Sad face

I wake up everyday and put one foot in front of the other...and every day it seems to get easier. 

Then there are days like today.  Days that seem to start ok and then come up from behind and bite you in the ass.  Days that even outlet shopping and Diet Coke and chocolate and kitty snuggles can't fix.  

(This isn't our kitty...but I wish he was...isn't he beautiful?  Winnie would love him)

Cruel

Laying in bed in the darkness the phone ringing wakes me from my slumber.  I stumble in the darkness, wondering who could possibly be calling at this hour.  The words on the other side come quickly..."babies born...I've made a mistake...all consents have been signed...hurry."  I quickly wake Nathan and we pack in a fury.  We set out in the darkness, full of excitement.  All the pain of the previous week melts away.  With each state border we cross our anticipation grows.  We make the 23 hour drive to my parent's place in Utah with no overnight stops.  We sleep for a few hours, drop off the dog, gas up the car and we're off again.  Eleven hours later we're at the hospital in California.  We see our babies for the first time through the glass.  The nurses realize who we are and let us back to hold them.  Tears are shed, prayers are said.  Later in the day they are released and we make our way back to our hotel.  Their cries do nothing to deflate our swollen hearts.  Sometime in the darkness of night, when both the babies are fed, changed and asleep we drift to sleep as well.  This morning when I see the first morning light creep in the room I am confused.  "Where am I?"  as the room comes into focus I realize I am not in a hotel in California.  I am in my bed.  In my apartment.  In Chicago.  The tears sting as I realize we are alone in our apartment.  There are no babies.  There was no phone call, no 23 hour drive, no hospital.  I feel my heart sink lower in my chest and I feel powerless against the oppressive darkness I know is coming.

sigh

It is amazing. We spent the last three summers outside the Navy and yet over the last couple weeks I have felt like we never left. Summer is coming into full swing and that means I become a weekend widow. The Navy Band is a great gig...but it often means leaving family behind. I feel lucky because the longest Nathan has ever been away is 6 weeks. I don't think I could handle deployments that go on for months and months - you military wives out there who have done it, you are amazing! Nathan was on tour with the rock band this last week, so I was left to mind the fur kids all by my lonesome. I tried to keep myself busy by crafting (as you can tell from my last few posts) but in the still hours of the night I couldn't help but feel crushing loneliness.

I think it would help if I had a job, but I have not had much success there. I send off at least a couple resumes EVERY day. If I was gone all day having interactions with other humans then the few hours alone at home in the evening would be a welcome change.

Some friends would help too. I have made one friend, but I don't want to suffocate her so I don't call as much as I would like. I have met some of the other band wives but they all live up at the base (a good 45 minutes away) ...and you know how it goes, outa sight, outa mind. I can't blame them for not thinking of me...cause we've only met once or twice and I live so far away from them. They are not too hip on coming down my way because of the parking. :( Church hasn't produced friends either, hopefully someday...but none as of yet.

I think if we had children it would help because there would be someone else within the walls of our apartment that would NEED me. I would have a reason to get out of bed in the morning. The fur babies help...and having Besta is good because if it weren't for his twice-daily 'bathroom break' I would probably never even leave the apartment.

I am trying to keep busy because I have been doing well keeping my inner demons at bay and I really do not want them to rear their ugly heads again. Re-reading this makes me sound so pathetic. I don't mean to sound ungrateful or onery...I just needed to put my feelings down. Part of me thinks that if I get them down on paper (ok...not paper, but you know what I mean) maybe they'll get out of my head. If only it were that easy.

I think I might have to cry myself to sleep tonight on my HUGE pillow...

For those of you who weren't watching the Super Bowl, it may pain you to learn that my beloved New England Patriots lost to the New York Giants. This is one of the biggest upsets in Super Bowl history and I am sad to have been on the 'upset' part of that upset. I did actually cry...but not until I got in the car to drive home...I didn't want to cry in front of the fam and give them reason to make fun of me. I haven't decided if I am going to wear my Tom Brady jersey to work tomorrow or if I should wear all black.

I do have more to post as this was an eventful weekend for us...anniversary...weekend away...runaway dog...superbowl party...hurt dog... I am headed to bed now but will hopefully get a post up tomorrow with pics and all.

...blue...

So I have to first apologize for not updating sooner...but TRUST ME...you would not have wanted to know what horrible dark thoughts were swimming around in my head. I have been dealing with some deamons off and on for a few years, and they are trying with all their might to surface lately...scary things...scary, dark things...

Also, my little heart is broken, again......I am pretty sure we lost another baby just over a week ago..in fact I would bet my life on it. ...I had a hunch I might have been pregnant...especially after passing out and falling in my closet. But it was not until it 'ended' that I was pretty sure...the way it happened mimicked almost exactly the way the first one went...it would actually explain a lot...I had been extremely tired, moody, my face broke out something terrible and I was a little bit of a Bee-otch to all around me...more so than I EVER get with PMS...I just don't know how much more I can handle...I got an invitation to a baby shower for a friend in the mail and this is the friend who let me find out she was pregnant in a mass e-mail...after a very deep heart-to-heart (or so I thought) about infertility...(it took her like 6 months to get pregnant)...and it is being hosted by the friend that I think is pregnant again...the one who won't return my calls or e-mails...the only real friend I have made here is pregnant too...on their first try. A few in my family are also pregnant or have just had babies...It just seems to be EVERYWHERE, and it makes it hard to do even the simplest of things, like go to church...family gatherings...grocery shop...

Just when I feel like I have the whole thing under control and I can deal with it...something else pops up and kicks me in the stomach...and it is never one at a time...that I could maybe deal with but this 1-2 sucker punch stuff is really knocking the wind - and life - out of me...

...what is the matter with me...

ok, so this week has been pretty good...but today I just can't shake this muddy feeling off...I just feel sad.

One of my friends from High School and I had a talk when we first moved here about how hard it is to try for a baby over and over every month (granted she had only been trying since April...). We talked about the feelings we get towards other women who get pregnant, and she said "I just hope you don't feel that way towards me when I get pregnant..." just assuming that she will get pregnant before me....so I wanted to be pregnant before her...just because of the comment and to show her that one should think before speaking...yet that is not to be...I just got mass e-mail from her announcing her pregnancy...baby due May 31st (just a little over a year from when they started trying...so NOT long a very long wait at all)

I also have a sneeking suspicion that my other friend is pregnant again - with her third...she tends to ignore me for months at a time when she gets pregnant...if and when that suspicion is confirmed, I'll let you know.

I KNOW I should be used to all this by now - especially considering where I live and where I work...but it doesn't ever get any easier. We want children and I think we would be good parents - it is just so unfair. And we have talked about adoption, but right now we would not even qualify - we are not 'financially secure' enough by most agencies' standards...not to mention that we don't have health insurance. So even adoption is out of our reach until Nathan graduates - which won't likely be until May of 2009 (maybe even 10).

It just feels so sad to not have any hope...we have been 'not trying' since we lost the baby more than 9 months ago and still nothing - so HA to all of you who say just stop trying and you'll get pregnant...now you know that ISN'T true...and without adoption, there is no hope for a baby joining our family any time soon... :(

tears from heaven

it's raining...and whenever it rains it reminds me of Newport. I miss it terribly and sometimes I forget I'm here and I am dreaming about Newport and my friends there and eating at my favorite restaurant and my favorite place to park the car and listen to the waves. I miss walking in the sand, and the sounds of the harbor. I miss feeling like I was someone who mattered. Not that everything was perfect there - but I miss it.

I am struggling here. I am in a job(s) I hate, working for $6 an hour. I know I shouldn't complain - at least I have a job. And at least I have a sweet, understanding husband, and am close to family...but that still doesn't take away the pain I feel whenever it rains. I have this image in my mind of my windsheild washers going and driving past Johnny's and seeing a stop sign blur past in the distorted, water covered glass. It is an odd image to have, but for some reason I always think of it when it rains.

I miss Othello. I know he was just a cat, and he has been gone for almost 5 months now, but he was like my child and I was holding him when he died. I can still remember what his body felt like, limp and growing cold. He's buried in Rhode Island, next to his brother, and even though I know HE is not in the ground, I still wish I could go there and touch the soil and be close to the last place I saw him. I feel like I never got to greive for him, he died so suddenly, and right before our move.

I feel so overwhelmed, and I'm losing my grip. I feel as though I'm in a storm drain and the water level is rising higher and higher and I can't get out, and the water won't stop coming...it's getting deeper and deeper, because it's raining.

Week of thunder clouds

So I have known for some time that this week would be a tough one - our baby was due Oct 9th. I have been thinking about it all day and I just can't seem to get the whole thing out of my head. I have been super emotional the last day or so...feeling blue about not having a baby, feeling like I don't belong here - that I don't fit in, feeling just not myself...My therapist had told me (back in RI) that we needed to do something on the due date - something fun that could offer a distraction. The only problem is that I have to work on Monday - from 12-6 and Nathan has school all day...I feel like I am going to need a large dose of Prozac to get through the week...

On a brighter note I found out I got 22 out of 25 on my Economics test - so I have a solid A now...phew...still debating the whole degree thing - I KNOW Liberal Arts would go so much quicker - but Accounting would allow for more jobs once I'm done - BUT I am not really sure I want to be an Accountant anymore - I have kinda thought Marketing, maybe...but who knows, that too could change...

Well I should go to bed - I have to be up early tomorrow.

Lonliness

Well work is going ok...I get to start at the jewelry store on Thursday so that should be fun...otherwise things are slowly moving along...

We went to a baseball game last night with Nathan's best friend and his wife...it was SO fun...His friend is such a heckler....makes fun of everyone and I really think it helps...I swear more than once you could tell he was for sure 'in their heads'...needless to say we laughed pretty hard...so my abs got quite the workout and are a tiny bit sore today.

I am still feeling a bit lonely here, not that I don't know people, I just don't feel like I have a close friend close by (geographically)...I have 3 or 4 that I could call at any time and talk to, but sometimes it just isn't the same, ya know?? One of my super-close friends said there might be a chance she could move closer to me, which would be awesome...but I'm not holding my breath, as it isn't 100% in their control...

Well, Winston is DEMANDING my attention as I have been gone most of the day...so I must go play with the fur baby.

Did I break a mirror or something?!

Is someone out there just playing a cruel joke on me??? Did you wake up this morning and say "I think I'm going to mess with Holly again, it's fun to watch her squirm"...?!??

I didn't hear back from the restaurant owner by this morning so I figured they were busy so I called them just now. The guy wasn't there so I talked to the owner...I had no sooner said my name when he said "We considered someone else for the position, good bye" and hung up...WHAT?!? Considered someone else...they offered ME the job and I took it...I am so confused and hurt right now. I am worried about how we're going to pay our mortgage...we have $12.61 in the bank and we have a $1000 mortgage due in 12 days.

I can barely even control myself as I'm writing this. I don't understand...we're 'supposed' to be here, but I keep hitting brick walls everywhere I turn. I am not in the best emotional state to be dealing with all this right now...I miss my friends from RI, and I miss my kitty Othello who died and I hate that we lost our baby while others (who don't even want children) are having babies. We have no friends here and I am LONELY and DEPRESSED and I don't know how much longer I can take this.

Ghosts in boxes

Ok, so I got ahold of the restaurant guy and told him that if the offer was still good, I would love to take it. He said the owner would call me Monday or Tuesday to arrange a time for me to come in and fill out paperwork, etc, etc... I'm glad to have a job, but I still feel disappointed that I didn't get the lawyer job, like I'm some sort of failure or something. Although having the restaurant job will likely be a blessing once school starts...it will allow me to actually take some classes where the lawyer job would not...I really wanted that job, and the prestige that would come with it.


Depression is a tricky animal...if you have never had anyone close (I mean spouse, best friend, parent...) to you suffer from it, consider yourself lucky. I have been dealing with depression for almost 4 years...I officially have OCD, which in my case triggers depression symptoms...I was seeing a therapist weekly until we moved, and I'm even on meds for it - which I take religiously - but every now and then somethings sneaks up on me that throws me back into a mist of darkness. I know the best thing for me is to get out of the house and go do something, but it is all I can do in the morning to get up before 11 and shower. I know having a job will help but I am scared out of my mind to go back to work...I can't even explain the originations/causes of the feelings but they are there and it is hard for anyone who has never felt them to understand the powerful effect they have on your moods. Just thinking that I might have to go into work tomorrow keeps me so on edge I can't sleep...I know part of that is the OCD, because I have to have complete control of all situations...and a new job will bring new challenges and things totally out of my control. I have Ambien (which is great, by the way) but I don't want to create a habit of having to take drugs to go to sleep.

It is funny...when we decided to get out of the military and move I thought I would be able to leave some of those ghosts in Rhode Island...but somehow they made it into boxes I tried so hard to keep them out of.