tears from heaven

it's raining...and whenever it rains it reminds me of Newport. I miss it terribly and sometimes I forget I'm here and I am dreaming about Newport and my friends there and eating at my favorite restaurant and my favorite place to park the car and listen to the waves. I miss walking in the sand, and the sounds of the harbor. I miss feeling like I was someone who mattered. Not that everything was perfect there - but I miss it.

I am struggling here. I am in a job(s) I hate, working for $6 an hour. I know I shouldn't complain - at least I have a job. And at least I have a sweet, understanding husband, and am close to family...but that still doesn't take away the pain I feel whenever it rains. I have this image in my mind of my windsheild washers going and driving past Johnny's and seeing a stop sign blur past in the distorted, water covered glass. It is an odd image to have, but for some reason I always think of it when it rains.

I miss Othello. I know he was just a cat, and he has been gone for almost 5 months now, but he was like my child and I was holding him when he died. I can still remember what his body felt like, limp and growing cold. He's buried in Rhode Island, next to his brother, and even though I know HE is not in the ground, I still wish I could go there and touch the soil and be close to the last place I saw him. I feel like I never got to greive for him, he died so suddenly, and right before our move.

I feel so overwhelmed, and I'm losing my grip. I feel as though I'm in a storm drain and the water level is rising higher and higher and I can't get out, and the water won't stop coming...it's getting deeper and deeper, because it's raining.