Friday, December 03, 2010


The necklace I wear everyday

A couple months ago I was in the lobby after church and one of the missionaries came up to say hi.  He noticed the necklace I was wearing and asked me "What is your hope?"  I replied that my biggest hope was to be a mother"That's not a hope" he said, "that's a given."  I didn't want to get into it with anyone in the lobby at church so I let it slide.  I've thought about it a few times since then, but this week it has been a constant thought. 

Nothing in life is a given.  It isn't a given that you'll graduate college just because you start or that you'll get married just because you date or that you'll be able to have kids just because you're a woman.  Just as if you do graduate it isn't a given that you'll find a job, or if you get married that you'll stay married, or if you have kids that they'll be healthy

The last week has been really rough emotionally.  The holidays are always hard (infertility-wise) but I'm not sure why this year has hit me so hard.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I thought there would be four stockings hanging from our mantle this year...instead of two.  Maybe it's because I know I won't be seeing any family.  Maybe it's because of my looming big birthday and my life is not anywhere near where I thought it would be when I hit 30.  Maybe it's because I know it won't seem like much of a holiday because of our move.  All I know is that I have been reduced to tears more times this week than I can count on both hands.  I know that there is a plan out there for us and that someday I'll understand why it was necessary for us to go through all of this. 

I {hope} that our future involves children, but as of late I've had to deal with a growing fear that it may not.  I'm not sure I would know what to do with myself.  The last six and a half years of our lives have been focused on having a is what I know, what I long for, what I live for.  But, it isn't a given and I pray that if it isn't in the cards for us that my heart will be strong enough to accept that.


Val said...

First of all, when is your birthday!?

I'm so sorry you've been having a rough time. We love you Holly. The Christmas right before finding out about Bradshaw was the hardest, saddest time of my life. I've often agreed with the expression "the darkest hour is right before dawn."

PS Are you decorating for the holidays?

Holly said...

My birthday is the 25th of December. Yep, Christmas. I'm hoping this is the dark before the dawn...I really, really need a dawn. We aren't decorating until we get moved into our new place. Hopefully I'll get a tree up even if I am setting it up amidst boxes on the 24th.

Abby said...

Perhaps he was speaking of the eternities? Granted, if you don't find yourself in the Celestial Kingdom children aren't a given, but children are promised to those who seek them if they are worthy and endure to the end. But sometimes that's after we've been resurrected. *I* hope you see them far sooner than that, however. There are children out there who deserve nothing less than the love and nurture only you can provide them with. I pray they find their way to you.

I'm so sorry this is weighing on your heart so heavily. I have spent many an hour wondering how I can help you through this monumental trial.

Happy Herrons said...

You can do it