Monday, July 31, 2006

New House, Segment 1: The Master Bedroom

Well...better late than never, right?? As promised here are some pictures of the new house...I will have to post them a little at a time since there will be quite a few :)

This is our master bedroom...we didn't think all the furniture would fit..but it did - although it is a little tight... The furniture is solid Mahogony with a cherry stain, we got it at a furniture store in Connecticut...the bedding is a silk/satin mix in mocha colors, from the UK (gotta love eBay!).

I was super ambitious when we first moved in and I did a Venetian Plaster finish on the took 3 full days just to do this ONE room...But I think it looks great...the close-up shows the texture of the walls..

I love Willow Tree Angels, and so they are displayed where I can see them Christmas-time I will post a pic of the Willow Tree Nativity. :) On the top shelf there is a girl holding a kitty...and a girl holding a bunch of wheat...some of Nathan and I's favorite things.

More to come later, we are off to Nathan's grandfather's viewing/wake.

job hunt

I just had my second interview and I think it went REALLY well...but I have learned not to get my hopes up so we'll see...they said they will make their decision by Thursday...

One exciting thing is that the family that owns the baby store also ownes a jewelry store in town and I would probably work like 1 day a week at the jewelry store...earning commi$$ion! :)

I'll keep you posted.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

oh, I almost forgot...

I have a second interview with the 'babies-r-us' place on Monday - wish me luck!

Can your skin actually melt off?

Ok, so have you seen the Indiana Jones movie Raiders of the Lost Ark? Remember in the end where the Nazi guy is looking into it and he melts?? (sorry i I just ruined the ending for anyone, but hey...that movie is SUPER old and if you haven't seen it by now...)

I walked outside just now to take out the garbage...and I felt like my skin could melt right off...nasty. I don't ever remember it being this hot here - it has been in the upper 90's and 100's for the last 2 weeks or so...with NO end in sight...And I guess the heat is not only here, but all across the county...California has had like 140 people DIE because of this heat...

Man, it makes me VERY GRATEFUL for central air!

Friday, July 28, 2006


I (and Nathan) have now officially gone to the 'Light'...yesterday we went to the bookstore to get everything for our classes...and they were having an INCREDIBLE sale on Mac we gave in and got 2! I got a MacBook and Nathan got a MacBook Pro...which will be really good, now with that and the mixer/speakers/mic's...he'll be able to start gigging out as a DJ for weddings, etc...

I am really excited to have it, I am finding that the Mac OS is such a breeze to operate. It will sure some in handy writing the many papers I'm sure to be assigned...not to mention it is SO cute... (he he, that is the girl in me coming out again)

So today is a little better than yesterday...I have spent some time reading blogs and I even got to talk to my friend Lexie from High School - who I haven't seen in FOREVER - and that was nice...she and her hubby are kinda going through simmiliar things as Nathan and I - and my heart goes out to them, cause man it SUCKS.

Well, I need to go rotate the laundry or I will have no garments for tomorrow...

Am I a horrible person?

So about 3:45 yesterday morning...after not being able to fall asleep I gave in and took a sleeping pill...and then I slept until 2pm...oh well..

So she had her baby yesterday, I think it was about 5pm or so. I felt a lot meaner than I ever expected...some people had told me that when the baby was born all my feelings would go away...but I actually felt them intensify quite a bit... It was tough, the day my parents became grandparents and it wasn't my child that did it...I am the oldest and the one who has been married the longest...(only one of my siblings is married and it has been less than a month since his wedding).

Today the plan is to go spend some time with my mom...retail therapy or something, so we'll see how that goes.

Oh...and I PROMISE I will have pictures of our new house posted here before the weekend is check back Sunday evening or so to see them.

Thursday, July 27, 2006


A few days have passed since the baby shower episode and I am feeling ok...or at least better than I was on Saturday. Still no news on the job interview at the 'babies-r-us' place went well...but I am not getting my hopes up anymore...although I FINALLY got unemployment all set up so I will have a little income coming in to add to my hubby's...

...I was cleaning up my scrapbook room tonight and realized my hands and feet were shaking, I stood up to walk back to my chair and everything went black...I didn't pass out but I fell over. I thought back and realized that I hadn't eaten since Monday night at my parent's place...and that is NOT like me...most people eat to live...I LIVE to EAT...

So Nathan heard me fall over (he was playing XBox in the Family Room) and asked what was wrong...I didn't want him to worry so I said nothing, but he came into the room before I could get back up and he realized what had happened... We were just about to leave (we were meeting his friend to go to a baseball game) so he said we would grab something to eat on our way...we had to stop at the bank (which happens to be located in Walmart) to cash a check and while we were standing in line all the color drained out of my face and I thought I would fall over he told me to go get something that I could eat in the car on the drive instead...It was all I could do to walk through the store...I almost fainted a couple times...

I KNOW I shouldn't do that...the not eating thing...I have PCOS and I am insulin resistant which means I need to really keep an eye on my blood sugar - I even have to take medication for it - which incidentally I haven't taken for 3-4 days...I can't explain it...I just don't have the motivation to 'fix' myself a meal...I don't have the motivation to do much of anything lately...I'm lucky if I get showered and dressed for the day.

So the baseball game was fun, and I drank quite a few (like 4) HUGE Diet Coke's....and now I can't sleep...So I find myself at a quarter of 2 in the morning typing...rambling... into oblivion to the imaginary audience of my blog.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Baby Shower Breakdown

So my parents live about 1 hour from us, Nathan decided not to come down with me but rather stay and work in the garage and yard instead...which was kind of a bad decision because it was like 105 degrees on Saturday...oh well...

So I started the drive, picked a radio station that had up-beat music that I could sing to and made it almost the whole way until Creed's 'Arms Wide Open' came on...that is about the singer and his new I lost it, I was sobbing and I called Nathan (who seemed a little bit annoyed at getting the call...turns out he was playing XBox) and he said I didn't have to go if I didn't want to - just drop the presents, game stuff and come home...(yes, game stuff...because of the AWESOME sister that I am, I planned all the games and got all the prizes - mom foot the bill though) But I started thinking WWJD? So I decided to go...

I pulled up to the house and called my mom's cell to have her come out and help carry in the stuff. I took a deep breath and entered the Lion's Den. I played all the games and talked and tried to act as normal...then she started opening gifts...I had to fake taking my plate to the garbage in the other room because I couldn't stop the tears anymore...I went to the kitchen, wiped them away, took a cold drink of water and went back out.

She got a lot of 'baby shower' type gifts...onsies, blankets, clothes, etc... I decided to make her a baby album...I scrapbook and it has kind of been a tradition that for weddings (and now babies, I guess) I make a 'ready-made' album...all you need is the pictures. It took me a lot of time and I made sure it looked good enough that I would use the pages in my own scrapbooks... I thought she would like it, but when she opened it all she could say was that they had changed the way they were going to spell the baby's middle name so some of the pages I had done were wrong. Are you kidding me???!?!? I spent probably 20-30 hours making you this baby book, during which MANY tears were shed...and you can't even say 'Thank you."!!?! (Actually, I didn't catch one thank you the whole shower) - I am (well, Nathan is too, so WE are) trying to take the higher road with this whole awkward situation and I feel like she's standing by and just she expects US to do all the work to keep this relationship ok...maybe that's just a sign of her (and my Brother's) immaturity.

Right after the shower my mom asked me if I was staying or going home...I said I needed to go to them mall and get a box of dark chocolate (See's...yummy). Emma (Brad's girlfriend) came up to me and gave me a hug, she said she had never seen me sad...and she wanted to know if I wanted to go and wander the mall while we were there...So I thought maybe me and mom and Emma would go...but it turns out everyone went. So we got some chocolate, Mom bought me a great pair of green wedges (shoes always make me feel a little better) and then my Grandma took us out to one of my favorite places to eat.

The retail therapy helped, as did the Prozac, but I still cried most of the drive home. My heart just ached the whole way - physical pain caused by a longing for something you have wanted for such a long time only to see others, who didn't want it, get it.

Sunday, July 23, 2006


I have some crazy brothers...we all got together last Sunday for a big fireworks show and we were playing BS (Which I am not good at...) and just hanging out having fun. Here are some cute pictures from then:

Brad is in the white tee and Emma his girlsfiend is in green.

Bryce is in green and his fiance Shanna is in coral.

Mitch is in the Navy and White (with the cookie in his mouth) and Michelle, his wife, is in the multi-colored top. The last photo is Nathan and I...we tried to get fireworks in the background...if you look hard you can see a couple little sparks..

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Square One

Ok, now that I'm back at square one, I hit the pavement again today...I dropped off an application at the Olive Garden, and one at a 'Babies-r-Us' type place, only more upscale and pricier. I don't know if the baby store is such a good idea...but I guess it is just wishful thinking that when we ever have a child join our family, I might be able to get a discount on a nice crib... ? I have an interview with them on Tuesday, and I hope to hear from Olive Garden soon too. The OG would be nice because I get benefits from DAY 1! I worked as a server once before and I made pretty good money, so I guess I could do it again for a while...

I got all registered for classes yesterday...I met with my "advisor" and got my residency status switched...Funny thing was that I seemed more prepared than she did for our appointment...I had my major requirements broken down into an Excel spreadsheet with what classes I had taken, in what semester and what classes were left...that's just my OCD shining through. I am excited to start classes gives me something of my own and something to distract me from life...and this semester will be tricky...Economics, Calculus, International Politics, Business Statistics and Interior Design (for a fun 'break' class).

So today is the baby shower for my little brother's fiance. It is at my mom's place and he being my brother, I am kinda obligated to go...I don't want to create feelings or anything. But I am going to need some serious love afterwards because I can feel it already, it is going to be tough...I am trying my hardest but I can't help but be EXTREMELY jealous of them. They have what we lost...and I guess the hardest part is that they weren't even planning on it...they were just dating when it happened....and she is SO young...last weekend while we were hanging out at our place she actually said she had never changed a, EVER....I could build a Mt. Everest with all the diapers I've changed and I DON'T EVEN HAVE CHILDREN!! ok, ok, calm down... Sorry for the ranting...I just needed to let some of it out so it doesn't all implode this afternoon.

Well, I gotta go...I need to go find my Prozac. I'll let you know tomorrow how it all went...assuming I am still coherent enough to log into the computer...

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Did I break a mirror or something?!

Is someone out there just playing a cruel joke on me??? Did you wake up this morning and say "I think I'm going to mess with Holly again, it's fun to watch her squirm"...?!??

I didn't hear back from the restaurant owner by this morning so I figured they were busy so I called them just now. The guy wasn't there so I talked to the owner...I had no sooner said my name when he said "We considered someone else for the position, good bye" and hung up...WHAT?!? Considered someone else...they offered ME the job and I took it...I am so confused and hurt right now. I am worried about how we're going to pay our mortgage...we have $12.61 in the bank and we have a $1000 mortgage due in 12 days.

I can barely even control myself as I'm writing this. I don't understand...we're 'supposed' to be here, but I keep hitting brick walls everywhere I turn. I am not in the best emotional state to be dealing with all this right now...I miss my friends from RI, and I miss my kitty Othello who died and I hate that we lost our baby while others (who don't even want children) are having babies. We have no friends here and I am LONELY and DEPRESSED and I don't know how much longer I can take this.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Ghosts in boxes

Ok, so I got ahold of the restaurant guy and told him that if the offer was still good, I would love to take it. He said the owner would call me Monday or Tuesday to arrange a time for me to come in and fill out paperwork, etc, etc... I'm glad to have a job, but I still feel disappointed that I didn't get the lawyer job, like I'm some sort of failure or something. Although having the restaurant job will likely be a blessing once school will allow me to actually take some classes where the lawyer job would not...I really wanted that job, and the prestige that would come with it.

Depression is a tricky animal...if you have never had anyone close (I mean spouse, best friend, parent...) to you suffer from it, consider yourself lucky. I have been dealing with depression for almost 4 years...I officially have OCD, which in my case triggers depression symptoms...I was seeing a therapist weekly until we moved, and I'm even on meds for it - which I take religiously - but every now and then somethings sneaks up on me that throws me back into a mist of darkness. I know the best thing for me is to get out of the house and go do something, but it is all I can do in the morning to get up before 11 and shower. I know having a job will help but I am scared out of my mind to go back to work...I can't even explain the originations/causes of the feelings but they are there and it is hard for anyone who has never felt them to understand the powerful effect they have on your moods. Just thinking that I might have to go into work tomorrow keeps me so on edge I can't sleep...I know part of that is the OCD, because I have to have complete control of all situations...and a new job will bring new challenges and things totally out of my control. I have Ambien (which is great, by the way) but I don't want to create a habit of having to take drugs to go to sleep.

It is funny...when we decided to get out of the military and move I thought I would be able to leave some of those ghosts in Rhode Island...but somehow they made it into boxes I tried so hard to keep them out of.

Saturday, July 15, 2006


Bummer, bummer, bummer

So I got a call from the lawyer guy and he set up a secomd interview with him and his partner (who runs the other office in another city) went really great...lots of positive good energy between the three of us. So I got a call from the partner today to say they went another direction...someone who has more 'law' experience...

So that brings me back to the old do you gain said 'law' experience unless you get hired to work in a 'law' job...only they won't hire you because you don't have the experience needed...aaarrrghh.

So I feel like eating a tub of Ben & Jerry's...maybe two.

I called the guy back at the restaurant...he was gone home for dinner, and they said he'd call me when he gets back in an hour or so...hopefully they still want me there...

Well, I gotta go...people are coming to visit the house tomorrow and we still have boxes blocking several doorways...and several windows without curtains :(


Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Feast or Famine

So it figures...the day after I write complaining about jobs that this would happen...

I had an interview this morning with a Law firm...(some of you who know my might say I need something a little 'less serious'...but hey I have read EVERY John Grisham book and loved them!)...They are a brand new firm but want to expand to 50 in 3 years! I would love's clean, neat, the office looks like something out of a Pottery Barn catalog! The lawyer can't be much older than me...maybe 2 or 3 years, and seems really nice. I nailed the interview and would not be surprised to hear back from them by Monday.

So as I'm driving home from the interview I'm on the phone with a friend from RI and the other line beeps...(I hate people who answer the other line...) and I would have ignored it but it was the restaurant that I interviewed at a month ago for a manager position and didn't get I took the call (I know...bad cell phone etiquette) and found out they need someone 25-30 hours a week as an Asst. Manager to take some pressure off busy shifts...and they want to know if I am still interested!

Now I don't know what to do because I really wanted the restaurant job...I even turned down another job because I thought I had it in the bag....BUT the Law firm would offer TONS of room for growth and would be cleaner, less smelly and more prestigious...

What would you do??? Wait to hear back from the Law Firm (FT, $11.50/hr) or take the restaurant (30 hrs/wk, $11)???

Monday, July 10, 2006

How do you gain experience?!?! since our move I have been trying to find a job...I am a hard worker who is well qualified...I worked at a Chamber of Commerce for 3 years!! I have had NO luck here...every job wants 'experienced only'... So let me ask you one question...HOW are you suposed to gain said experience...because every job at which you could do so hires only experienced individuals....the whole thing is MADDENING.

I need to find a job soon or we will have a tricky time paying our mortgage due August I would really like to get health insurance soon...


Hitting a brick wall luck on the job front. I did have one offer but I felt like I shouldn't take I didn't...Nathan is still working his 2 jobs, bless his heart, and I have 2 more interviews on Tuesday. Hopefully something will turn up soon because I NEED something to occupy my time. Being at home all day with no one else around and no kids to take care of and NO friends to call taxes my thoughts and feelings. I have been unsuccessful in making any friends yet..everyone my are seems to have at least a few children so we don't have much in common and they are super busy with their kids...
Nathan is gone from 6am to 10pm so I am REALLY alone. My little brother proposed to his pregnant girlfriend last week which is good...I am still having a really hard time being around her...if my baby would have lived I would only be 2 months behind her...It is very heart wrenching to see him rub her belly and talk about taking the baby places once he's born...and my mom is throwing her a shower in a couple weeks...I just don't know if I can go...I love her and I love my brother but the pain I would feel by being around her being showered with gifts and ooo-ing and awe-ing over her 'pregnantness'...would just be too much for me to bear. Wanting something for so long, then loosing it has been the cruelest thing I have ever been forced to endure. I have faith that I will have children someday...I just am tired of waiting and being patient.
Since moving I have run into many old 'friends' (more acquaintances) from High School...ALL of which have had least one. It has been tricky, dancing around the questions...if someone says "Oh, you've been married for four and a half years, how many children do you have?" again I am going to scream and poke their eyes out.
Ok.ok...calm down. I think I should go get something to eat...I get a little testy when my blood-sugar drops...
Well bye for now, I'll keep you posted.