Sunday, August 08, 2010

Cruel

Laying in bed in the darkness the phone ringing wakes me from my slumber.  I stumble in the darkness, wondering who could possibly be calling at this hour.  The words on the other side come quickly..."babies born...I've made a mistake...all consents have been signed...hurry."  I quickly wake Nathan and we pack in a fury.  We set out in the darkness, full of excitement.  All the pain of the previous week melts away.  With each state border we cross our anticipation grows.  We make the 23 hour drive to my parent's place in Utah with no overnight stops.  We sleep for a few hours, drop off the dog, gas up the car and we're off again.  Eleven hours later we're at the hospital in California.  We see our babies for the first time through the glass.  The nurses realize who we are and let us back to hold them.  Tears are shed, prayers are said.  Later in the day they are released and we make our way back to our hotel.  Their cries do nothing to deflate our swollen hearts.  Sometime in the darkness of night, when both the babies are fed, changed and asleep we drift to sleep as well.  This morning when I see the first morning light creep in the room I am confused.  "Where am I?"  as the room comes into focus I realize I am not in a hotel in California.  I am in my bed.  In my apartment.  In Chicago.  The tears sting as I realize we are alone in our apartment.  There are no babies.  There was no phone call, no 23 hour drive, no hospital.  I feel my heart sink lower in my chest and I feel powerless against the oppressive darkness I know is coming.

5 comments:

.:Bree:. said...

My heart aches for you. I am still hoping and praying that she does change her mind. <3

Salmon Tolman Family said...

Vivid dreams can be so terrifying--I have them all the time. Like this week, my youngest son drowned in a lake and I couldn't reach him and I had to go for air and I knew he was dead because of my lack in swimming hard enough to retrieve him. Then I woke to find all was okay. It's the complete opposite in your case, though: your dream was your perfect life and everything you wanted, only to wake up to discover that nothing came true. In this case, the real life is more terrifying than a dream, and after waking from a dream like that, real life seems even worse than before! So sorry, Holly. I actually looked at getting plane tickets this past week to come see you in Chicago--they were far too expensive, but I am thinking of you and praying for you!

Juli said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I wish I knew what to say or do to help. I'm single...I guess I could go get knocked up or something??? You know, just to help you out. ;) I hope things get better soon. I really can't figure out why things happen the way they do...it seems soooooo unfair!!!

Grandma Bailey said...

You will be blessed for going this horrible trial. You will incredible parents once it happens. We love you so much!

Happy Herrons said...

You are a hero to try and help us when you are in a hard time. Double the drugs for a while? It helps. enjoy your time away. WE love you