Thoughts of the baby nature

I have no idea where this string of thoughts came from...but it's been occupying my mind for a while and it seems the only way to give my mind some solace is to get it on paper.  What follows is a cocktail of my religious beliefs, my personal beliefs, and the emotional thoughts of an infertile person contemplating life.  The Gospel according to Holly as it were.  

I wonder what Miles felt as he, waiting to come to earth,  watched his future mother and father excitedly prepare for twins that he knew he was not part of.  I wonder if he cried quiet tears for us, knowing the heartache that waited at the other end of the plane ride to Georgia.  I wonder in those quiet, tear-filled moments in the dark of night, when I felt all hope was lost; if he tried whispering in my ears "don't give up Mommy".  I wonder how many times he wanted to come NOW...not wait, because he could see the pain we were feeling.  It must have been hard for my stubborn little guy as he was told: it's not time, you have to wait.  I imagine the excitement he felt as the day of his birth inched closer.  I wonder if in those last few days he stayed close to us, imagining what it would be like to finally be in our physical presence.   The night we first held him, there were no tears.  Only peace.  Like the peace of three hearts who had waited so long to meet, and were finally at rest now that they were beating so close together.  Those first few days as we would stare into each others' eyes I sensed a deep bond that stretched eternities...rather than merely days.

I also wonder a lot about the three babies we lost in miscarriage.  Were those Miles' attempts to join our family years ago that were thwarted by my faulty reproductive system?  Or are there three children waiting for us on the other side, patiently awaiting their turn to be held by mommy?

Then, naturally, my thought string falls to the twins, the Florida baby girl, the Ohio baby boy, and the Georgia baby girl...all of whom watched as we anxiously awaited their arrival.  I believe they knew we would not be their parents; that the plan we so desperately were counting on, would change.  I wonder what they thought...and I wonder if Miles knew them.  

I also wonder if there are any more children waiting to join our family.  I don't currently feel any sort of pressure, like I did before we got Miles, to work our way down the adoption path...or fertility path for that matter.  I feel content as our family of three.  I wonder if there is another child sitting and watching, patiently hoping for the time that I'll feel that "there's someone missing" feeling. 

The time has come...

Ok friends.  Talk to me about big kid carseats.  We have been using the Britax Chaperone and LOVE it...but my little chunky tuna is getting not so little and I'd like to move him up to the next seat.  But I'd also like to use a seat that will last for a few years...hopefully AT LEAST until we move back to the US.  

I'm debating between the Britax Marathon 70 & the Frontier 85.  Anyone ever use them?  (I'm a Britax gal...what can I say) but I'm open to any suggestions. 

Keep in mind we have a TEENY TINY European car that the carseat must fit in.  

Suggestions...ready....GO! 

Clarification

It appears as though a previous post of mine may have ruffled a feather or two.  I didn't mean for my Lucky post to say that Miles is better than any other child or that I am the perfect mother, who is obviously better than you, evidenced by my perfect child.  I was just expressing joy over my sweet little butter-ball smiley baby.  

Our days aren't all shiny, happy and giggle-filled (although there are more giggles than tears, for which I will always be grateful).  I have been pooped on and peed on and spit-up on and snotted on and cried on and had my hair/glasses/earrings/clothing/necklace/nose/eyeballs pulled.  Motherhood is honestly just about what I expected...I knew it wouldn't be rosy 100% of the time.  But can I tell you a secret?  Even in those moments...you know the ones...where it's 5pm and you realize that all you've done all day is feed/change/entertain/repeat this little meatball.  No shower, no meals, no house cleaning, no laundry...nothing that would be considered regular adult behavior.  You smell like stale formula and baby wipes and you're wearing the same clothes you went to bed in the previous night.  Even in those moments I am happy.  I promise.   Because you know what all that poop/pee/spit-up means??  We have a baby in our house.  We waited way too long for this experience to be upset over a little poop and tears.

Things I've learned

I always heard having a baby would change your life...some things I expected...others have surprised me.  Here are some things I've learned so far.

• There is a long list of tasks that, in actuality, only require one hand...although I have been using two hands to do these same tasks my whole life.  
• Getting up, dressed, showered, and ready...by noon...x2...is a major undertaking.
• I have a much less sensitive gag reflex than I expected.  
• I have pretty good balancing skills...toting a carseat full of baby is tricky in 4" heels.
• I need a lot less sleep than I thought I required...although I should mention that Miles does sleep 7 hours at night.  Bless his little soul.
• I will bounce/sway even if I don't have Miles in my arms.  I will never stand still again.  
• Snuggling to my sweet baby will cure even the bluest of moods.  

Lucky Number Seven

So I've been thinking.  We've now lost six babies.  Three through pregnancy loss and three through failed adoption.  I'm sending all sorts of positive vibes/thoughts/prayers out that the next time we're presented with a baby it will be the one!

Here's to Lucky Number Seven!

Being prepared

Ok all my mommy friends, I need your advice.  We are trying to be prepared for when we do get a kid (in case it is wicked little notice) and we're doing pretty good...have you seen that gorgeous nursery??  We have some clothes (all tiny size and all matching pink and blue...but hey, at least we're prepared for both now) and a crib and plenty of bottles (we were prepared for strictly formula feeding twins...) and pacifiers and tons and tons and tons of blankets and burp cloths.  Some things I know exactly what I want (like car seat, stroller, swing) but there are a few things that just have me stumped:  bathtub, diapers and playpen.  So I'm curious what those of you who've served in the trenches of motherhood have to say.

#1 - Bathtub
Let me preface this one by saying that there is NO WAY that our kitchen sink will function as a bathing center.  My OCD will just not allow it...it gives me the heebie-ma-jeebies.  So this leads me to the dilemma.  Do I need a bathtub?  The sink in our hall bathroom is kinda like a tub...you can see it here.  I also have THIS tub already, but it won't be any good until a baby can sit on their own.  (And yes I know that even then, a child should never be left alone in the tub.)  So what do you say?  Do I use the bathroom sink until they are big enough for the duck tub or so I spring for a tub?   If I do get a tub, I like The Tummy Tub, I've heard really good things about it.

 #2 - Diapers
I would love to be the mom that could do cloth diapers...but I honestly don't think I'm that mom.  But with that said, the thought of mounds and mounds of my child's diapers being sent to rot in landfills for the rest of time or until they are burned in a nuclear winter??  Makes me sick to my stomach.  So I started searching for alternatives...and I found G Diapers.  I love them...but I want to know first hand experience from someone who has used them.  They have the option for cloth inserts, should my opinions change, but the disposable inserts are FLUSHABLE, compostable or if thrown out they biodegrade completely within a year.   If you haven't heard of G Diapers, there are some great videos on YouTube...here is a good one.

#3 - Playpen
Do I really need one?  We live in a 2 bedroom urban apartment...the nursery is less than 10 steps from either our room or the main living area.  So needing one as a second sleeping spot isn't needed (we have a cute bassinet already...for use those first weeks...something we can keep in our room), and the other time I can think that we would need one is when we visit family.  But both our parents have cribs at their house and we'd be the only ones needing to use them...so we won't need one for that either.  But here comes the sticky question...um, not sure how to word this one.   So, say I wanna take a shower or use the bathroom or prep dinner and my super active crawler baby is awake and I need someplace to um, contain them...would I want a playpen for that?  And I'm guessing that the models with attached bassinets (keeping in mind our living situation) would be a waste of money, right?  I like The Joovy Room2 cause it's big...so it would be useful as our child grows. 

Ok, so to recap:
1 - Do I need a tub?
2 - G Diapers...used them?
3 - Playpen...yes or no?


(Also - just to divert any questions and squelch curiosity we are not matched with a birthmother, we have NO situations on the horizon...we haven't heard so much as a squeak from anyone since our failed adoption.  I just figured while we're waiting we can pick up some things we'll need and start stockpiling diapers)

If you build it, they will come

Back when we first started trying for a baby I began looking online for nursery stuff.  (I blame my OCD)  I got lost in seas of pastel bears and butterflies.  I didn't know what I wanted...until I saw it.  We love animals at our house, and music plays a pretty big role in our lives...so when I saw the John Lennon Musical Parade collection I knew it had to be ours.  Whimsical, almost Suess-like animals mixed with music notes...all scattered over bright, cheery colors.  I'm not sure I would have started buying pieces except in my search I found out the design had been retired and was already getting harder to find.  I scoured ebay over the next two years and found just about every piece of the collection...I even ordered a few pieces from the UK.  When the cute packages would come in the mail I would carefully open them and dream of the day I'd get to wrap a baby in the adorable blankets or use the finger puppets to extract giggles from our sweet little one.  All of my John Lennon treasures made the move with us from Rhode Island to Utah where I got a job at a baby boutique and I took advantage of my heavy employee discount to get a beautiful crib.

I had hoped we'd get to take advantage of our nice 5 bedroom house and make one of the rooms into a beautiful nursery...but we never got that chance.  Forces beyond our control were pulling us to Chicago, so our every growing collection made yet another move.  Last October we officially began our adoption journey (although we've been hoping to adopt for almost two years now) and we started discussing if we should put up the nursery or wait.  One day I was talking to my oh so wise friend Cas and she said something...she said:

If you build it, they will come. 

So, as a present to ourselves for our eighth wedding anniversary we built it.

It is pretty adorable if I do say so myself.  So it is built...we just need the baby (or babies!) to come. 

I am totally buying one of these...

I came across this beauty while perusing through this website. Do you think a social worker would find this item problematic??

Dear Santa,

My wish list is pretty easy this year. I just want one of these:

Thanks,

Holly

Almost

I almost didn't notice what day it was...almost. I was on facebook leaving happy birthday messages for a couple people and I glanced at the date...October 9th. Funny thing is that I have been typing things this morning with the date on them and have written out the date at least a half a dozen times already - but it wasn't until I coupled it with a birthday that the painful truth surfaced on my conciousness.

Today we should be celebrating our sweet child's second birthday. I should be worrying about balloons and cake. I should be party planning instead of fighting back tears. Two years after that loss we have yet to have a successfull pregnancy. We've lost two more and have had months and months of heartbreaks...each time there is only one line on that test a little bit of our hope is chipped away.

Even if we were not actively trying, we kept hoping that someday our miracle would happen. Full of optimism and hope, we approached our Dr about fertility treatments again. In fact, we just finished three rounds of Clomid - for some reason I thought it might work for us this time....I should have known better. I didn't tell many people about it because I didn't want to get anyone else's hopes up and I didn't want everyone constantly asking if I had ovulated or if it worked. Feeling like a failure is easier if you don't feel like you've also disappointed everyone else around you. So I (and poor Nathan) suffered through hot flashes, mood swings, irratibility, cramps, and dashed hopes for four months...all for naught.

Losing a baby is not easy - and in a way I am glad that of the three, I only remember one due date. I think there is a part of my brain that has shut out the dates and memories of the second and third losses...a defense mechanism, for my heart.

Pencil Trick

For those who know me you know that I am very superstitious.  I don't step on cracks, I don't walk under ladders, if I spill salt I toss some over my shoulder, etc, etc, etc.  

On the fourth we hung out at my parent's place and Shanna was talking about the Pencil Trick...it can apparently tell you how many kids you'll have.  You thread a sewing needle, then stick it in the center of the eraser on a freshly sharpened pencil.  You hold the pencil (by the string in the needle) over a person's wrist.  It will circle, then move horizontally, vertically or diagonally.  Horizontal= boy, vertical= girl and diagonal=twins.  

I was a bit skeptical but we did the test on my mom... it was girl, boy, twin, boy, boy... Then we did my dad, and his said the same thing...so we did everyone else and guess what mine said:

Girl, Girl there was differing opinions on whether they were preceded by a 'twin' marking.    

Have any of you tried this??  Has it been accurate?

Congrats

To my friend Kara who welcomed her long awaited baby daughter Annalee Joy into their home on Tuesday. You should check on over and see her - she's precious.