Thoughts of the baby nature

I have no idea where this string of thoughts came from...but it's been occupying my mind for a while and it seems the only way to give my mind some solace is to get it on paper.  What follows is a cocktail of my religious beliefs, my personal beliefs, and the emotional thoughts of an infertile person contemplating life.  The Gospel according to Holly as it were.  

I wonder what Miles felt as he, waiting to come to earth,  watched his future mother and father excitedly prepare for twins that he knew he was not part of.  I wonder if he cried quiet tears for us, knowing the heartache that waited at the other end of the plane ride to Georgia.  I wonder in those quiet, tear-filled moments in the dark of night, when I felt all hope was lost; if he tried whispering in my ears "don't give up Mommy".  I wonder how many times he wanted to come NOW...not wait, because he could see the pain we were feeling.  It must have been hard for my stubborn little guy as he was told: it's not time, you have to wait.  I imagine the excitement he felt as the day of his birth inched closer.  I wonder if in those last few days he stayed close to us, imagining what it would be like to finally be in our physical presence.   The night we first held him, there were no tears.  Only peace.  Like the peace of three hearts who had waited so long to meet, and were finally at rest now that they were beating so close together.  Those first few days as we would stare into each others' eyes I sensed a deep bond that stretched eternities...rather than merely days.

I also wonder a lot about the three babies we lost in miscarriage.  Were those Miles' attempts to join our family years ago that were thwarted by my faulty reproductive system?  Or are there three children waiting for us on the other side, patiently awaiting their turn to be held by mommy?

Then, naturally, my thought string falls to the twins, the Florida baby girl, the Ohio baby boy, and the Georgia baby girl...all of whom watched as we anxiously awaited their arrival.  I believe they knew we would not be their parents; that the plan we so desperately were counting on, would change.  I wonder what they thought...and I wonder if Miles knew them.  

I also wonder if there are any more children waiting to join our family.  I don't currently feel any sort of pressure, like I did before we got Miles, to work our way down the adoption path...or fertility path for that matter.  I feel content as our family of three.  I wonder if there is another child sitting and watching, patiently hoping for the time that I'll feel that "there's someone missing" feeling. 

Snow

Isn't it amazing that after a good snowfall all the impurities of the earth are covered in a shining coat of clean white? And everything feels fresh and pure and happy? Don't you wish there was something like that for mankind?

tears from heaven

it's raining...and whenever it rains it reminds me of Newport. I miss it terribly and sometimes I forget I'm here and I am dreaming about Newport and my friends there and eating at my favorite restaurant and my favorite place to park the car and listen to the waves. I miss walking in the sand, and the sounds of the harbor. I miss feeling like I was someone who mattered. Not that everything was perfect there - but I miss it.

I am struggling here. I am in a job(s) I hate, working for $6 an hour. I know I shouldn't complain - at least I have a job. And at least I have a sweet, understanding husband, and am close to family...but that still doesn't take away the pain I feel whenever it rains. I have this image in my mind of my windsheild washers going and driving past Johnny's and seeing a stop sign blur past in the distorted, water covered glass. It is an odd image to have, but for some reason I always think of it when it rains.

I miss Othello. I know he was just a cat, and he has been gone for almost 5 months now, but he was like my child and I was holding him when he died. I can still remember what his body felt like, limp and growing cold. He's buried in Rhode Island, next to his brother, and even though I know HE is not in the ground, I still wish I could go there and touch the soil and be close to the last place I saw him. I feel like I never got to greive for him, he died so suddenly, and right before our move.

I feel so overwhelmed, and I'm losing my grip. I feel as though I'm in a storm drain and the water level is rising higher and higher and I can't get out, and the water won't stop coming...it's getting deeper and deeper, because it's raining.

D-Day

Well, today would have been my due date. I had to work at the baby store - and it was not as hard as I thought it would be...my sweet hubby and thoughtful mom both sent me flowers and Marci gave me a hug when I was on the brink of tears...so besides the 'don't-worry-you'll-get pregnant-someday' pep talk from my boss, today went ok. Tonight we had dinner at Nathan's buddy's house with some of his friends from high school and their wives...it was fun and a good distraction.

Well now I need to go study for my International Politics test...woohoo...all-nighter for me!

the grass is always greener

...ok, so after working one day I decided that I do not want to work anymore...I want to be a stay at home mom to my kitty...although our current financial situation really does not permit this...that is where I hope to be eventually someday - and someday soon!

You know it is funny...growing up I didn't really want kids and when we were first married Nathan seemed kinda shocked by this - him coming from a very large family. I wanted the career and an office and the business suits and heels and stockings...the whole bit - I actually wanted to work for the secret service or FBI...well after I got married I don't know what happened...it was like a 'mother' light turned on in my brain and all-of-a-sudden I wanted to have kids...but only 2, maybe 3 max... But as time goes on and the harder it is for us to have children, the more children I find that I want...now I would like 5 or 6...maybe even 7 (call me crazy)...

So my question is: What is it about human nature that makes us always want what we don't have?? How come we are never satisfied...we always want a different house or car or neighbor or job...yet when we get these things we want still something else...

I know the answer is something like: You will never be happy in your current situation until you are truly happy with yourself...but how do we get to that point?? How do we conquer the inner voices always complaining about what we don't have or do have and wish we didn't??

Ghosts in boxes

Ok, so I got ahold of the restaurant guy and told him that if the offer was still good, I would love to take it. He said the owner would call me Monday or Tuesday to arrange a time for me to come in and fill out paperwork, etc, etc... I'm glad to have a job, but I still feel disappointed that I didn't get the lawyer job, like I'm some sort of failure or something. Although having the restaurant job will likely be a blessing once school starts...it will allow me to actually take some classes where the lawyer job would not...I really wanted that job, and the prestige that would come with it.


Depression is a tricky animal...if you have never had anyone close (I mean spouse, best friend, parent...) to you suffer from it, consider yourself lucky. I have been dealing with depression for almost 4 years...I officially have OCD, which in my case triggers depression symptoms...I was seeing a therapist weekly until we moved, and I'm even on meds for it - which I take religiously - but every now and then somethings sneaks up on me that throws me back into a mist of darkness. I know the best thing for me is to get out of the house and go do something, but it is all I can do in the morning to get up before 11 and shower. I know having a job will help but I am scared out of my mind to go back to work...I can't even explain the originations/causes of the feelings but they are there and it is hard for anyone who has never felt them to understand the powerful effect they have on your moods. Just thinking that I might have to go into work tomorrow keeps me so on edge I can't sleep...I know part of that is the OCD, because I have to have complete control of all situations...and a new job will bring new challenges and things totally out of my control. I have Ambien (which is great, by the way) but I don't want to create a habit of having to take drugs to go to sleep.

It is funny...when we decided to get out of the military and move I thought I would be able to leave some of those ghosts in Rhode Island...but somehow they made it into boxes I tried so hard to keep them out of.