This month marks a pretty big, albeit unfortunate, milestone for us. Five years ago this month we decided we wanted to expand our little family of two. We decided we wanted late night feedings and diapers and screaming children. When we first started I never would have thought we'd be five years down the road still waiting. A lot of things have changed over the five years, some good and some bad. I have lost a few friends over the uncomfortableness of our situation, but some unlikely pillars of strength have risen to support and love us. I have been amazed at some people's complete lack of sensitivity and then there are those who touched my heart by their kindness.
I have had done a lot of soul searching and contemplation over the five years. Among my soul searching I have had some serious internal debates on hope. On the one hand, hope gives you just that little bit of light in the darkness when you feel all is lost. But on the other hand I have wondered if having hope is bad. Clinging to hope in a hopeless situation isn't healthy. I remember hearing somewhere that hope stunts emotional growth. I can see that. Over the last year I have done quite a bit of grieving over the loss of never being able to carry children. I have come to terms with the reality that in all likelihood I will never bear children and I am ok with it. Now. It took a long time to get here. Yet, every once in a while someone will tell me of someone they know who tried some 'miracle' remedy and got pregnant. That used to ignite all sorts of hope within me, but now it only frustrates me. I have dealt with the pain of moving on. I am ok with it. That doesn't mean I still don't get a broken heart every now and then when someone I know announces they are pregnant or gives birth to a baby; but holding on to the hope that I will miraculously conceive is holding me back from hoping for another miracle.
I think the key is knowing when to change the focus of your hope. Where before I would hope for morning sickness and stretch marks, I now hope that somewhere out there a young woman who is facing a situation that is tough is thinking of other options. She is being told what to do by friends, family, strangers, doctors, etc. I hope that at night, when the world has gone silent, and she thinks of what she wants for the small life growing inside her, that she wants the child to have a loving, supportive family with two parents. I hope that someone who knows of our hope will come in contact with her, and that they will speak for us. I hope that she will choose the hardest thing anyone could ever have to choose. I hope to get that phone call. I hope to have to pack quickly and make hurried travel arrangements. I hope for that.
I feel optimistic about our search for a baby for the first time in a while. Nathan has graduated. He has a great job with benefits and a steady paycheck. Once our house sells we will start the ball rolling. The ball that started rolling so long ago in the deepest desires of our hearts.