I have no idea where this string of thoughts came from...but it's been occupying my mind for a while and it seems the only way to give my mind some solace is to get it on paper. What follows is a cocktail of my religious beliefs, my personal beliefs, and the emotional thoughts of an infertile person contemplating life. The Gospel according to Holly as it were.
I wonder what Miles felt as he, waiting to come to earth, watched his future mother and father excitedly prepare for twins that he knew he was not part of. I wonder if he cried quiet tears for us, knowing the heartache that waited at the other end of the plane ride to Georgia. I wonder in those quiet, tear-filled moments in the dark of night, when I felt all hope was lost; if he tried whispering in my ears "don't give up Mommy". I wonder how many times he wanted to come NOW...not wait, because he could see the pain we were feeling. It must have been hard for my stubborn little guy as he was told: it's not time, you have to wait. I imagine the excitement he felt as the day of his birth inched closer. I wonder if in those last few days he stayed close to us, imagining what it would be like to finally be in our physical presence. The night we first held him, there were no tears. Only peace. Like the peace of three hearts who had waited so long to meet, and were finally at rest now that they were beating so close together. Those first few days as we would stare into each others' eyes I sensed a deep bond that stretched eternities...rather than merely days.
I also wonder a lot about the three babies we lost in miscarriage. Were those Miles' attempts to join our family years ago that were thwarted by my faulty reproductive system? Or are there three children waiting for us on the other side, patiently awaiting their turn to be held by mommy?
Then, naturally, my thought string falls to the twins, the Florida baby girl, the Ohio baby boy, and the Georgia baby girl...all of whom watched as we anxiously awaited their arrival. I believe they knew we would not be their parents; that the plan we so desperately were counting on, would change. I wonder what they thought...and I wonder if Miles knew them.
I also wonder if there are any more children waiting to join our family. I don't currently feel any sort of pressure, like I did before we got Miles, to work our way down the adoption path...or fertility path for that matter. I feel content as our family of three. I wonder if there is another child sitting and watching, patiently hoping for the time that I'll feel that "there's someone missing" feeling.