ok, so this week has been pretty good...but today I just can't shake this muddy feeling off...I just feel sad.
One of my friends from High School and I had a talk when we first moved here about how hard it is to try for a baby over and over every month (granted she had only been trying since April...). We talked about the feelings we get towards other women who get pregnant, and she said "I just hope you don't feel that way towards me when I get pregnant..." just assuming that she will get pregnant before me....so I wanted to be pregnant before her...just because of the comment and to show her that one should think before speaking...yet that is not to be...I just got mass e-mail from her announcing her pregnancy...baby due May 31st (just a little over a year from when they started trying...so NOT long a very long wait at all)
I also have a sneeking suspicion that my other friend is pregnant again - with her third...she tends to ignore me for months at a time when she gets pregnant...if and when that suspicion is confirmed, I'll let you know.
I KNOW I should be used to all this by now - especially considering where I live and where I work...but it doesn't ever get any easier. We want children and I think we would be good parents - it is just so unfair. And we have talked about adoption, but right now we would not even qualify - we are not 'financially secure' enough by most agencies' standards...not to mention that we don't have health insurance. So even adoption is out of our reach until Nathan graduates - which won't likely be until May of 2009 (maybe even 10).
It just feels so sad to not have any hope...we have been 'not trying' since we lost the baby more than 9 months ago and still nothing - so HA to all of you who say just stop trying and you'll get pregnant...now you know that ISN'T true...and without adoption, there is no hope for a baby joining our family any time soon... :(
6 comments:
Holly, Awwwwww I am so sorry about this, you seem like you would be such a great mom I think it is so unfair you ca'nt get pregnant, Big Hugs Lisa
Holly, I think you would be an awesome mom, life is so unfair, Hugs Lisa
Holly, I understand that it is so frustrating. I know that it would be hard not to be able to have children but I wonder if you realize that your friend did not mean it that way at all. Sometimes people say things and others read so much more into them dependent on their circumstances. She is a friend, give her credit and be happy that she has had success. It isn't her fault that your are not being able to have children at all, it is no ones. As for your friend who you assume is pregnant again because you have not heard from her lately, it is hard to know that someone is having a hard with something and when it seems that it comes so easily to you, you feel guilty and don't want to share the good news with that person. That applies to all things. For example, I have a sister who at one time lived in California, she is older than me and much more deserving and hoped to buy a house but in California that is near impossible unless you are esceptionally wealthy and of course she is not. We graduated from college and were able to buy a house within seven months. She is my closest sister and yet it took me forever to call her and tell her. She was happy for me and yes still wants a house but knew that nothing I did made it out of reach for them at that time. I really think that you need to look at several angles before you get so worked up about other peoples lives. You are a good person and have so many good things in your life right now. Try to focus on them and the pain of not being able to have children may diminish some. I hope I have not offended you. That wasn't my purpose. Good luck.
Poor Holly! I know that this is really hard for you. I agree with anonymous that your friend is probably just afraid to tell you. I didn't particularly want you to kn ow that I was pregnant again either. It is so hard to share happy news when you know that the news will devastate your friends.
Holly, the Lord has a plan for you concerning children. I don't know what it is but you have to trust that you are on a path to somewhere! Sometimes the journey is so difficult but when you arrive at the destination it will be worth it. I'm praying for you!
Ryann
There is a fantastic article in the October Ensign written by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland (one of my personal favorites). "What I Wish Every New Member Knew--and Every Longtime Member Remembered" (pp. 10-16) This is just an excerpt.
On this upward and sometimes hazardous journey, each of us meets our share of daily challenges. If we are not careful, as we peer through the narrow lens of self-interest, we may feel that life is bringing us more than our fair share of trials—that somehow others seem to be getting off more lightly.
But the tests of life are tailored for our own best interests, and all will face the burdens best suited to their own mortal experience. In the end we will realize that God is merciful as well as just and that all the rules are fair. We can be reassured that our challenges will be the ones we needed, and conquering them will bring blessings we could have received in no other way.
If we constantly focus only on the stones in our mortal path, we will almost surely miss the beautiful flower or cool stream provided by the loving Father who outlined our journey. Each day can bring more joy than sorrow when our mortal and spiritual eyes are open to God’s goodness. . . . We must never allow our burdens to obscure our blessings. There will always be more blessings than burdens—even if some days it doesn’t seem so.
Please remember that many people love you and that you are NOT alone!
I Hope you have a better week & Happy Thanksgiving. :)
Holly, I was intrigued to read more about your choice to adopt when I came across your blog. So I started reading under adoption label, and I just felt the urge to comment on this very old post.
Nate is now graduated. You are just another step closer.
I will keep you and Nate in my prayers for your hope to adopt. Remember, this all happens in Gods timing, and nothing is more perfect than that.
Hugs, Breanna
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