Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Musings of the baby kind

The day before yesterday at the store I stood in that row and stared at the brightly colored boxes before me.  You know the row...THAT row.  The one where you stand in front of hope or pain: first Response or Tampax.  I didn't expect to be standing there...looking over the aisle of broken dreams.  I got tremendously nauseous last week and then this week it felt like my boobs were trying to recreate the blow-up blueberry scene from Willy Wonka.  I chalked it up to impending uterus tantruming and ignored it.  But the nausea got worse, and the boobs were so painful I couldn't wear a bra.  Of course there was the part of my brain that wondered if said uterus had in fact been occupied by a squatter...after seven years of trying to have a baby there are some things your brain becomes hard wired to do.  But I put it off.  Until the day before yesterday.  As I stared at the box that had caused me SO MUCH HEARTACHE over the years I almost found it comical that I once again needed it for an answer.  We haven't thought about trying to occupy the uterus for years.   So I grabbed it and a box of Tampax too...just to be prepared.   The plan was to test this morning.  I remembered from all those years ago that the first of the morning had the highest levels of the hormone you need to get a positive.  As Nathan and I lay in bed last night we mused over all the what-if's.  I wondered if my half-marathon in October would have to be post-poned...we both wondered how long we'd be able to keep the secret.  The last slice of my dream I remember from last night was me taking the test and seeing two lines...and being so elated.  I woke up, snuggled my little Miles for a minute, delaying the test...not wanting to disrupt our morning rhythm.  As my beautiful little boy watched Elmo, I snuck off to the bathroom to get some answers.  And then I saw it.  One line.  

And just like that I remembered all those tearful nights and frustrated years.  And I cursed that little box for giving me a glimmer of hope...a hope I wasn't even hoping for until I bought that stupid box.   

Today's Scores:
Infertility: 1

Holly: 0

6 comments:

Salmon Tolman Family said...

ugh. this makes my heart hurt for you. damn that stupid one liner--I will always be wishing and hoping for two for you! sending my love to you in Italy...

Kristen said...

:( sorry holly

Sheila said...

So sorry Holly. Thinking of you.

Travis, Michelle, Leah, & Kenzie said...

Been there so many times...love ya tons!

Becky Trimble said...

I am so sorry Holly! Your post had me in tears. You have a beautiful "voice" and way of putting words to what so many women feel. You have a special gift and I am so impressed at your courage to share your innermost thoughts and feelings in such a beautiful and honest way. I am sure this has been a blessing to many! Hugs!

Faye said...

Looks like the little box was wrong this time!!