So my parents live about 1 hour from us, Nathan decided not to come down with me but rather stay and work in the garage and yard instead...which was kind of a bad decision because it was like 105 degrees on Saturday...oh well...
So I started the drive, picked a radio station that had up-beat music that I could sing to and made it almost the whole way until Creed's 'Arms Wide Open' came on...that is about the singer and his new baby...so I lost it, I was sobbing and I called Nathan (who seemed a little bit annoyed at getting the call...turns out he was playing XBox) and he said I didn't have to go if I didn't want to - just drop the presents, game stuff and come home...(yes, game stuff...because of the AWESOME sister that I am, I planned all the games and got all the prizes - mom foot the bill though) But I started thinking WWJD? So I decided to go...
I pulled up to the house and called my mom's cell to have her come out and help carry in the stuff. I took a deep breath and entered the Lion's Den. I played all the games and talked and tried to act as normal...then she started opening gifts...I had to fake taking my plate to the garbage in the other room because I couldn't stop the tears anymore...I went to the kitchen, wiped them away, took a cold drink of water and went back out.
She got a lot of 'baby shower' type gifts...onsies, blankets, clothes, etc... I decided to make her a baby album...I scrapbook and it has kind of been a tradition that for weddings (and now babies, I guess) I make a 'ready-made' album...all you need is the pictures. It took me a lot of time and I made sure it looked good enough that I would use the pages in my own scrapbooks... I thought she would like it, but when she opened it all she could say was that they had changed the way they were going to spell the baby's middle name so some of the pages I had done were wrong. Are you kidding me???!?!? I spent probably 20-30 hours making you this baby book, during which MANY tears were shed...and you can't even say 'Thank you."!!?! (Actually, I didn't catch one thank you the whole shower) - I am (well, Nathan is too, so WE are) trying to take the higher road with this whole awkward situation and I feel like she's standing by and just watching...like she expects US to do all the work to keep this relationship ok...maybe that's just a sign of her (and my Brother's) immaturity.
Right after the shower my mom asked me if I was staying or going home...I said I needed to go to them mall and get a box of dark chocolate (See's...yummy). Emma (Brad's girlfriend) came up to me and gave me a hug, she said she had never seen me sad...and she wanted to know if I wanted to go and wander the mall while we were there...So I thought maybe me and mom and Emma would go...but it turns out everyone went. So we got some chocolate, Mom bought me a great pair of green wedges (shoes always make me feel a little better) and then my Grandma took us out to one of my favorite places to eat.
The retail therapy helped, as did the Prozac, but I still cried most of the drive home. My heart just ached the whole way - physical pain caused by a longing for something you have wanted for such a long time only to see others, who didn't want it, get it.
1 comment:
After having read several of your entries my heart goes out to you. I personally have not experienced the difficulties that you have and are now facing, yet while pondering and reading I made some realizations that are helping me with other matters and I think if you allow them to, they can help ease the pains of your struggles. I was reading an article in the Ensign, a magazine published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saint. This articles focus was on many of the pioneers throughout history. Not only modern day pioneer like those who crossed the plains but those during the reformation and even some in the old testament like Naomi, Moses, Sarah, Job. One thing that all of these pioneers have in common is the tremendous amount of adversity that they endured, many up to the ends of their lives on this earth. All of us have some kind of adversity in life. Some hide it better than others and for some exposing it is a way to heal. But it is what we choose to do once the obsticle is place in our way that defines who we are. We can choose to break down and let the obsticle overcome us or we can choose to hold our heads up high, square our shoulders, and overcome the obsticles. We are never alone. I know that you believe in Christ from your articles and that is one the most important things. His atonement was not simply for the bad choices that we make but also for the trials that we are faced with wheather they are physical, mental, or spiritual. The lord will not give you more than you can handle and if you have faith in that and Him, He will be there to hold you up. Good Luck and have faith.
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