Thursday, April 29, 2010

Infertility sucks...sometimes

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.   I knew it was coming up, I just didn't know how I wanted to mention it here...if I wanted to mention it at all.  Then I got to thinking.  I am infertile.  It sucks, but it is what it is...and it is very much a part of who I am and the woman I've become.  Over the last year I've done a lot of growing in the infertility department, but I have more growing yet to do.  When I hear someone is pregnant I no longer spontaneously burst into tears...but most of the time I still get sad, and some tears are usually shed.   I don't think the sting of being infertile will ever go away.  Even if we get children through the miracle of adoption.  Having sweet children call me mother will not completely take away the ache of a barren womb.  Mostly, my sadness is feeling like I'm missing out on something.  I wish I could feel a baby kick, I wish I could experience the pregnancy waddle, I wish I could proudly post pics of an ever-growing belly.   I have come to terms with the fact that those things will never be a part of my journey to motherhood...and I am ok with it.  Most of the time. 

Today I felt a little bad for myself so I decided to make a list of the things I am glad I'll miss out on because I'll never get pregnant.  Ready? (Some of them might be TMI.  Consider yourself warned)
  • My feet won't get swollen and change size.  Have you met me?  I love shoes.  I'm not talking 4th grade, oogly-googly, oh-those-are-cute, puppydog kind of love.  I'm talking about 86 pair-owning, leather-smelling, heel drooling, DSW stalking, eBay obsessive retired style searching kind of love.  The kind of love that would drive me to walk too many blocks in too high of heels, all because they make the outfit.  Sometimes when I'm sad I sit in my closet and try on my shoes...and it helps.  If I got pregnant and my feet grew and I could no longer wear all my would bring a whole 'nother level to postpartum depression.
  • I will be able to jump on a trampoline with my kids without wearing Depends.  
  • My boobs will stay perky longer.  I am quite fond of my girls and I like where they're at.  Because I will never nurse and the ladies will never get huge and engorged...they will stay where they're at longer than all you baby-making women.  (Nathan is happy about this too)
  • No baby weight to lose.  I struggle with my weight enough that I don't need baby weight added to the mix.  
  • Episiotomy.  I don't want anyone going anywhere near there with a blade...or a needle.  
  • Cantaloupe through a golf ball.  (If you're confused about this one...just think about it for a will come to you)
  • I am a bit of a klutz.  I have read that when you're pregnant your center of gravity gets all messed up.  Anyone who knows me knows this would be a recipe for disaster.  Need I remind you of my past, um...incidents??   (If you need a good on that link.  I brought myself to tears reminiscing over my poor accident prone-ness)
  • I won't have to put rubber sheets on our bed.  I always had this fear of my water breaking while I was sleeping and I wouldn't want our nice mattress to get ruined.  
Well, there you have it.

**I feel like I must leave a footnote.  If by an act of God...and that is what it would take...I was able to get pregnant.  I would welcome all the above...and everything else pregnancy could throw my way.  I was just trying to look on the sunny side of being infertile :)


Sterling Bo said...

On the issue of breastfeeding -

Amy and I breastfed. Wonderful experience for both of us. It IS possible... :)

I love you. and I love that you know how many pairs of shoes you own.

Marsha said...

Ah, and don't forget my personal favorite... stretch marks!

Happy Herrons said...

Yes, the stretch marks and the vomiting, the after-the-baby-hair loss, craziness-hormons (hello, I think IF tops that in a second - because it does NOT go away in a week!)

Salmon Tolman Family said...

Hi Holly,
My name is Kala. I went to HS with Nate, we grew up in the same ward. I saw your button on Joe and Jenn's blog, and I requested it from Nate on FB. I know you and I have never met, but I like you. Really, I do. I read all your 2010 blogs (thanks for the great reads!) and I feel like I should know you already! Anyways, I put the button on my blog (it's an awesome eye-catching button, btw). I'm your newest blog stalker fan!!!
With love, kala