In the past I haven't always been the best at dealing with the trials of infertility. When I got hurt I pulled away from family, friends, church and God. Deep inside I knew it was wrong, but it is the natural reaction to pain - to pull away. So when the light crept into my bedroom this morning signaling time to get up and get ready for church I had an internal discussion. Go to church or not?? I wanted so much to stay home, burrow deeper within the covers and sleep off this pain. But I knew I needed to go...if I didn't it would make next week that much harder. I needed to face the questions that were sure to come.
We entered the building and quickly found a seat. The opening hymn was good...a nice up-beat tune to distract me. Then the person conducting the meeting announced that there would be three baby blessings today. I felt my skin prickle. I felt Nathan's arm around my shoulder tighten. Baby blessings have always been hard and today it was just something I so. did. not. need to endure. The first baby was blessed and my tears were already falling. Then the second baby was announced to be the twin of the first baby. Seriously. Nathan's grip tightened even more and I did everything I could to stifle my sobs.
I didn't make it through the entire day of church...but I'm proud of us for making the effort. I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow and all the questions and unknown that will come (because I was hired just as a temp until the babies were born)...but at least I know there won't be any baby blessings.