I feel like I'm barely keeping it together. I try to act tough and strong...but I'm not. I try and smile and repeat positive mantras to myself...as if that will keep the rising tide of sadness at bay.
I don't know why this one has hit me so much harder than the others. Maybe because we actually got on a plane this time. That simple act let my heart believe that it was real; that I was finally going to be called Mother. Maybe it's because of my ever growing fear that with this failure the scales were tipped to the hopeless side of things.
I'm trying to keep hope alive, but it's getting almost too much for me to bear.