...blue...

So I have to first apologize for not updating sooner...but TRUST ME...you would not have wanted to know what horrible dark thoughts were swimming around in my head. I have been dealing with some deamons off and on for a few years, and they are trying with all their might to surface lately...scary things...scary, dark things...

Also, my little heart is broken, again......I am pretty sure we lost another baby just over a week ago..in fact I would bet my life on it. ...I had a hunch I might have been pregnant...especially after passing out and falling in my closet. But it was not until it 'ended' that I was pretty sure...the way it happened mimicked almost exactly the way the first one went...it would actually explain a lot...I had been extremely tired, moody, my face broke out something terrible and I was a little bit of a Bee-otch to all around me...more so than I EVER get with PMS...I just don't know how much more I can handle...I got an invitation to a baby shower for a friend in the mail and this is the friend who let me find out she was pregnant in a mass e-mail...after a very deep heart-to-heart (or so I thought) about infertility...(it took her like 6 months to get pregnant)...and it is being hosted by the friend that I think is pregnant again...the one who won't return my calls or e-mails...the only real friend I have made here is pregnant too...on their first try. A few in my family are also pregnant or have just had babies...It just seems to be EVERYWHERE, and it makes it hard to do even the simplest of things, like go to church...family gatherings...grocery shop...

Just when I feel like I have the whole thing under control and I can deal with it...something else pops up and kicks me in the stomach...and it is never one at a time...that I could maybe deal with but this 1-2 sucker punch stuff is really knocking the wind - and life - out of me...