of using. One of the comments on the review site dropped my jaw to the floor. It was directed to a woman who had recently adopted, so while it wasn't said specifically to me the sting I felt was though it had been. I can't believe that there are people out there who honestly feel this way about women who cannot get pregnant.

If it is too small to read, click on it and it will get bigger.

Mixing Bowls & Stilettos

2011-03-20T20:35:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I know it is totally normal (and maybe expected in some circles) in the bloggy world to have multiple blogs. I used to think those people were narcissistic, self-grandizing know-it-all's. Now I'm one of them. Seriously. (And who knows, maybe we are narcissistic, self-grandizing know-it-all's...it wouldn't be the first time someone has called me any of those) I've always had this blog and for a while the Unseen Readers was active. I have my photography blog, but that's just because I like being able to look back at my photos. Now I've started a cooking blog...but not to convert the world to the way of Holly cooking. It is more for my mom. :) We talk on the phone almost everyday and so she frequently gets the run-down of what I'm making for dinner. She'll ask for a recipe, which I know she writes on the back of an envelope, receipt or other slip of paper and then loses within a day or so...because I do the same thing. So I decided to put some of the things I make on a blog. And it gives me something to do...being a stay at home mom to a kitty doesn't require that much time and effort. Well, except for the daily snuggle hour, which I love. And the required quiet time before each of Winson's naps...seriously...that cat is like a human child. I'll have to tell you about it some time.

Ok, I got sidetracked. If you want to check out what's been cooking at our house, you can check me out HERE.

New mantra

2011-03-15T23:48:00.000-05:00

I've seen this quote floating around the interwebs the last few weeks and I loved it...but it just wasn't purple enough. So I made me a "holly" version.

I just may print it big and put it on my bathroom mirror so I can see it everyday.

Dear Uterus:

2011-03-12T02:25:00.000-06:00

We have had our disagreements in the past. Truth be told, we don't actually get along all that well...kind of like Democrats and Republicans. I blame it on your incessant need to tantrum every month or so despite the fact that you won't live up to your purpose and do your part (along with your hyperactive ovary cousins) to help me be a carrier of life. And while I've come to accept that you'll never function properly, I will not stand for this abuse. Spending days wasted on hard core pain killers might sound like fun to Charlie Sheen...but the druggy haze makes it hard for me to walk in heels. Knock it off or so help me you and your ugly cousins will find yourselves at the bottom of a hazardous waste bin faster than Ryan Seacrest goes through a bottle of hair gel.

The end.

DSW Haul

2011-03-09T13:23:00.000-06:00

Remember back when I told you about winning the gift card to DSW on Shuesday? Well I got my sweet little gift card in the mail along with a coupon for a free bag (seriously!) so I promptly skipped on over to DSW to spend my free money. Wanna see my loot?

Madden Girl Black 4" heels

Guess satin wedges

diba snakeskin stilettos

Poppy Jones snakeskin purse

DSW Stardust tote (the free one...if you were a Rewards member you could've got that one free too)

I was so excited...new shoes make me so happy. :) I can't wait for it to warm up so I can wear those sandals!

I'm a Gleek

2011-03-08T17:44:00.000-06:00

Nathan and I have recently started watching Glee. I have to admit I was hesitant at first, the thought of high school kids breaking out into song seemed a bit cheesy to me. But I caught a glimpse of an episode one night and loved it. So we put the first two seasons on our Netflix que and have been catching up on the episodes we've missed. Today we watched an episode where a Glee club from a school for the deaf sang John Lennon's Imagine...which just happens to be my favorite song. It brought me to tears and I just had to share it.

Here you go: