Cruel

Laying in bed in the darkness the phone ringing wakes me from my slumber.  I stumble in the darkness, wondering who could possibly be calling at this hour.  The words on the other side come quickly..."babies born...I've made a mistake...all consents have been signed...hurry."  I quickly wake Nathan and we pack in a fury.  We set out in the darkness, full of excitement.  All the pain of the previous week melts away.  With each state border we cross our anticipation grows.  We make the 23 hour drive to my parent's place in Utah with no overnight stops.  We sleep for a few hours, drop off the dog, gas up the car and we're off again.  Eleven hours later we're at the hospital in California.  We see our babies for the first time through the glass.  The nurses realize who we are and let us back to hold them.  Tears are shed, prayers are said.  Later in the day they are released and we make our way back to our hotel.  Their cries do nothing to deflate our swollen hearts.  Sometime in the darkness of night, when both the babies are fed, changed and asleep we drift to sleep as well.  This morning when I see the first morning light creep in the room I am confused.  "Where am I?"  as the room comes into focus I realize I am not in a hotel in California.  I am in my bed.  In my apartment.  In Chicago.  The tears sting as I realize we are alone in our apartment.  There are no babies.  There was no phone call, no 23 hour drive, no hospital.  I feel my heart sink lower in my chest and I feel powerless against the oppressive darkness I know is coming.

Horrible Nightmare

I have not had a horrible nightmare in a while - I have had bad dreams, but nothing as terrorizing as last night. It woke me up out of a dead sleep, I was drenched in sweat and I could NOT go back to sleep.

I was at my parents house (it wasn't really their house, but in my dream it was) and they lived high up in the foothills. I was having a party and all the bank geeks (this term is not offensive, I am/was a band geek) from college were there and we decided to cook something outside. For some reason I and a couple other girls had to go up into the woods a bit to get something and when we were up there this baby and mom black bear go walking past, so we hurried and went another way only to run into a HUGE Grizzly bear. We climbed up this weird tree (bad idea in real-life by the way) and did this Tarzan move from tree to tree back down the hill to the house.
We got to the back door and tried to lock it but we couldn't figure out how. Now there were lots of bears chasing us, so we tried to lock it the best we could and we left the house and all the other party guests to go get the police (don't ask me why we didn't just call 911). As we were running away the road turned into this street lamp lined street from Newport. One of the bears got right up behind me, reached for me but then I talked to him and said "You want to pass us up, there are lots more people just down the road" and he growled something like 'excellent' and ran past us but there were still more behind us. We got to an intersection and I ran in front of a car and waved my arms, the first one passed me by but the next lady let me and one of the other girls I was with in her backseat where her two little girls were.
We drove away quickly and we could see the mayhem these bears were creating. They were everywhere, attacking people. We got to the police station, which had a wall of TV's broadcasting all the news stations and we could see more attacks. Then one of the stations had a chopper in the air and was filming live shots of my parents house and it was odd because the roof was gone (not destroyed, but almost like it had just been cut away so the contents could be seen), and we could see the entire inside of the house...and there were so many bodies, and blood everywhere...but all the bodies looked like dolls and action figures. I started sobbing hysterically and then I woke up.

Seeing it in writing makes it seem not as scary as it was, but I can tell you I was FREAKED out. Over the summer here a couple of people who were camping were snagged from their tents by bears and were eaten. I almost went out to the garage and threw away all our camping stuff...and I kept formulating a plan if bears came into our house how I would stay safe...and how to keep my fur babies safe also. It all seemed so real and I still just can't get some of the images out of my head.

I have NO IDEA where this dream came from - but I have been under a tremendous amount of stress the past couple weeks. I have been trying to figure out the meaning of the dream ever since I woke from it. Any ideas?

Dream Interpretations

I have the weirdest dreams...and last night's was no exception...

I was camping, at least I think I was...there were trailers all around and a big cabin...and in the cabin there were stoves all along the walls and I was cooking. In the dream a friend had triplets and she gave me one...a little girl.

Funny thing about my dreams - I never actually have a baby...people will give us one, or we will find one...do you think that is me processing the fact that I might never have a baby of my own, or do you think it is 'telling the future' for me?

I hate dreams where we get a baby and then I wake up and realize it is not real :(