Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Freefall

This weekend was an {{exhausting}} one.  Emotionally, physically and mentally.   Our congregation at church recently split.  And in the new congregation Nathan and I were both asked to serve in positions of responsibility.  He is the president of the men's organization and I am in the presidency for the children's organization.  We've both been busy getting all our respective duties done and I've felt very overwhelmed.  Sunday was my first Sunday teaching the kids...and it had kept me up late and I was worried sick (kids in numbers can be quite frightening!).  The whole night and early morning as I was preparing I told myself that after church I could come home and take a nap.  It was what I was living for.
Sunday meetings came, and everything went well...the kids were great.  Then after church the missionaries needed a ride somewhere...and also needed dinner.  We brought them home, I threw together a meal (which was tricky since I haven't been grocery shopping in a while) and we gave them a ride to their appointment.  As I was cleaning up the meal I was looking forward, again, to a quick nap before I had to head to work when I got a call from Nathan's cousin.  She had a friend who had an adoption connection and there was a baby that had been born and needed a family.  Several calls were made over the next few hours and we found out the details.

A sweet baby girl had been born premature and the family that had been matched with her had backed out.  She seemed to be doing well and once we overcame the initial shock, we started researching preemies and were trying to line up finances (the fee was WAY ouchy and the situation also involved us living in another state for 2 months until she was released from the NICU).  The more we thought about it the more excited we got.  I was just about to call the agency worker when she called me with bad news.  The adoption wasn't going to happen.  The birthmother had placed a baby a few years earlier and she had called the family this afternoon to see if they wanted this sweet baby girl.  They did.

I'm happy for this sweet baby girl.  She'll be with a family who will love her and she'll also have the benefit of growing up with a biological sibling.

But my heart hurts.  In the last 24 hours my hopes were inflated again...and now they're dashed.  Again.  Adoption is such an emotional roller coaster.  Last night I didn't sleep...the clickety clack of the ride going upwards had me worried and nervous and excited.  Tonight as I crested the hill and began the emotional freefall I wonder how many more I can make it though.

8 comments:

Kim said...

So sad for you Holly. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Hopefully you will get your sweet baby soon.

Kim said...

btw- I love the way you Halloweened your blog header. So cute.

Lori said...

lame. i'm so sorry holly. ugh. adoption sometimes just really bites. (it's a miracle, yes, yadda yadda...but some days? rickem rackem...)

i'm making caramel apples today. want me to fedex you some?

Sheila said...

Love you guys, still in our prayers.

Abby said...

Holy crap, how many more times will they put you through this hell?? I can't even imagine the pain you're feeling yet again. I'm so sorry. Still praying for you to find that special baby just for you.

Happy Herrons said...

I HATE it!!! You can do it. Just be nice to yourselves this week and therapy with lots of Ben and Jerry.

Shaun and Emily said...

We can sympathize with the busy church stuff. We are in a small branch and it gets crazy. I continue praying for you guys! I'm sorry for your exausting weekend. I can't imagine all the emotions you must be feeling. Your entitled to be emotionally drained! I continue to support your adoption dreams and keep my ears out continually.

The Chicago Bowlers said...

I am so sorry for you and totally understand how you feel. As we were going through our last adoption experience it had a ton of ups and downs and at one point we thought we were out of the running and I told my husband that I didn't think I could keep doing this - it is so hard. But don't give up - it will all be worth it and the perfect child will join your family!!! All the pain will instantly be gone. Keep strong and let me know if you need to talk.