Unshakable Faith

Found this.  Love it. Had to share.

Peace and panic in Switzerland

Remember the week I spent in Switzerland last summer?  Well the opportunity came up again this year (the Rome Temple is still not completed) and so we made plans to go as a family.  Nathan put in the leave request and it was approved.  I was excited to be able to share this time with him, and with Miles.  Then a few days before we are supposed to leave Nathan gets word that his deployment is being extended a couple days...and will keep him from going.  So now we have a choice to make.  Do Miles and I still go or do I go and leave Miles here with friends for the one night until Nathan gets home?  After much debate we decide that I should still go...and go alone.  The trip is non-refundable so someone should definitely go yet me in all my morning sickness glory trying to wrangle a very active two-year old who just learned the word NO all while sharing a twin size bed with him?  Not. Gonna. Happen.  

So I make the arrangements and start to make my packing lists.  Sunday comes, I drop Miles off, and a friend drops me off at the bus station.  The bus ride up was HORRIBLE.  Seriously...I was in tears and seriously considering getting off in Milan and hopping a train back home.  But I wanted SO BADLY - and needed, really - to go to the Temple.   So I prayed to God..."Dear God, I want to go spend this week at the Temple.  Please help me to make it through this bus ride."  The bus didn't leave our area until 8pm and we were stopping every two hours...the whole way up.  My smashed-by-fetus bladder was very grateful for the frequent stops, but herding 80 Italians through a rest stop every two hours was trying on the group leader's patience.  I was also sharing a row with someone, and sitting behind a GIANT man.  Seriously...think offensive lineman.  When his seat was reclined it came a hand width's distance of my face (put your hand in front of your face, perpendicular...notice where your pinky is? Ya, that's where the chair was.)  We didn't get to Bern until 1pm the following day.  By then my feet were swollen, I hurt everywhere, and I was long past queasy.  As soon as I got the key to my room in the hostel I went in and took a nap.  It was heavenly!  

The following morning I was able to attend the Temple.  I was overcome by the Spirit more than once...moved to tears.  It's such a wonderful place to be and I had missed it so much.  (The Swiss Temple is our closest Temple...until Rome is done)   Over the next couple days I was able to go each morning and each afternoon - which was WAY more than last year.  I soaked in the Spirit of the Temple as much as I could.  

In the evenings, after the Temple would close, I would feel lonely.  I was on the trip by myself, with a bus full of Italians.  There were a handful of Americans but they were all with people.  There were a couple times I was so frustrated.  I was so sick, and so tired, and I was hungry but didn't want to fight the crowd in the kitchen of the hostel to make something.  That's when something happened...twice...that made me remember that God knows me and knows when I am happy and when I am sad.  President Romano (our branch president...kind of like our pastor) came outside, saw me on the bench and told me in Italian that there was a plate for me at their table.  He is so in touch with the Spirit...he felt the whisperings to seek me out.  He is a man of God and for that I am so grateful.  The Italians from our branch welcomed me into their "family" (it was a hubby and wife, a few older ladies, and a couple older guys) for two meals.  Both on evenings where I was on the brink of frustrated, lonely tears.  God is good ladies and gents.  No heartache is too small for Him.  

Thursday morning I had just finished my session in the Temple...I didn't feel good.  I was crampy and just felt off.  Then I went to the bathroom and discovered I was bleeding.  My heart dropped to the floor.  I quickly left the Temple, hurried to the hostel hiding my worried, panicked tears...hoping that our room was empty.  It wasn't.  I crawled into my tiny twin bunk and willed the others to leave.  They did.  I texted Nathan.  Over the next 30 mins we played text-phone tag. He called the OB clinic and played middle man for news.  I was advised to lay still, relax, and see what happened.  If the cramping and bleeding didn't stop in one hour I was to seek medical care.  I was terrified.  I speak German...but not THAT German.  And where was the closest medical facility?  And how would I pay?  And what would happen if - God forbid - I was miscarrying.  The thought of suffering a miscarriage in a shared hostel room or on a 16 hour bus-ride home added another layer of worry to my already troubled heart.  I prayed.  SO HARD.  I begged God to spare my baby.  But I acknowledged His will and asked that if I was going to lose the baby that it would wait long enough for me to be home.  That was a hard prayer.  But I learned years ago that submitting my will to His was much easier than trying to bend His will to mine.  I prayed for comfort, and peace...and following the prayer I was able to sleep for an hour.  When I woke I went to check for blood and found no new.  And my cramps were gone.  Tears of gratitude fell on my cheeks.  I let Nathan know the developments, and then prayed some more.  Later that evening I asked one of the men on the trip for a Priesthood Blessing.  The Spirit that flowed through the blessing brought me comfort.  The words that were spoken are sacred and precious to me. 

The following day we packed up the hostel and loaded the bus.  I was adament that I needed two seats for the journey home.  I succeeded and did my best to wedge my body in positions of comfort.  It wasn't perfect but it was SO MUCH better than the bus ride up had been.  I arrived home to the loving arms of a worried husband and an excited two year old.  

I learned something in Switzerland.  Well, I guess I can't say learned because it was something I already knew.  I guess I should say I was reminded of something.  God will provide...you just have to ask.   That doesn't mean He'll always provide what you ask for...rather, He will provide what you need.  

I needed patience, and I got it.

I needed love, and I got it.

I needed healing, and I got it.

I needed peace, and I got it. 

.one year.

One year ago this happened: 

I still feel as lucky and blessed today as I did then.

I love our little eternal family of three.

In der Schweiz

While Nathan was in Scotland, Miles and I went on a trip to Switzerland with a group of people from our church.  Our closest Temple is in Bern, Switzerland and our district rents a bus once a year and makes the trip.  I debated on and off about going...knowing that I'd be bringing Miles (I think he's too young to be left with someone else for a whole week) and for me to be able to go in the Temple someone else would have to stay out and watch him.  I hate feeling like a burden.  But a few of the women at church told me they'd help with him...and I decided that Nathan shouldn't get to have all the fun away from home.  So I packed up our entire house (because lets face it...traveling with kids requires your whole house...plus I'm still on my Isagenix diet so I had to haul all that stuff too!), downloaded apps and movies on the iPad, got a cat sitter and went!

It was so much fun...except for the heat.  It was a wicked hot summer in Naples and I was watching my weather app for Bern and looking forward to the upper 70's temps.  But a week before we left the forecast changed and it was just as hot as Naples...we must have brought the hot, humid weather with us from Italy!!  

We left Naples at 7pm on Sunday, August 19th.  The bus ride went ok...way better than I expected.  Miles didn't fuss much, and he seemed to enjoy being on the bus.  The first night he stayed awake until 11pm.  The only frustrating thing was the bus would stop every 2-3 hours and they would turn on all the lights and everyone would pile off...and be LOUD.  It was making me CRAZY.  Finally I told them all to "shush! baby is sleeping!" (in Italian...go me) and they were quieter.  

11pm on the bus ride up...still wide awake.  Silly kid.

On the way up we passed Lake Como...I thought about hopping off the bus and trying to find George Clooney's house.  Then I remembered he sold it to Tom Cruise...and I wasn't in the mood to deal with that brand of crazy. 

Lake Como, Italy.

Miles was loved by everyone...as always.  I swear, living in Italy is going to give this kid a huge ego. 

Miles being adored by his new Italian friends

The church runs a hostel just next to the Temple, which is so nice.  It was clean and basic...but that's really all you need anyway! 

The hostel at the Temple

We arrived at the Temple Hostel at around noon on Monday, got checked in, settled and then headed out to find a grocery store.  I didn't NEED anything...but I wanted to check out the chocolate situation.  I was not disappointed.  :)
  

The ROW of chocolate at the grocery store. 

The first night we were there we had a devotional on the steps of the Temple.  It was definitely good practice for my Italian...there were only 6 English speakers in this whole group.

The Bern, Switzerland LDS Temple...pic by yours truly...beauty, eh?

Behind the Temple was a beautiful forest with walking paths.  Since I was only able to go to the Temple once in the mornings (which I was more than happy with...I was happy to be able to go at all!) I had a lot of time to explore.  Miles and I took quite a few walks in that forest.  

Feet in the forest in Bern, Switzerland

Enjoying a strupwafel...the YUMMIEST cookies.  Two soft waffle cookies with butter caramel filling in the middle. mmmmmmm

OK mom...no more pictures

One evening the English speakers and two Italians went in search of some yummy Swiss food...we found it.  I had THE. YUMMIEST. steak.  It was probably super yummy to me because I'd been on my diet for six weeks and this was the first 'cheat' meal I'd eaten.  But man alive, that was one yummy steak!

On the walk back to the hostel from the restaurant I snapped this gem...

A Mormon Christmas Tree  lol

Me and Miles in front of the Swiss Temple

That night we played UNO with some of the Italians from Naples.  Trying to teach a game to people who speak another language is tough...and VERY good practice!  I think my language skills doubled on this trip.

Playing UNO

Miles also had his first sucker in Switzerland (thank you to whichever friend suggested suckers to me...he LOVES them and they keep him occupied!!)

Sticky sucker face.

My last full day in Switzerland (Thursday), Jolene and I decided to head into Bern and do some sight seeing.  Bern is adorable...and so clean!!  It is this quaint, little picturesque town in the Swiss Alps...nestled in the crook of a river.  It's like something out of a storybook.  

While in Bern I took the opportunity to eat some not-Italian food...SUSHI!!!!

yummy sushi lunch

The architecture in Bern is very interesting.  All the sidewalks are covered (like pic below).  Einstein commented that the people of Bern had figured it out...you could walk the whole city in pouring rain and not get wet.  It sure made for cool pics. 
 

Speaking of Einstein...we saw the house where he lived when he lived in Bern.  He lived there while working on his Theory of Relativity.  

The house where Albert Einstein lived. 

Bern is named for the bear.  It was the first animal killed by the city's founder.  Nowadays the bears are conveniently kept in a fenced in park at the edge of the city. 

The Bear Park on the river in Bern.  The poor bears were all sleeping in the shade...it was HOT!

At the Bear Park

I thought he'd like this carousel more than he did...I think he was probably just VERY tired.

This fountain wins the award for CREEPIEST THING EVER.  It is a man eating a baby with a bag full of other babies slung from his shoulder, presumably to be eaten as well. 

Baby Eater Fountain

Being a world traveler really takes it out of you!

Friday I had the opportunity to go to the Temple one last time before the bus left for the long ride back home.   As we were waiting to board the bus, Miles was snacking on some sweet chili Quaker Rice snacks...which he LOVES (he loves all things spicy) and the Italians couldn't believe a baby was feeding himself spicy things.

The Italians got the biggest kick out of Miles eating spicy chips.

Our bus full of crazy Italians, a few crazy Americans, and one crazy Ghanian

It was a WONDERFUL experience and I am SO glad I went.  I can't wait to go again next year...hopefully Nathan can go with me! 

Looking back: 2011

I did this last year...it helps hold me accountable for the goals I've set for myself.  A lot changed for us in 2011.  Some of our highest highs and definitely our lowest lows.  So although I didn't do everything I resolved to do I am happy with the path my life is on...and the things we accomplished that were not on my list. 

Let's remind us what I wanted to change: 

Be better with birthdays
Lose weight
Read in the scriptures everyday
Find a new job
Do one random act of kindness for a stranger, once a month

And now for the Report Card: 

C: Be better with birthdays - Still not as good as I want to do...I am hoping that this new organization/planning idea I found in Pinterest will help me.  I love it when other people remember my birthday and I would love to be better at doing that for others.  

D: Lose weight  - Fail.  100%.  The truth is, losing weight is hard for me (damn PCOS).  We made some pretty big changes this year to our lifestyle  - we got (and used!) a gym membership (until we got Miles) cut out Diet Coke (seriously...and I'm still alive.  Amazing, yes?)...even after we got Miles I exercised (walking everyday with him) but still no weight loss.  It's frustrating to put in the effort in diet and exercise and see NO results.  I am going to have to learn to just be happy with the number on the tags in my clothes...and focus instead on staying healthy.  

C: Read in the scriptures everyday - I go through streaks where I will do awesome...and then not so awesome.  Once Miles came along we started reading to him from the children's versions of the scriptures every night...so that's a start. 

A+: Find a new job - I did.  I quit my horrible job in February and then in May I got hired by the best. boss. ever.  I don't even mind it when he throws up on me...that's how awesome he is.

B: Do one random act of kindness for a stranger, once a month - I missed a couple months...but then other months I did more than one.  I liked searching for opportunities for random kindness, especially when I was having a bad day.  Nothing like anonymous service to lift the spirits.  

{eternal}

(this post will be heavy on LDS jargon...if you're confused go HERE for some explanations...or email me!)

The day we mailed our adoption application I could never have hoped that exactly two years later I'd be dressed in white, surrounded by loved ones, kneeling across the altar from my sweetheart, having our sweet baby sealed to us for all eternity. 

Saturday October 22nd, our family was made eternal.  It was such a {sweet} experience.  When you discover you will not be able to give birth (don't ever say 'have your own children' it's mean...Miles IS my own) you have to mourn several things.   There are wonderful events we will never get to experience because of our infertility.  BUT there is one thing that we get to experience that others don't...a Temple Sealing.  We get to dress in white as a family, be surrounded by those who love us, and kneel across the alter from each other while we are sealed together FOREVER.   The Temple President was the one who sealed us...which is super cool.  He and his wife adopted children so they understood what it was like to be in our shoes.  Plus we had developed a pretty good relationship with them when we worked in the Temple.  Miles was an angel during the sealing.  He was so alert and attentive, it was as if he knew EXACTLY what was happening.  It's easy to understand when you think that he was just recently in God's presence...he's much closer to the Spirit than us adults. 

Photo by me.  :)

The weather was BEAUTIFUL that day.  Clear, blue sky and it wasn't freezing!  We had many people travel from near and far to be with us on that special day, and it meant the world to us. Here is a photo of most of them...a few snuck away before we could take the picture. 

Photo by Bryn Stucki

The following day Nathan got to realize a dream when he took Miles in his arms and gave him a blessing.  That was something he had longed to do for many, many years.  In fact I think there were moments he wondered if he'd ever get to give a child a blessing.  The blessing was tender...he blessed Miles to be kind, which is something both of us feel strongly is important.  His voice trembled and tears were shed - by more than one eye.  And once again, Miles was an angel.  One of the men at church who stood in the circle told me that when the blessing was finished, Miles looked up and around the circle of men who held him...taking time to look at each face.  Again, I think he recognized the importance of what was happening.  He's a special little guy. 

Photo by me.  :)

Last minute vaycay

A few weeks ago we had a very powerful, albeit short, storm that knocked out power to 900,000 people in the Chicagoland area.  We were one of the unlucky 900,000 and after a day of hot temps and still no AC we decided to get the heck outta dodge.  We had always wanted to see the Nauvoo Pageant but had never been able to go...Nathan's July schedule is crazy busy.  And this year was no different...he worked something like 23 days straight, which is nuts.  Super, crazy, leave
-your-wife-at-home-with-the-new-baby-but-come-home-still-to-dirty-laundry-and-dishes nuts.  (I am not complaining...just stating an observation...it could be much harder...he could be deployed like his brother)  But his boss was great and compensated the guys for their hard work and gave them three days off...and they just happened to be the Tue-Thu that our power was off so the timing was perfect!
We packed our stuff, said good-bye to Winnie (we left our battery operated camping fans running for him...he was laying in front of them when we left), threw out the stuff we knew was bad from the freezer and hit the road. 
We were SO lucky with the weather.  Nauvoo is normally hot and muggy...like SERIOUSLY muggy.  But the massive storms that had just passed through (the same storms that had knocked our power out) left a few pleasant days in their wake.  We enjoyed every minute of our time there.  We saw the pageant, toured the town, basked in the beauty of the Temple, felt the spirit at Carthage, ate yummy fudge and caramel and chatted 11 hours in the car.  It was just what we needed.  It was a perfect first family vacation. 

Perfect Little Prophetic Epistle

Over the weekend Nathan and I made it a priority to listen to General Conference.  For those not familiar, the LDS Church holds a General Conference twice a year.  In both April & October a set of five 2-hour sessions are held where we are counseled by church leaders.  The Conference is held in Salt Lake City, Utah and broadcast all over the world, in many languages.  In the closing session on Sunday afternoon Elder Jeffrey R. Holland spoke about the Conference itself.  He said that if you listen with the Spirit, you will receive your own "Perfect Little Prophetic Epistle."  In other words, something the Lord meant for you to hear, that He knew you needed.  I'll have to admit that in other conferences I haven't always paid close attention and so many times I haven't come away with my own PLPE.  But this time my heart was very open, in large part to what's been going on in our lives as of late.  So Sunday morning when Elder Paul V. Johnson spoke (you can watch it HERE) I was ready to hear what {I needed} to hear.  He spoke about trials, which is not a new topic; but there was just something about his words that pricked my heart strings.  He spoke about the Crimson Trail in Logan Canyon, a difficult trail that Nathan and I have climbed before; and maybe that is part of why I connected so much with him as he spoke.  He mentions that the trail is difficult, but the hardest part is the last little piece.  I can vouch for that...it is steep and you can't see anything that suggests the effort is going to be worth it.  Elder Johnson said "The views of the canyon are hidden by the cliffs themselves".  There was a part of me on that hike that wanted to turn back...convinced we'd seen enough and couldn't possibly go any further.   It is difficult to see the big picture when you're stuck in the middle of something...especially if that something is difficult.  Elder Johnson agrees:

"In the midst of problems it's nearly impossible to see that the coming blessings far outweigh the pain, humiliation or heartbreak we may be currently experiencing."

But if you press on, just past that tough stretch the panoramic views of the canyon are spectacular...well worth the effort.  Elder Johnson then said:

"A pattern in the scriptures and in life shows that many times the darkest, most dangerous tests immediately precede remarkable events & tremendous growth."

I feel like in our lives, and more specifically in our adoption journey, that we are facing a horrible, painful, exhausting stretch.  Many times over the last few months, and especially the last week I have wanted to give up.  I felt convinced that we'd seen enough and couldn't possibly go any further.  So as I sat, listening to the words spill out of Elder Johnson's mouth I felt comfort.  I hold on to the hope that our remarkable events are not far away.  Yesterday was hard again; and I found myself wanting to give in to the crushing hopelessness I felt.  I prayed for strength as I fell asleep last night on a tear stained pillow, and I woke today to sunshine streaming through my window and feelings of comfort in my soul.

I want to leave you with my Perfect Little Prophetic Epistle...which you can hear for yourself if you want.  It's at about the five minute mark in this video.  The trick for me is remembering this while in the depths of despair...and I'm working on that.

"Time after time we see marvelous blessings on the heel of great trials."

Our Friday Nights...

...will now be spent here:

Saturday Nathan and I were called to be temple workers for our church.  (In case you don't know what the heck I'm talking about, you can find out a little more about temples HERE).  I have to admit, when we got the call asking us to go in to meet with the temple president I suspected that's what we'd be asked to do...but when we were officially asked I was still surprised.  It will be a great way to spend our Friday evenings...a good way to close the week and get re-centered.  (Plus two of our good friends here are also temple workers on Friday nights)  But it is a little bittersweet.  You see...only couples without children in the home are allowed to serve as temple workers.  So while we're excited for the opportunity, we are sad that we're able to have the opportunity.  Does that make sense? 
But with that said, this is obviously where we're supposed to be for now, so I am working hard on being patient and being glad for the opportunity we get to spend more time in such a wonderful place.  

Freefall

This weekend was an {{exhausting}} one.  Emotionally, physically and mentally.   Our congregation at church recently split.  And in the new congregation Nathan and I were both asked to serve in positions of responsibility.  He is the president of the men's organization and I am in the presidency for the children's organization.  We've both been busy getting all our respective duties done and I've felt very overwhelmed.  Sunday was my first Sunday teaching the kids...and it had kept me up late and I was worried sick (kids in numbers can be quite frightening!).  The whole night and early morning as I was preparing I told myself that after church I could come home and take a nap.  It was what I was living for.
Sunday meetings came, and everything went well...the kids were great.  Then after church the missionaries needed a ride somewhere...and also needed dinner.  We brought them home, I threw together a meal (which was tricky since I haven't been grocery shopping in a while) and we gave them a ride to their appointment.  As I was cleaning up the meal I was looking forward, again, to a quick nap before I had to head to work when I got a call from Nathan's cousin.  She had a friend who had an adoption connection and there was a baby that had been born and needed a family.  Several calls were made over the next few hours and we found out the details.

A sweet baby girl had been born premature and the family that had been matched with her had backed out.  She seemed to be doing well and once we overcame the initial shock, we started researching preemies and were trying to line up finances (the fee was WAY ouchy and the situation also involved us living in another state for 2 months until she was released from the NICU).  The more we thought about it the more excited we got.  I was just about to call the agency worker when she called me with bad news.  The adoption wasn't going to happen.  The birthmother had placed a baby a few years earlier and she had called the family this afternoon to see if they wanted this sweet baby girl.  They did.

I'm happy for this sweet baby girl.  She'll be with a family who will love her and she'll also have the benefit of growing up with a biological sibling.

But my heart hurts.  In the last 24 hours my hopes were inflated again...and now they're dashed.  Again.  Adoption is such an emotional roller coaster.  Last night I didn't sleep...the clickety clack of the ride going upwards had me worried and nervous and excited.  Tonight as I crested the hill and began the emotional freefall I wonder how many more I can make it though.

Penny for your thoughts

I was finally able to connect with our caseworker today...I wanted to get an update on our quest for the second signature.  The other guy (sure wish I knew his name so I could stop referring to him as 'the other guy') signed our stuff and our caseworker sent it off to the state last week.  They will run our background checks and then send it back.  So it is moving...slower than I'd like...but moving nonetheless.  We would really like to apply for this adoption grant, and the application deadline is April 16th.  If you want to pray for speediness on the part of the state, that would be awesome.

Oh, and if you have a few extra prayers, some of my friends could really use some right now.

Lori's hubby is having complications from his cancer-eradicating surgery...and Sara has one sick little girl.   Both are in the hospital...send them some love. 

~:~

Nathan and I spoke in church on Sunday.  It has been a WAY long time since we had to do that.  I was nervous as all get out.  We've had a bumpy road over the last few years as far as church is concerned, but things are starting to smooth out.  We both spoke on the Atonement...we've known we were going to be speaking for about a month.  It was nice to have thoughts of Easter/Christ/Atonement in the back of my mind for that time.  I was amazed after we gave our talks how many people came up to introduce themselves to us.  I'm hoping this will be a good segway into meeting and becoming friends with more people at church.  It can make all the difference...that is one of the reasons Newport was so great for us - we had an AWESOME church family.

~:~

I was blog-hopping the other day and I came across a blog with a woman in a similar position as myself.  She is a hopeful mother (doing infertility treatments and pursuing adoption), pet-mommy, and stay at home...er, well...nothing.  That's what she called herself.  A stay at home nothing.  I immediately sympathized.  I stay at home...because of lack of employment...and although I am a mommy to Winston and Besta, they could really care less if I'm here or not.  I would like to be working, but I have not been successful in finding employment.  I have found myself getting bummed and depressed...until I read her post.  She listed off things she is thankful for that are a direct result of her being a stay at home nothing.  So I looked around today and noticed some things I am thankful for too.  Like having dishes always done, and laundry always washed and pets fed and cuddled and time to finish craft projects and read and blog and daydream about the future.  I am going to try and keep a more positive attitude about my current stay at home situation.  Some day I won't be so lucky to have as much free time.  (Although if the reason was because I had babies around, I'd gladly change my free time for poopy diapers and spit-up)

~:~

We have some pigeons who have decided that the space under our BBQ grill is perfect for a nest.  We've dissembled it once, but they keep coming back.  Winston and Besta aren't complaining...they love all the bird watching they get to do.  

I love my fur kids and I'm happy they get to bird watch...but pigeons are super unsanitary.  Not sure I want them nesting under my BBQ.  Anyone know of ways to encourage them to find another place to nest?

Insert foot in mouth

The only conversation I had with anybody at church on Sunday:


Woman: "How many months?" (gesturing at my stomach)
Me: "Oh, I'm not pregnant."
Woman: "Well you look like it."
Me: stunned silence
Woman: "Well, get on it!"
Me: "I can't have children."
Woman: "My friend couldn' have babies. She had four, five of 'em and they just kep' dyin'"
Me: "Oh, that would have been tough. We've lost three."
Woman: "Yep, she just kep' havin' 'em and havin' 'em and they kept dyin'" (this was said very quickly as she retreated away)

Expectations

I posted this on the other blog I write for, but I thought I would post it here too.

We went to church for the first time in our new ward today...it also happened to be the first time I willingly went in almost 2 years (long story...see my other posts). We decided we wanted to get active again and the 1500 mile move provided us an excellent opportunity to start fresh. We didn't get a chance to 'ward shop' because we had a VERY limited time to find a place to live, so what we get is what we get.

Our experience there today was a little less than we had hoped for/expected and naturally we talked it over on the 25 minute drive home. We discussed all sides of the issue and could not decide on where we stood, so I thought I would see what you all thought. (Because I have some pretty insightful friends our there)

When there is a new member to a ward (no matter if they are a recently baptized convert, a family who just moved in, a newlywed couple moving from the student ward to the family ward, etc) what expectations are ok and where is the line drawn? I know it would be too much to expect a host of angels to meet us at the door or for valet parking or for a seven-course meal to be served after the block. But with all joking aside...what can one expect? Both as the new person and as the ward?

Resolutions

I found an envelope this week that had 'Holly: Open Dec 31, 2008' on it.  Once I saw it I remembered writing the letter contained in it.  It was a letter to myself that I had writted in January of 2008.  I hadn't set official 'resolutions' but I had a couple things I wanted to have accomplished by the year's end.  Most I didn't do...in fact, I mended the rocky relationship with my SIL and that was it.  At first when I read the letter I felt bummed...like I had failed myself.  But then I thought of all the things I DID do this year:

I worked two jobs for nine months to put Nathan through school.  

I played the piano and flute again at Nathan's recital. 

I read a new book every month.  

I went to a city I had never been to (Seattle).  

I dealt with the grief of accepting infertility.

I got more excited about adoption. 

I started honing my photog skills. 

So I may not have run a marathon or lost the weight or gotten pregnant...but I did do some things.  I thought a lot about whether or not I should set some resolutions for 2009.  On the one hand, if you set them and your goals are not accomplished you experience failure...BUT if you don't set the goals, you might just be complacent with the current version of you...never wanting to get better.  So I decided to do it.  I have really thought about them the last few days.  I thought long and hard about the type of person I want to be and the type of life I want to lead and I based my resolutions on that.   So here it goes.  

In 2009 I want to:

-Do something nice for someone everyday

-Read a new book each month (you can join me here)

-Take a photography class

-Do everything we need to do to get our end of adoption all set up

-Go back to church

-Read the BOM & DnC again by year end

-Learn at least one solo/concerto on piano 

-Learn at least one solo/concerto on flute

-Do 100 scrapbook pages

-Be better at remembering everyone's birthdays

-Do one thing a month that scares me

-Be more grateful

I am going to do a check-in post once a month as a way to hold myself accountable and hopefully help me realize my goals.  Wish me luck!

Brother Snoop Dogg?

Um, so, I can across this little gem of an article and I have to say I am a bit skeptical... this has to be some sort of an April Fools' joke, right?? Notice the date of the article.

Sad News

Despite all the problems and frustrations I have with the church here, I always held President Hinckley in such high regard.  I never questioned his sincerity or his testimony and I was so saddened to just hear the news of his passing.  He was an excellent leader and whenever I heard him speak it always made me want to be a better person.  Kinder to strangers - more caring for those in need - more Christlike...

The weird thing is I had a feeling and then a dream about three or four days ago that he died... isn't that weird?  That has happened to me before where I will think of someone out of the blue, and think that they died - and then they do, in fact, pass on.  There was a woman in our old congregation in RI who had cancer...I was driving home from work one day and she popped into my head and I couldn't shake the feeling that she had died, and then I got an e-mail the next day that she had passed.    

try, try again

We tried church again today - we made it only the first hour though...between my allergies (nasty, stupid pollen) and all the TALKING going on I just couldn't take anymore.

Now I know we don't have kids and so we are not experts on how to keep your kids behaved during church...but we have been to church with neices and nephews MANY times and seen MANY other parents with kids and have noticed a lot (afterall we weren't distracted by children, since we still don't have any). I remember our neices/nephews having little books to read and snacks and such...but they were (for the most part) generally well-behaved during church...now I know that you can't expect a small child to sit through over an hour of an adult meeting sitting perfectly still unless you have administered a tranquilizer before hand...and I know really young ones are tough...they are still learning the difference between indoor and outdoor voices and the have so much energy - those I understand... but having an all out battle with Lord of the Rings action figures or Soap Opera scale barbie happenings in the middle of the sacrament?!? Maybe, (and once again I am just speculating because of our lack of sacrament meeting parenting skills) just maybe those type of toys should be left at home...

I think parents should be able to teach their kids the importance and reverence of prayer...to sit quietly, fold their arms and NOT YELL during the appx 1.5min prayer....I remember Nathan's sister and hubby teaching their daughter to pray when she was LITTLE...like less than one year old! Now I know that kids that little don't understand all that is going on - but they learn quick and if they learn that this is important and special, they will cooperate most of the time...and then once they are older they will repect prayers because it is what they were ALWAYS taught to do...



I really tried today to go with an open mind, because I WANT to love going to church again...I miss looking forward to church, I did in Newport (for the most part - there were those days though...and the occasional psycho person, but overall...) If it is going to be like this I think I am going to pull my hair out ( and maybe strangle some parent who is participating in the Lord of the Rings battle or Barbie soap opera...)

Help me out here, those of you who have kids...is it really that hard to keep kids quiet during church meetings? Have any of you had experiences with noisy meetings? What did you do to not get distracted?



(Please don't think I am trying to be overtly rude...I AM NOT...and if it comes off that way I am sorry) :)

ALERT THE PRESS!!!

We went to church today....and (at least by 10:40PM) Hell hasn't frozen over! hehehe

We spent yesterday at Bear Lake - one of my favorite places on earth - with my brother who just got married, his wife and baby, her sister and hubby and my other brother... We had SUCH a good time and Blaine (the baby) should be a fish, he was so stinkin cute playing in the water (which was FREEZING) and the sand.

After we left the lake they all came over to our place and we hung out in the gazebo and roasted marshmallows...I did pretty good in the burn department...only a bit pink on my legs and feet...my brother and poor Blaine got toasted.

But I got up this morning, well more like afternoon because it was around 12:15 when I joined the world of the living...and I thought about going to church, so we went and it was, well, honestly?? I didn't have that nice of a time...I tried with all my might to stay positive, but it just sucked too much. We'll have to try again in a week and see if it is better. I just hate the hypocrisy of people - the ones who spew religious sermons from their mouths and yet their daily actions are far from Christ-like... (not that I am perfect...far from it, mind you) People who think they are better than others JUST because of the church they go to on Sunday, THAT makes me nuts.

Anyway, enough of the vent...so we did get to see a couple that we hadn't seen since like Halloween....they adopted a little girl just a year ago (in fact she turned one this last week) and she is adorable and she sat on my lap for a bit and when I got home tonight Ann (the mommy) had sent me the links for some adoption agencies...there were 4 or 5 and I went through all of them and when I opened the link for the last one my heart started beating faster and my palms and feet got all sweaty and I got this anxious feeling in the middle of my tummy...all nervous/excited...

You know, I want a new car...I mean I really WANT a new car - and not just any car - a convertible...a Ford Mustang, Audi TT, or 325i BMW but I would take a baby over a new car in a heartbeat.

an unnoticed absence

I was reading CNN today and saw THIS story...and it made me wonder...Could I go unnoticed for 18 months? I know Nathan would notice by absence in less than 24 hours...my family in a few days...

But the way we've been treated by our neighbors and people at church I honestly believe we could go 18 months without being noticed...afterall, we're up to almost 10 now. :(

tricky question...

I hate church...not religion or God...but church...

I have not always hated church...I LOVED it in RI, but things are so different here - and people seem so superficial and fake...I get NOTHING from attending and actually feel worse after than I did before the service...I know a lot of it has to do with all the pregnant women and babies around us, but I think that people here take it all for granted and suck at the whole 'being Christlike' thing...

So the tricky question is: Do you put a smile on your face, suck it up and go because it's what you're "supposed to do" or do you not go at all and become inactive...and can you still have a stalwart testimony of Christ and not attend church??

(Sorry I guess that is three questions)