Monday, August 02, 2010

Salt on the wounds

In the past I haven't always been the best at dealing with the trials of infertility.  When I got hurt I pulled away from family, friends, church and God.  Deep inside I knew it was wrong, but it is the natural reaction to pain - to pull away.  So when the light crept into my bedroom this morning signaling time to get up and get ready for church I had an internal discussion.  Go to church or not??  I wanted so much to stay home, burrow deeper within the covers and sleep off this pain.  But I knew I needed to go...if I didn't it would make next week that much harder.  I needed to face the questions that were sure to come.

We entered the building and quickly found a seat.  The opening hymn was good...a nice up-beat tune to distract me.  Then the person conducting the meeting announced that there would be three baby blessings today.  I felt my skin prickle.  I felt Nathan's arm around my shoulder tighten.  Baby blessings have always been hard and today it was just something I so. did. not. need to endure.  The first baby was blessed and my tears were already falling.  Then the second baby was announced to be the twin of the first baby.  Seriously.  Nathan's grip tightened even more and I did everything I could to stifle my sobs.

I didn't make it through the entire day of church...but I'm proud of us for making the effort.  I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow and all the questions and unknown that will come (because I was hired just as a temp until the babies were born)...but at least I know there won't be any baby blessings.

7 comments:

Kimberli Norton said...

Holly. You know I feel for you. I am truly truly sorry. I am here if you need me. Just write your feelings to me or feel free to give me a call. I am so so sorry. I know there is nothing I can do to make you feel better besides giving you the one thing you want most. I am so sorry I can't do that for you. I would love to be able to. I am so sorry. I hope you know God knows you and hears your prayers, and cares about you so so much. You are truly loved, and happinss will come your way.

Salmon Tolman Family said...

I withdraw when I'm experiencing a hard time, too. In fact, I'm going through my own "pulling away" period right now. But it's definitely nothing like what you're going through. What are the chances of twins being blessed today, of all days?!! Oh man, life's not fair.

Kristen said...

I have to say I am totally so proud of you for going to church. We had baby blessings today too and I thought of you out there in Chicago. You're amazing

Bennett family said...

Oh my, I just read your facebook post and wondered what was going on! I'm so so sorry, sweetie! My heart is aching for you and Nate. Hang in there, it'll happen! You'll be amazing parents!!!

.Lane & Jesika. said...

Oh Holly! I am so so so sorry. I hope that you and Nate are doing okay. I wish I knew what to say to help comfort you, but all I can do is let you know that I am praying for you. Everything happens for a reason, but I know how hard that is to understand some times. XOXO

Sheila said...

Still praying. It will be your turn and oh what a glorious day it will be!

Grandma Bailey said...

When your turn comes, just think how much happier you will be because of all the sorrow and pain you have gone through now. I promise you it will be so much sweeter. You and Nathan will be wonderful parents. We are all praying for you. It will happen.