Sunday, August 01, 2010

Little Chalk Numbers

We found out late Thursday night through a phone call that the adoption wasn't going to happen.  At first I didn't understand what he (ours and C's mutual friend...the one who introduced us) was trying to tell me.  It didn't even fully hit me until I hung up, went to bed and told Nathan.  As I heard the words come out of my mouth it was as if I was hearing them for the first time.  I crawled in bed and as the silence of night crept up around me, my heart broke.  I felt the tears begin to well as I lay on my back staring into the darkness.  Images begin to flash across my mind...all the ultrasound pictures we'd been given, the drawers full of tiny matching pink and blue outfits, the quilt I had finished just hours before that we planned on giving C.

Two days later it is still hard to believe.  Tonight I gathered up the quilt I'd made, the twins parenting book and a box of formula samples that had come in the mail and put them in the nursery.  I shut the door, walked out and left all that emotionally heavy stuff behind...at least for now.  I know I will have to deal with all of it, but I just can't.  Not yet.

Nathan is taking this pretty hard.  This is the first time I think he's ever gotten his hopes up.  He went shopping with me to pick out clothes and bottles.  He listened intently as I passed on what I'd read in the twin parenting books.  He was so excited that the closer it got the harder it was for him to keep it a secret.  I can't blame him for getting his hopes up...mine were up too.  Afterall, we'd been planning on this since April.  C visited us in April and we really hit it off.  Nathan and I both felt like this adoption was meant to be...there were just too many little coincidences that we took as divine intervention.  When C told me she was choosing adoption I created a countdown on the chalkboard in our entryway.  The first number was in the 130's and everyday on my way to work I'd erase the number and lower it by one...it only got into the 20's.  I went to leave for work this morning and the sight of that countdown stopped me in my tracks.  I stared tearfully at the chalk numbers that had once held so much hope and excitement.  I debated erasing them, and then decided it was best. 

It was frustrating today to think of the small..and large...ways we changed (or planned to change) our lives in preparation for (and after the arrival of) these two small miracles.  Some of these changes cannot be undone...and some of the changes that were planned but never made will haunt us everyday.  They will stand as painful reminders of what didn't happen.

Through the course of our fertility treatments I had three miscarriages.  Those losses were so painful, but this hurts just as bad.  This time we got to see their sweet faces...we were close enough to the end to think "any day now"...we had even picked out names.


Thank you for all your prayers, I know we would not be getting through this if it weren't for them.  I also know the hurt will lessen and things will work out...eventually.  I just wish I could hibernate until the pain is gone.

14 comments:

Cheryl Lage said...

Oh I am so so sorry. You will absolutely remain in our prayers.

mrs. r said...

sending you lots of love.

Kristin said...

I don't know you, but my heart goes out to you. This is the greatest fear of every adoptive parent. I'm so sorry.

Nicole said...

Just a lurker here, but I just wanted you to know how sorry I am that this happened. Hugs from a stranger who cares.

Sterling Bo said...

Love from Utah. So much.

Angie said...

I'm so incredibly sorry! My heart goes out to you guys..sending lots of prayers and hugs your way.

David and Amy said...

Although I'm a stranger, I wish that I could offer some words of comfort to you. Although I know that the grieving will take time, I just want you to know that you are in my heart and my prayers.

Salmon Tolman Family said...

I look up to you both and the courage that it takes to move beyond this. I've been thinking about you and praying for you and sending my love!

Jennifer said...

I'm so sorry to hear this happened. Although I have never experienced the pain, I watched my sister go through the same thing. It is truly heart breaking. Take time to grieve and you will eventually heal.

Alicia Jane said...

I'm so sorry...we went through the same thing back in November after being there for the birth of who we believed to be our daughter and giving her her first bath and everything. There is nothing I can say that will make the pain go away, just know that lots of people, probably mostly people you don't know, are praying for you.

Katrina said...

Oh, Holly. All I can do is sit here and cry. I'm hurting so bad for you right now. There just aren't adequate words. We're thinking and praying for you.

.:Bree:. said...

Oh Holly! :( I am crying for you. I pray she changes her mind and you do end up with those babies. Oh honey. :( I'm so so so sorry.

Abby said...

I've been sitting here for days, looking at your blog posts every single day, trying to think of something to say that might make you feel better. And I'm afraid there's nothing. I told Jim about what happened and he was speechless. To come so close and have it ripped away just weeks away...there are no words. I can't even begin to imagine the heartbreak. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know that you're in our prayers (still) and that we pray that you will somehow be comforted by the Spirit since we are certainly lacking in that talent right now. We both hope you both feel a little better each day, but more importantly that God keeps you in His sight and brings babies to you soon.

Anonymous said...

Although I can understand your deep disappointment and sorrow, how do you think a Mother feels when she chooses to keep her baby(ies) instead of giving them to someone else. Do you think she would have grieved more or less than a prospective adoptive parent if she had went through with surrendering her child? Do you ever hear of a prospective adoptive parent longing to search for that long "lost" child they were "suppose" to raise?

These are things I often wonder about when I hear of a Mother who had planned on placing her child for adoption then changes her mind.