So, you know how sometimes somebody tells you something and you think "you couldn't be farther off base?!?" and then it turns out they were actually right?? Take a trip with me down 'therapy lane'....
In Rhode Island I was priveliged enough to meet with a therapist pretty regularly...(like every-other week or so)...she was excellent...in fact her name was Holly too...that must have had something to do with it! :) Anyway...we would discuss whatever was bothering be at the time and after I lost the baby and I found out Shanna was pregnant I really needed to go see her and while we were talking and I was telling her how I didn't want to move here because then I would be close to them, and the reminder would be too painful, etc. She said to me..."you don't have to do anything you don't want to...but just keep an open mind because your thoughts may all change when you see and hold the baby for the first time." So I nodded and said ok while inside I was thinking...'you wack job'...I had actually had several people tell me this and I thought they were all crazy...
So time rolled on and we came out to house-hunt and I saw her 'pregnant' for the first time and it was hard...I cried for 3 or 4 hours that night...and I saw her a month or so later when we moved in and I cried again...and then the baby shower...more tears...and all the while I am thinking...these crazy people actually think I am going to be OK??? and soon?!? Then the baby is born and I actually felt angry...and wished harm upon all of them...Bryce, Shanna and baby Blaine...then my loving, caring, ever-so-knowledgeable husband intervened. He said we needed to go down and see them once they got home from the hospital...so I called and set it up - we were going to go down after church on Sunday (I didn't just want to drop in unexpected...that is so rude)...we went down and as we walked in the house I saw Shanna hand Bryce the baby and he swaddled it and he stopped fussing...this is Bryce, my little candy-loving, soda-drinking, LITTLE brother who used to paint nipples on my Barbies with red fingernail polish...and he had all of a sudden become a dad - it was amazing.
We stayed for a while and I got to hold Blaine and so did Nathan...we took pictures (which we made a SUPER cute movie with on our new Macs) and made some small chat with Bryce & Shanna...and although it was really boring/stupid small chat it was the most we had spoken since this whole thing started back in February...I drove home feeling a little better...then today came around and for no apparent reason I had them on my mind...and I asked Nathan if we could go down after he got home from work...he said yes so we called them, picked up Chinese food on the way down and stopped by...and we stayed for about 3 hours...I got to hold Blaine a lot of (ok...most of) the time :) and I even got him to calm down when he was fussy...I swaddled him like I read in on of my many baby books...he was so sweet, just melted into me and went to sleep...and Bryce, Shanna, Nathan and I had such an ADULT conversation - about world events and illegal immigrants (grrr) and welfare and food stamps and school...it was the most adult conversation I have EVER had with them...and it felt really great.
Well Nathan finally made us leave (grrr...some poor 'excuse' about how he has to get up at 5am to go to work...) and as we drove away I felt so good inside...I explained it to Nathan like this - that all the horrible feelings I had been feeling had been cankering my soul and by finally working through everything I felt I had been able to cleanse those wounds and begin to heal...I felt like I had just left a great therapy session with Holly... (miss her tons by the way)
So I think I have just taken a major step in 'growing up'...and coming to accept the fact that we may never have children and yet others will...and that's ok. Not that I won't have tough moments in the future...but they should be a little less hard to bear...I am thankful that God has helped be get to this point - and hope he'll carry me to the end.
4 comments:
Holly, I am happy you were able to hold your brother's baby and you got through the hurdle , I'm proud of you, I hope someday you will have a child of your own, you seem like you would be a great mom, Take Care Lisa aka Lisa41076@aol.com
I am so glad that you had that emotional release. And that you feel better. That is great.
Just a thought popped into my head. Have you ever heard the music to the book The Forgotten Carol? At least I think that is what it is called. There is a song about Mary who was the most wonderful and caring mother there was and yet she never had any children. That song always struck me as so tender and true. Carrying and delivering children are not requirements for being a mother. Having that desire to love and care for a child is so much more important.
So I guess I'm saying, keep your head up. Becoming pregnant is not the only way to become a mother. And Holly, you are going to be a great mother someday!
Hi Holly:
I've been catcing up with you today. There are highs and lows in the emotinal roller coaster of infertility. I'm glad you were able to make some peace with the sitaution. I've been a bit low myself, but I just try and take it one day at a time!
Love, Kara
Holly,
I've been reading your blog. Cool stuff. I'm right there with you on the "infertility" thing. You do have your up and down days and that is ok. I just remember a comment that Elder Jeffrey R. Holland stated in one of the general conference address. He said that we will all have struggles and that we are not shallow people if we struggle with them. The conference talk is entitled "A High Priest of Good Things to come" check it out. I had been struggling with the pregnancy thing and I read that talk and it really hit home for Grant and I. Chin up and know that Heavenly Father is truly aware of your needs and He will not disappoint you in any way. Just continue being the cool, fun, hip sister in law you can be.
love ya--
Janus
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