Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Not shatterproof


I feel like I'm barely keeping it together.  I try to act tough and strong...but I'm not.  I try and smile and repeat positive mantras to myself...as if that will keep the rising tide of sadness at bay.  

I don't know why this one has hit me so much harder than the others.  Maybe because we actually got on a plane this time.  That simple act let my heart believe that it was real; that I was finally going to be called Mother.  Maybe it's because of my ever growing fear that with this failure the scales were tipped to the hopeless side of things.  

I'm trying to keep hope alive, but it's getting almost too much for me to bear.

6 comments:

Lokidude said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lokidude said...

I'm firmly of the belief that all of your trials will someday pay dividends. You want to be a mother so badly (and you'll be a great one, I'm certain) that I have no doubt that you will achieve that goal. Nobody can want something so badly, and work so hard, to walk away unfulfilled.

Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal said...

Holly I'm so sorry. It seems like when your hopes soar so high, they can swing to an equally low point. You are still in my prayers!

Happy Herrons said...

Can you go see a therapist? just once? Even just going and having another,unrelated, person hear your trauma and tell you it was horrible REALLY helps your soul. GO TO THERAPY. Maybe you have pre-adoption traumatic stress? We love you

Janie said...

I am still thinking about this and it just is so sad, I am so sorry, losing an adoption is like losing a child but you know that they are still out there in the world and possibly not in the best situation. so heartbreaking. I just know that through the gospel all will be made right with those that are faithful. I don't completely understand how it will be made right but I know that it will be. until then, again I am so, so sorry.

Melissa said...

My heart ached for you and Nate when I heard what happened, and I started crying for you. You guys have been through so much.